The Stig
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“...”
~ The Stig on his identity.
The Stig is Top Gear's resident racing driver. He is more commonly known by his other name Micheal Schumaccer. This has helped him avoid paying taxes for his entire natural life, as well as his unnatural one. He has many odd talents and disabilities which are read out by Jeremy "Pubes" Clarkson each week, to rapturous silence from the audience, which has been brought to worship at Clarkson's comedic abilities and non-impotence.
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[edit] Habitat
The word "Stig" is thought to be short for "Stigma of the Dump", which could be a reference to his natural habitat: a rubbish dump. There are a great many of these in the UK, most of which have names; for example Leeds, The East End, Clacton on Sea, Bey on sea etc. The sheer number of these dumps in the UK (or "cities" as inhabitants like to affectionately term them) has contributed to thwarting Alan Sugar's multiple attempts to track down The Stig.
Richard Hammond did on one occasion offer to let The Stig use his wife, but Hammond kept him awake all night by running in his wheel and biting his helmet and suit, well known trait of Hamster's species.
[edit] Talents
Other talents have proved useful in his capacity as Top Gear's racing driver. Most notable is his sweat, which can be used to clean precious metals. This has allowed the budget of maintaining high performance cars to be slashed quite considerably. A lesser known talent is that his genitals always point to magnetic north. Due to the Stig's unnervingly accurate sense of direction, people have often challenged him to "get lost" - which he has not yet suceeded at doing, despite many attempts.
Obviously, he was born with a very small hard disk that has the capability of 0.1MHz and has a 42KB RAM converted to computer format (not fitted with a sound card). His processor only allows him to drive, skilfully ofcourse though. Well, the only thing he could ever do is drive so he is extremely stupid to be so courageous around the corners driving at 200 km/h on the ice, as Jeremy Clarkson said: "That is not bravery, that is just stupidity."
Also noteworthy are his fingernails, which have 330bhp; it is not clear, however, if this figure is the total bhp of all his fingernails, or whether each one has 330bhp - although it is said that his left big toe may possess twice as much. Either way, however, it is still a massive power-to-weight ratio and helps him to victory at every Top Gear office party fingernail race super challenge, which occurs annually. The previous holder of this title disappeared in mysterious circumstances.
With such talent, The Stig has been given the task of impregnating every Nissan wanting IVF treatment. This has been deemed a success and he is the proud father of 6 Porsche 911s, 4 Bugatti Veyrons and 200 Ford Kas. It is also rumoured that his second cousin is a McLaren F1, although DNA tests have proved inconclusive.
[edit] Some say that...
- He let the dogs out
- He's banned from the city of Chichester.
- He is allergic to the Dutch.
- He never blinks.
- His favourite car is the Mitsubishi S(t)igma, also known as the stigmobile.
- He eats brake pads for breakfast.
- He drinks Shell biofuel for breakfast.
- He is wanted by the CIA.
- His right nipple is the same shape as the Nürburgring
- His urine is used to power Diesel engines.
- He is probably Arceus/Jesus.
- He only knows two facts about ducks. And both of them are wrong.
- He sleeps upside down like a bat.
- In a previous life, he lived as a snail.
- He is worshipped as a God in Papua New Guinea
- He appears on high value stamps in Sweden.
- He can catch fish with his tongue.
- He is Gordon Brown's 100th cousin
- His testicles are made out of steel
- He told JK Rowling to write the Harry Potter books
- His breath smells of magnesium.
- He is scared of bells.
- He naturally faces magnetic north.
- His nipples are as big as Music CDs
- If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
- He has hydraulic legs.
- He was brought up in Africa by a herd of Cheetahs.
- He deliberately sabotaged Richard Hammond's dragster-stunt
- He is called Micheal Shufuker
- He names all his potted plants Steve, except for the "special" one, which is called Jeremy.
- His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
- He is actually a she.
- His heart ticks like a watch.
- His power level...it's....OVER 9,000!
- He is confused by stairs.
- His voice can only be heard by cats.
- He was born on Mars
- Gravity obeys him
- He pees 98RON petrol, and is considered more valuable than platinum.
