The Second Coming Project
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“What do I care? I'm Jewish!”
~ Mel Brooks on The Second Coming Project
“Sick.”
~ Mel Gibson on Mel Brooks
“Hey! When Confucius turn?”
~ Confucius on The Second Coming Project
“Wait... Aren't I your God?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Second Second Coming Project
Contents |
[edit] The Second Coming Project
For two-thousand years now, followers of Jesus Christ have patiently awaited the fabled 'Second Coming.' However, one elite group has stopped just waiting around, and taken the course of history into their own hands.
[edit] Formation and Early Years
In 1964, a Harvard Scientist named Jason Britman, after a careful reading of the New Testament, reached the conclusion that the Lord helps they who help themselves. He decided that Jesus' second coming would not come to pass without a human catalyst of some sort. He spent the next seven years writing his book on the subject, "Jesus Reborn," in which he chronicled efforts of mankind that led to Jesus' birth, and admonishing that the second coming could never occur until the righteous faithful made it occur. He advocated the use of the new technology of cloning, which he called 'God's gift to mankind that he may be reborn, just as God gave mankind sex to promote his lineage in the first place.' The book met with scathing reviews in the Christian community, and Britman was denounced as a heretic. Even so, he developed quite a following, and in 1973, The Second Coming Project was formed. Top Britmanist scientists extracted what they were 'just positive' was Christ's DNA from the Shroud of Turin, and the long process began. For years they struggled, but the closest they ever got was a guy named James Critio, who, while a skilled carpenter, was lacking in the soul-saving department. The initial Second Coming Project was disbanded in 1986 after Britman's death from a Tomahawk wound.
[edit] First Reinventions
Flash forward four more years. While Britman's original dream had fizzled, his ideology lived on, and the Second Second Coming Project was formed. The 'NeoBritmanists,' as they were called, decided that cloning was too insecure a science, and relied instead on the magic of robotics. The Second Second Coming Project led to the activation of Robot Jesus, but the NeoBritmanists rejected him when he proved only interested in saving the souls of other robots. The Third Second Coming Project, in 1992, tried to integrate the technologies of the previous two attempts and created Cyborg Jesus, but his radical teachings of 'Convert or Be Assimilated' never really caught on. After only three months, Cyborg Jesus accidentally crucified himself by his own robotic framework. According to his own prophesies, he is due for resurrection sometime in 2024.
[edit] Later Reinventions
Four more Second Coming Projects were started throughout the 90's:
The Fourth Second Coming Project (1993): Lizard Jesus
The Fifth Second Coming Project (1995): Marshmallow Jesus
The Sixth Second Coming Project (1997): 007 Jesus
The Seventh Second Coming Project (1999): Computer Program Jesus
The last four Jesii decided they should collaborate their teachings, and currently operate their joint 'NeoneoneoneoBritmanist through NeoneoneoneoneoneoneoBritmanist' religion out of an office in Los Angeles. In 2001, the Eighth Second Coming Project decided to take a different route, and began to work on bringing about the second coming of Mohammed. They did this by praying really hard that Mohammed would come back. Apparently, Allah really heard them, because the prophet himself stood among them within twelve seconds, making this to date the shortest Second Coming Project ever. Mohammed dwelt with us for only a few days, however, returning again to heaven after leaving us with a commandment to form the Ninth Second Coming Project, the result of which was Robot Buddha.
[edit] Non-official Spinoffs
In 1973, a group calling themselves the 'Second Coming through Necromancy Project' tried to use their Satanic powers to create Zombie Jesus. Satan was not amused. Because of their Satanic affiliations and lack of ties to Britman, they are not considered part of the official Second Coming Project.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. | |
| Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all! | Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus |
| Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother | Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus |
| Jesus H. Christ: The 56th president of the US | Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware |
| Jesus Harold Christ: Cowboy and knife-fighter | Your own: Personal Jesus |
| Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! | ¿Qué?: Jesús |
| Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! | Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus |
| Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one | Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus |
| Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming! | Rawr! Raptor Jesus |
| Paperclip Jesus: Lord of Office Supplies! | Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus |
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know to know to know it is it is yes. babs, it's probably Original Jesus. | ||
| Disco Jesus: Sabbath Night Fever | Invented economic theory: Supply-side Jesus | |
| Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter | The Passion of the Jew: Kyle Broflovski | |
| Dark Jesus: Parallel Universe Jesus | Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus | |
| Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: Just like daddy. | Member of the Carpenters: Jeez | |
| King Jesus: That's sire to you, boy | Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification:Messiah | |
| Jesus Fucking Christ: Working class hero and modern day sage | Moshed his way to Metal-heaven: Metal Jesus | |
| Super Jebus: Western Sydney pimp | He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! Billy Mays | |
| Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone | Elemental Jesus: Je (element) | |
| Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV | An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a | |
| Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find | That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie | |
| Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي | Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus | |
| Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name | Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin | |
| Ultimate Jesus: Designed by God to be the ultimate fighting machine | He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, it's not a Nazi, it's: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints | |
| MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation | Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus | |
| Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? | Bow to ye savior or walk the plank ye scurvy dogs: Captain Jesus | |
| Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. | But what If Jesus had lived in America | |
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
| Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! | |
| Bad Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Latios: The False Messiah and proclaimed friend of Jesus. | All Jesii wrapped into no-one: Atheist Jesus |
| Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century. | The Holiest of Holy Boy Bands:Premium Jesus |
| Et Jesus: 32-bit Protected Trinity | Disco Jesus' favorite band: The Bee-Jesus |
| Piss Christ: Ewww! | You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus |
| Djesus: French Jesus | Irelands Most Popular Jesus: Bjesus |
| Evil Jesus: Careful of this Jesus | "Promoting God's chain of Churches: "McJesus |
| lol, Jesus: I don't get it either. | The real reason Christ was crucified: Jesus of Jerusalem |
| Morbus Jesus: The itchiest of the lot | And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus |
