The Strokes
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“These guys rock! How can I join their gang?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Strokes
“Well, The Libertines are better.”
~ British People on The Strokes
“What?? Whatt??? What kind of name is THE STROKES?.”
~ The Strokes on The Strokes
“Wait, so they're not British?”
~ British People on The Strokes
Known world-wide for their keen fashion sense and snappy comebacks, the Strokes are made of five greasy men who are the object of many a-girl's wet dreams.
The Strokes came to form as a sin-loving fag group in a state juvenile facility, all having broken sodomy and bestiality laws within southeastern states. Realizing that *someday* would never come and that everyday he woke up would be Sunday, ringleader Jack Cutter decided to *turn the tables* and *climb high above the dreary walls*.
Monsieur Cutter took on the alias Julian Casablancas and commissioned a gaggle of thuggish, barely legal man-whores, most of whom hailed from the state of Arkansas and rechristened them with exotic-sounding names and fascinating, but not believable, back stories. Neal Ficks of St. Petersburg, FLA thus became Nikolai Fraiture of St. Petersburg, Russia while the unfortunately named Fannie Man of Little Rock was christened Fabrizio Moretti of Lake Como, Italy. Bunk mates and banjo players Al Hartey and Nookie Vinny decided they wanted a piece of the action too: thus, Albert Hammond Jr and Nick Valensi were born, their finger-pickin' banjos replaced by Les Pauls and skinny ties. They boys called themselves The Strikes and decided that since *time won't save their souls*, this would be their *last nite* in juvie. Agreeing to *meet in the bedroom* at *12:51*, the Strikes pushed the *flowers in the window* and stole away, like *pieces of driftwood floating underwater*.
Taking the last train*, they robbed a convenient store and set the *room on fire*, but not before gang leader, Julian Casablancas robbed 29 different people (only 7 that he liked). Mistaking the Nevada police men for *New York City cops*, Casablancas screamed that they weren't too smart and the Strikes were immediately arrested.
In court, the judge claimed that because the Strikes were *barely legal*, charges would not be pressed and that they would be sent back to juvie. "Is this it?" Julian asked. The judge assumed that Julian and the Strikes had been dead high while on their rampage but Casablancas shook his head. "I'm Sober and still alive," he is quoted as saying. When asked why he had committed the crime if he was, indeed, not coming down, Julian answered simply: "It's hard to explain." Back in Juvie, Casablancas suffered from manic depression caused by either life in The Modern Age or Courtney Love. The Modern Age proving bearable, many blamed Love's love. In other news, Nikolai Fraitove was released after a Slideshow of his activity proved he *had calmed down indefinitely*. Mild fame followed: he was recently voted as the most energetic person ever to exist by a poll of blind lepers in southern Albania.
--83.251.181.34 01:32, 19 July 2008 (UTC)==Julian "Sexy Motherfucker" Casablancas== I hope whoever wrote that Julian sucks goes to hell.
Julian Casablancas is God.
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[edit] Julian "Fernando" Casablancas
The sexiest damn thing to ever walk this planet. He is also married. His wife is protected by three layers of bullet-proof steel and is hardly seen outside.
He comes up with 99% of the band's mind-control material and is like, the only person who still wears sunglasses inside.
He was last seen in a Converse commercial and in some lazy vacation with a robot replica of Juliet Joslin, the most wanted person in the United States[1].
[edit] Albert Hammond Jr.
Son of a neo-death-metal-surf singer (reproduced by budding), Albert met Julian when they were taken hostage in Switzerland. Albert wasn't given a nickname because he already has a long-ass name. He plays rhythm guitar for the musical group and is a wannabe lead guitarist. He constantly breaks the Guitar Hero golden rule of not wearing your guitar above your belt. But we forgive him because his name is Albert.
[edit] Nick "The Stick" Valensi
Lead guitarist and and comedian, his frequent heroin use may have contributed to his skinny stature. In 2005 he became a professional Jesus impersonator when he grew his hair long. His sister was also features in the video for Juicebox, the band's attempt to launch their softcore porn company to the masses.
[edit] Nikolai "I'm like, French (no shit)" Fraiture
It has been said that he is the single-greatest bass player in the history of the world. However, a citation is needed[citation needed]. He's pretty much the only normal member of the Strokes, kept from running away by a swift blow to the head every two seconds. He is currently working on a side band called Nickel Eye, which shows his mastery of word play left and right.
[edit] Fab "Crazy Mofo" Moretti
The drummer. No one really cares about him, he was picked up after a show when the band's original sousaphone player left due to artistic differences. He grew a beard in 2008 and it makes his face look stupid. Nobody knows if he's Italian or not, but he sure does make good spaghetti.
[edit] Albums
- "This is
theSh*t" (2001)
Title was decided on when the band actually listened to their music for the first time.
- "Broom on Fire" (2003)
Based on events that occurred when recording the album- a broom caught on fire while trying to kill an old lady who had blasphemed Julian's name.
- "First Impressions of Someone Other Than the Smurfs" (2006)
Needless to say, this album made teenage girls all over the world (and a slightly smaller number of teenage boys) do things to themselves that we shall tell you when you are older.
- "
For the Love of God, I Hope This is ItGreatest Hits" (2007)
A compendium of their best achievements, largely from one place (Julian's pants).
[edit] Hiatus
The band collectively decided to piss off everyone who ever liked them by going on a freaking hiatus. This caused 3/5 of the band to start their own side projects, including Nickel Eye, Little Joy, and Albert's self titled band... of the same name. They did not count on people not caring about their so-called "side projects" and are returning to the loving arms of their fans early 2009. The bastards.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ ]By the Rabid Fangirl Association.