- He has named every blade of grass around the Top Gear test track.
- He can see oxygen.
- He can drive a car backwards with his leg hair.
- He once bought a bag of charcoal for no apparent reason
- He has a plasticine model of James May in his 'number twos' toilet for inspiration.
- He was turned down to go on I'm a Celebrity, because people had heard of him.
- He does not have a driving licence.
- He is Matthew Bellamy of Muse.
- He can smell corners, hear oil pressure, and see slipstreams
- He can power motor boats using his eyelids
- He has two sets of knees.
- His farts consist of pure nitrous oxide
- He can taste the mileage of anything
- He is actually from Bristol and speaks with a heavy, lisping West Country accent.
- His voice is the sound of newborn babies crying.
- His finger prints are exactly the same as the tread on Pirelli P-zero tyres, and if you were to stand on corner 38 of the Nürburgring on a Wednesday evening - you can hear his mating call.
- His tears are Adhesive.
- He cannot be swallowed by quick sand.
- He'll survive the nuclear war, and he will rule the world with the cockroaches.
- He is the long lost Transformer son of Optimus Prime, and that he transforms into a Fiat Panda when no-one's looking.
- The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring.
- His ears are on back to front, and when he goes to the toilet he excretes petrol.
- ... Nothing! They are too affaid of him to say anything at all.
- He quit binge drinking, once the price per litre went over £1.
- The Stig has been found out to have been in the Max Mosley video.
- If he caught fire he would burn for a thousand days.
- One of his legs gets longer when he sees a pretty lady.
- His heart is upside down.
- He was once in a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner.
- His teeth glow in the dark.
- His best friend is a satellite dish.
- He has no friends to text.
- He has no age.
- He follows no car culture.
- He has a digital face.
- He once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine
- His first name really is 'The'.
- He like the rest of us is sick to fucking death of fucking chuck norris.
- He is an amazing tap dancer
- He sheds his racing suit seasonally
- He is baffled by human food
- He can open a bir bottle with his testis.
- After making love, he peels the head of his partner.
- He is 47 the Hitman.
- He has a full-sized tattoo of his face.
- He is not allowed to be within 100 yards of anyone as he is a killer.
- One flake of his skin could create a new life form.
- He wouldn't piss on Jeremy Clarkson if Clarkson was on fire, and that is so true.
- He has never seen an episode of Top Gear( who wants to watch some wannabe-ginger tosser called Jeremy molesting people anyway ?)
- He thought Star Wars was a documentary
- His genitals smell like vanilla.
- He can open a beer can with his testes
- He sucks the moisture from ducks
- He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp.
- It's impossible for him to wear socks
- If you knew what the Stig knew you'd wake up screaming
- He doesn't wear gloves, his hands actually look like that
- One of his knees attracts cats
- No-one knows what the LEDs on his neck mean
- He's lairy, he's hairy, he likes films by Jim Carrey
- He is convinced that the clouds are following him
- He still claims he invented blu-tac even though everyone knows he is lying
- Everytime someone says the word mincemeat the stig gets 25p
- His identity isn't a secret, its actually unknown
- Ignore the ninth one. He IS Jesus.
- He is a figment of imagination
- He cannot be rickrolled
- He invented the wheel
- He is the cause of and solution to global warming
- He knows the meaning of life - pity he doesn't speak.
- Under his helmet is, in fact, another helmet.
- The stig has an ethnic minority arm hair half-way up his arm.
- His potted plants all named steve all have mini stig helmets.
- He can touch MC Hammer.
- He likes to eat his old racesuits for tea
- He is the last of his own species.
- He drinks Daniel Plainview's milkshake.
- He knows a fruitier word than Vimto©.
- He does not know his own identity, and cannot be told due to the absence of a microphone and sound card in his central computer system.
- He has never seen Moonraker on Boxing Day.
- Zod kneels before him.
- He has hydraulic knees.
- He has webbed buttocks.
- He's afraid of feet.
- He has a digital face.
- He's also afraid of Scouts and is currently a girl guide.
