The Shins

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Marty. You dweeb. Name your band after, like, a mythical creature or something, not a leg bone.

So, The Shins. Ugh. Don't get me started. OK, so like, I had this roommate in college, right? Weird-ass geek, named James Mercer, we used to call him Marty 'cause he looked like a young Martin Scorsese. We weren't like friends or nothin' you know, we were just put together by the rooming Nazis, 'cause we both said we like music and shit, right?


So, everything was all copacetic at first, and whatever, then dude finds out I can totally shred on the lead guitar, and he's like, hey, we should form a band and shit. So I'm like, OK, OK, I mean I was in some great metalcore bands in High School, so I'm skeptical or whatever if this dweeby looking dude knows shit about good music right? Boy, was I right. Dude comes up to me with this, like, high-pitched tuneless crap and the strangest-ass lyrics that I don't know what he was on. Acid, or something. I mean, some of his stuff I had to be totally stoned to even appreciate it or whatever, and even then I didn't fuckin' get it.

Strange-ass lyrics[edit]

He's over here singing about this girl on a barn wing or what the fuck was it? Barns don't have wings, what does that shit even mean? Dude, in rock and roll, you say what you mean about the women. Marty obviously never even had a chick in his bed before. Then he had this song about failing algebra and eating coffee cake? What kind of rock and roll song lyrics is that? Don't get me wrong, I'm totally into cool intelligent lyrics, like Meat Loaf and shit, but it's gotta mean something, right? It's gotta either tell a story or say how you feel about something deep. And sorry, singing about failing algebra, that's for nerds and shit.

So that's like, hypocrisy or something. Dude doesn't know shit about onions.

Making spaghetti[edit]

Oh, and then there was this time, we're making spaghetti. And I know my way around a kitchen, if I say so myself. Almost as good at a ratatouille as I am at a great riff. So he's over there, trying to slice up an onion, and it was falling all over the place, right? So I stop him, he's crying from the onion and shit, and I'm all, "Dude, stop. This is all wrong, see." So I picked up another onion, held it up, and I just said something I thought would be profound or whatever. I says in this like, Keanu voice, "Know your onion." Dude busted up laughing like it was the funniest shit he'd ever heard in his pathetic little life, right? I was like "Whatever, dude." Next thing I know, next morning, he's still red-faced from laughing and shit, and he tells me he wrote a song, called it "Know Your Onion". So I look at it, right? I'm all "Dude, what the fuck? Song isn't even remotely about onions. It ain't even about food." Something about melting dice and finding his favorite records in Birmingham. What the fuck? Dude was out of his mind.

Record deal? You gotta be shitting me[edit]

So, you can totally understand how pissed I was when I found out dude started a band and got signed and whatnot. And everyone's falling all over themselves about how great the band is. I mean, it's named after a fucking leg bone, right? Not a cool name like my bands in High School. We were Octopussy, man. That name rocks. We totally didn't know it was a James Bond movie or whatever[1] we just thought it sounded cool, and it did. But The Shins? It just burns my ass that this guy gets famous with his girly voice and fucking spaced-out lyrics.

Jangly shit[edit]

So, just like, since I knew the guy and shit, I check out this so-called music. And sure enough, I was like, what the shit is this? This fucking jangly shit with no hooks, no riffs - whoever plays guitar for these losers could totally never play for a real rock and roll band. And then he's got these, like, tunes, you know, melodies that are totally all over the place, nothing you could ever even hope to sing along with, and more of the same fucked up lyrics. It just goes to show you about the music industry. They never give record contracts to people who make good music. Fucking pisses me off.

Chick music, for sure[edit]

They're all dweebs. Just look at 'em. Fucking pisses me off.

So, then, last Thursday, I meet this chick at a bar, right? Totally hot. So we start to talking, and she says how she loves music. So I'm going on about AC/DC and Sabbath and fucking Def Leppard and shit, and she's all shrug. So of course I ask her favorite band, and what the shit do you know? She falls over all dramatically and starts shaking, like she was epileptic or whatever, all for The Shins! I'm like, holy crap! But then it occurs to me. I could totally get into this chick's pants with my past. So I totally told her, I was roommates with James Mercer. And like fucking magic, man, she starts clawing all over me, totally rubbing her tits on my arm and shit. So I'm like, yeeeeah, I'm gonna get me some pussy tonight! But then, like I have to talk Shins to her the whole fucking night. She shows me some of their latest crap, and she starts talking about this one song, "Phantom Limb", which she says is about a couple of lesbians, right? So I'm like, all right. I like lesbians, if they're hot. This chick is hot, if she's into lesbians, maybe I'll get some threesome action and shit, right? So I listen to the song, and fuck if I can find a single lesbian anywhere in the whole tune. It's about, like, zombies and a fly stepping over towers. And I'm like, What? Yea, needless to say, I didn't get any action that night.

So, yeah, whatever, Marty. Knock yourself out with that piss-ass chick music. Whatever.

  1. I mean, who'd think they'd have the word "pussy" in a movie title, you know? And it wasn't even one of those hilarious porno spoofs or nothing