The Rest Of The World XI
“In Soviet Russia, World XI rests YOU!!”
The Rest of the World XI, also known as Team Falconer or the Greater Glasgow Conurbation is an amateur football team composed mainly of players from around the Clydebank and Old Kilpatrick area. They have played four games against their arch-enemy's, Whitecrook (also known as Shitecrook).
Formation of the team
One day in the lead-up to the Easter holidays, a small Ginger Man who came from space began campaiging to form a team that would rival the forces of the darkness (TFOD for short), Whitecrook, in a game of soccer-ball. Myth suggests that the players he recruited were in fact the finest footballers in the land- in fact, Zinedine Zidane once remarked that the gangly, awkward friend of the Ginger Man was "a no' bad footballer.". The Ginger Man recruited a 10-ft high monster to be the captain. The new team was formed and they headed into their first game against TFOD with optimism.
It was a Monday and the sun was shining. This was the day that would make history when the outside world would extend the hand of peace to the war-torn state of Whitecrook (Shitecrook), a small principality in Glasgow, Scotland. The game of soccer-ball had long since been forgotten in Whitecrook but made it's glorious return in the highly anticipated match between The Rest Of The World XI and Shitecrook at John Browns Park. Thousands of Whitecrookonians gathered inside the massive arena to watch history being made, as their heroes made a triumphant entry onto the pitch.
The first half started at blistering speed with Shitecrook taking a 3-0 lead after Ryon Amilton's refusal to stay in goals with the remark "Right you canny blame me anymore!", then slamming the gloves to the ground. The 9 foot monster (not to be confused with the better player the 10 foot monster) took Amilton's position and play resumed. In a moment of brilliance the 10 foot monster struck a blow to Shitecrook's hopes by scoring the first goal in the Rest of the World XI history. Another followed from a shot by Backstar from outside the box who celebrated in heroic fashion. The half ended 4-2 to Shitecrook through another suspiciously foul play.
The second half started more optimistic with the ROTWXI taking the score back to 4-3, thus completing the 10ft monsters sublime double. Then in a moment of brilliance from the ROTWXI the whole team, apart from proverbial poacher Falkner, connected to supply Falkner with his first goal for the team. Celebrations followed as the whole team crowded round Falkner for his sole contribution to the game and the score was back to 4-4.
Sadly the aptly named BearCheetahTank zig-zagged Andee, the bumbling ROTWXI defender, on every attack and scored hell of a lot of goals which made the score finish at like 11-5 as the 10ft monster completed his hat-trick with a consolation goal for the ROTWXI.
The game finished and the teams swapped shirts while celebrating Whitecrooks return to the modern world. There was a hastily arranged re-match destined to take place the following Monday where both teams would meet again. Despite the defeat, ROTWXI took it in good spirit and fraternised with their opponents after the game, communicating with the primitive Whitecrookians with a series of grunts and finger pointing.
ROTWXI line-up (1st game)
|MARS||Ginger Man (Manager/mentor)|
|SCO||10 ft Monster (Captain)|
|MARS||9 ft Monster|
|SCO||Sean Falkner (poacher)|
(This team was thoroughly shagged)
ROTWXI scorers: 10 ft monster(3), Falkner (1), Backstar (1)
“Well let me tell you somethin' brother! Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when the Rest of The World XI run wild on YOU!”
“Here comes the game!”
“For F**K'S Sake!”
The Dawn of A New Era
After Ginger Man and his crew of 9 ft monster and Andee were fired back into space by TFOD and the defection of Backstairs and The Doc to The Forces Of Darkness, the team was left shattered and demoralised. Luckily, through the campaigning of influential players like 10 ft monster and that poacher Falkner a new crusade was launched against their arch enemies. It was then announced that the olive branch of peace was to be extended once again to the Whitecrookians as The Rest Of The World XI are to return for a historic rematch on the first Friday of the October Break, with a brand new team, including a few of the original members and a host of new signings including Chinese wonderkid Jeesh, local superstar Mark Hennigan, veteran battle hardened players such as shamed former Duntocher captain Addy and Mountblow hero Kebo. Regrettably however, it would appear that ROTWXI's German superstar Bonhoff Ränkin is unable to participate, on account of his recent imprisonement for displaying rampant homosexuality.
In the run-up to the game, the 10ft Monster became Captain, Falkner assumed the role of Vice Captain and Kebo gained the status of Vice-Vice Captain. The team will derive spiritual joy and morale from their friendly new penis-shaped mascot, Conlin The Cock.
In the improbable event that The Rest Of The World XI triumph in the latest battle over the forces of evil, they plan to change the name of the team to "The Rest Of The World Elite", as it sounds much better, but we can't really claim to be "Elite" until we actually win something.
The Fourth Game
Friday 12th October. The day 9 men faced 11 boys, and became legends.
ROTWXI hit the park with the strength of a thousand men, lightning shot from their asses and when the dust settled, ROTWXI stood victorious over captain Shitecrook BearCheetahTank who said his first words... "AAARGHERFLAGGERENDSAMANANADERTA"... which is of course Whitecrookian for "We just got the shit kicked out of us!"
The days leading up to the game were fraught with difficulty, as the Rest Of The World XI sought to find two extra players to fill the gaps left in the team by the absence of Bonhoff Ränkin and Mic Curray. Alas, it was not be: the team were faced with the prospect of playing the full game with only 9 men. Despite this, the team were in high spirits: early in the morning of the game, Chinese wonderkid Jeesh was granted a work permit and could therefore grace the game with his sublime talents.
The 9 men were prepared for the historic match- yet even up until the last minute, it seemed as though it wouldn't be their day. Ryon Amilton, the left back, failed to appear by the 3 o'clock kick-off time and concerns for his well-being and safety grew with each minute in his absence. A nervous wait ensued. Watches were glanced at. The team Captain cursed Amilton's abysmal timekeeping. Then- from round the corner, he appeared, and the team breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Thus, the team was complete. The 9 brave men who faced up to the might of Whitecrook are as follows:
|SCO||10 ft Monster (Captain)|
|SCO||Shawn Falkner (Vice Captain)|
|SCO||Kebo (Vice-Vice Captain)|
|SCO||Ryan H.A. Milton|
The Forces Of Darkness aka Whitecrook line-up was as follows:
|SCO||Ewen McDonald's® |
|SCO||"Big" Bertha Kennedy|
|SCO||Craig Walrus, OBE|
|SCO||Dannee Creroond|
In anticipation of witnessing a bloodbath of their greatest rivals, Whitecrookonians turned up in their thousands along the slopes adjacent to the pitch. However, when this bloodbath failed to transpire, the stadium was pervaded by a poisonous, hostile atmosphere as frustrations at Whitecrook's insipid performance grew. In one incident, a female, who has been identified as Kodo Baggins, managed to break free of the armed police guarding the pitch and lunged at Chinese central defender Jeesh with a knife (an event not unheard of in Whitecrook). While Jeesh escaped unharmed by swiftly flooring her with a roundhouse kick, he was said to be troubled at the culture differences between Whitecrook and his home town Beijing. As the thousands of Whitecrookonians grew angrier, they focused their rage on the small band of travelling Rest Of The World fans: one eyewitness described an incident when "one of them ran into our enclosure and stole the shoes from a wee boy's feet". The young fan was said to be traumatised.
While pre-match events such as the Food Rationing Riots and Whitecrook's impending Civil War almost marred the fourth encounter between ROTWXI and Whitecrook the game was able to go ahead as the troubled principality's many paramilitary organisations called a ceasefire to concentrate on cheering their footballing heroes to a supposed fourth victory.
The ROTWXI had the honours of kicking off as The Dome and Addy placed the ball back into their own half to Kebo who stopped to survey his options. Then to the shock of Whiterook and the whole world Kebo actually delivered a good pass to The Dome who held the ball up for Addy to attempt a shot at goal. The stadium was silenced as the barbarian Whitecrookonians were rubbing their eyes in disbeleif as the formerly weak opposing team actually got the first shot on goal. Angered by this display of footballing skill the whole Whitecrook team stormed the opposition with Big Bertha Kennedy pumping the ball up the park to Ewen McDonald's who fired a shot at the goal. Former Whitecrook player Mark Hennigan pulled off a sublime save before TFOD danger man BearCheetahTank darted from out of no-where to blast a shot into the goal and into the crowd, who fought over it as if it were food, which is scarce in Whitecrook. The whole Whitecrook team celebrated in heroic fashion as the ROTWXI captain 10 ft monster spurred on his team by hitting them all with the Stone Cold Stunner.
Demoralised the ROTWXI kicked and horsed the ball up the park, which was headed out by Craig Walrus for a throw in near the box. Poacher-turned emegency right midfielder- Falkner threw the ball in to Kebo who squared it across to Addy, who smashed the ball into the net from 12 yards. Both teams were stunned for it was now revealed that TFOD were no longer invincible. A second quickly followed from Addy as the ROTWXI took the lead for the first time in the history of soccer-ball in Whitecrook. Again battles raged all over the pitch, even Chinese wonderkid Jeesh was caught kicking into his oppostion and Backstairs was caught grabbing the balls of at least two players in the ROTWXI line-up. The score was eventually pulled back to 2-2 then the ROTWXI took their lead back to 4-2. Thanks to a hoast of suspiciously foul plays by TFOD and goals from McDonald's and BearCheetahTank the score was settled as 5-4. Due to a goalkeeping error, BearCheetahTank was sliced in half as Mark Hennigan missed the ball in a challenge. A penalty kick was awarded and play was delayed by several minutes whilst the Whitecrook medic team (consisting of three gorillas and the Big Show) carefully glued BearCheetahTank back together. The penalty was taken and scored by Backstairs, a great penalty by all means as it managed to beat the ROTWXI number 23 Mark Hennigan who chose the right direction to dive for the penalty. The game continued at a fierce 5-5 before a pivotal point at the end of the first half. A free kick was awarded on the edge of the box to TFOD which was taking by Backstairs, who sloted it in under the keeper making it 6-5 at half time. Backstairs celebrated his goal and new found allegiance by precedding up the park in a Nazi goose walk and salute to the in-bred, queer Crown Prince Theobold XI of Whitecrook (who incedently married his sister before divorcing her to marry his brother) which was returned with hooting and grunting from the home support.
After a short break at the end of the half, during which Hennigan apologised for the penalty give-away and 10 ft monster told his team to keep their chins up, the second half began, just as ferociously as the first.
After another set of 45 minutes, just as insane and hard to believe as the last, the score finished 11-9 in favour of ROTWXI.
What's next for The Rest Of The World XI?
Where does the team go from here? Should anyone face them next? Will White/Shitecrook get a rematch? Eh?
Probabably, but anyway, an imaginary list of those who TROTWXI could challenge next has been made to compensate for the lack of real challengers:
|The Brothers of the Faith (Screaming Black Priest & Some guy yellin' "TESTIFY!")|
|The Island of Jamaica (where everybody loves banana)|
|Microsofts Board of Directors|
|Lions, tigers and bears|
|The L.A Lakers|
|Barry Scott and his brand new Cilit Bang!|
|The United States of Whatever|
|The Foo Fighters|
|Kurt Angle's dignity|
|NEVER EXISTED! NEVER EXISTED! LALALALALA! I'M NOT LISTENING! LALALALALA!|
A Collection of Inspiring Quotes
“Right lads, let's not get complacent!”
“Keep the chin up, lads!”
“F*ckin top-notch defending Jeesh!”
“Lo and behold for I am Bonnar, and there is none else: I girded thee, though thou hast not known me: That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the West, that there is none beside me.”
“S**t, that can't be normal”
“S**t, that can't be normal”
“Ahh, ma neck”
“...so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sirs!”
- "McDonald's" is a registered trademark owned by the McDonald's Corporation and its affiliates. Any breach or impediment of this copyright is punishable by the McLaw and McDonald's reserves the right to show up at your house and steal all yo' shit.