The Theory of Evolution

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Theory of Evolution.

“I like my evolution pink”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Theory of Evolution

“Evolution is not science! It has nothing to do with science! I should know!”

~ The Pope on The Theory of Evolution

“Where is the evidence for evolution? You are telling me that you are convinced by anatomical homologies, DNA and RNA codes, pseudogenes, embryology, chromosome fusion, convergence, fossils and endogenous retroviral insertions and all the other "scientific" "evidence"?”

~ A Mormon on The Theory of Evolution

“I aint nothing but a hound dog”

~ Elvis Presley on The Theory of Evolution

“I am Steven Seagal”

~ Steven Seagal on himself

“Fo shizzle my nizzle double dizzle with compatizzle!”

~ Charles Darwin on The Theory of Evolution

“I, get, the, question, all, the, time, if, I, William, Shatner, believe, in, evolution, and, I, always, answer, them, of, course, but, I, have, a, scientific, theory, of, my, own, which, is, coincidentally, coming, out, for, sale, now, for, the, amazing, amount, of, only, 100, dollars, at, Walmart. The, title, is, "The, theory, of, Shatner," and, is, incredible, to, say, at, least. Beam, me, up, Scotty!”

~ William Shatner in his latest book Me and the Theory of Shatner.

“Evolution has nothing to do with science or biology! It is simply a fairytale conducted by 98% of all the scientist over the world in an attempt to fool us believers into sin and eternal damnation! I know for a fact that its a conspiracy involving a royal straight flush and werewolves in the year 3001.”

~ A Christian on The Theory of Evolution

The theory of evolution is a thesis by Charles Darwin. Conceptual titles included, You're A Fucking Monkey Mate, We're All Fucking Monkeys, Mate and Get Out My Face; You Fucking Monkey. There are many different beliefs as to how humans came to be. Some people believe in Darwin's ridicoulus theory of evolution which is based only in fiction unlike their own beliefs, but the most interesting "Theory" that I have heard of involves lots and lots of beer.


It all happened over a long period of time. God created man, not woman, but man. The first man ever created by god went by the name of Adouche. Adouche was placed in this huge garden that had many different types of delicacies growing in abundance all around him. He lived in this garden all alone for several years, but as each year went be he continued to notice that something was missing. He wasent sure what it was, but there was still this gaping hole in his daily appetite.

He asked God time and again what this thing was, but God would never answer him back. One day Adouche asked for company. God granted his wish and gave him hundreds and hundreds of friends to share in the glories provided by the garden. There was still something missing though. It wasent only the fact that all of Adouche's friends were guys, there was something else.

Then one day Adouche and his friends were all sitting around trying to discover what this missing piece was. One of Adouche's right hand men had invented this drink that he got adouche to try. Adouche realized right at once that this had to be the missing piece. He fell in love with this drink and decided to call it beer.

From that day on Adouche and all of his friends sat around a campfire every night and drank this beer. There were still several problems with this beer though. One problem was that there was no easy way to transport it. To solve that issue they invented the wheel(a device for transporting beer from distillerys to pubs).

As a result of this people began to group around these pubs and thus villages were created. As more people began to drink the beer some distilleries started making a really strong kind that was called liquor. There was always a bunch of leftover beer and liquor that had gone bad and this junk was mixed together, along with any other garbage that stunk and tasted really bad, and was given the name wine. Some people preferred wine, while others preferred liquor. These sissies that preferred wine became known as big time liberals and the liquor drinkers were donned the name conservatives.

The people that drank wine began to get soft and the liquor drinkers were continuously getting tougher. One day the two different types of people started a war. The conservative liquor drinkers won the war and as a punishment removed a rib from each of the liberals. The liberals eventually transformed into females, and that is the only *true* theory of evolution. Or so was thought, until later research showed that humans were descendants of the extinct poontangasoraus, a vicious predator that would become extinct after being eaten by Oprah.

Alternate Belief[edit]

Many people also believed that beer was not the root. Or maybe it was? A long time ago, asteroids collided to create a planet. This planet had one continent, which divided the two seas. One sea was made entirely of beer, the other of salty water. A piece of salt, began to move one day, without cause, and bean to divide and grow. In the Sea of Beer, some barley had a germ on it. The germ began to swim and to stay alive, it needed nourishment. And so it drank and drank and drank. It grew and grew and grew until it divided. It swam, but soon other variations of the organism were forming. Competition began. Soon, there were too noticeable sects. Plantus Plantoficus and Animus Animalius. Soon, the flagella's began to grow and evolve, until one day, they grew into legs and came on land. Soon, as they grew smarter, there backs straightened and man roamed the earth. But the creatures from the beer water grew into men, and the creatures from the salt water grew into women. Soon, they began to use tools, and fire was born. No long after, hunting was done in groups. These groups became villages, and the villages became rivals. Earthquakes shook the continent apart, and the beer and water mixed, ultimately ending the Ocean of Beer. The rival tribes wanted to plunge forward and soon, cities and countries were born. This belief became excepted by many.

Theory proven slightly off[edit]

In the late 1990's, the Theory of Evolution was fanatically believed to be mostly right, however Darwin was bad at math and made a mistake in time calculations. It turns out that it doesn't take millions of years for a species to evolve into another species. It in fact only takes about 5 seconds. This fact was proven undeniably true when the first pokemon was discovered in 1993 by a Japanese male by the name of Geimuboi Kararu (many people believe he was named by a retarded asian couple who had an affinity for cameras.) Jason cared for this pokemon like it was his own child. Unfortunately he was a violent man so he beat his pokemon with a crow bar twice daily. Well, one day the pokemon (whos name will not be mentioned on account of anonymity) fought back and killed his master with a rousing TACKLE move. Upon doing so, the pokemon began to blink rapidly and evolve. An innocent bystander observed and later released the following statement to the press, "Holy shit... a pokemon." He then proceded to be a corporate whore by eating at McDonalds. Now that we have studied more into evolution, we found out that all you have to do to make organisms evolve is to throw shiny, colorful rocks at them, or in some cases to feed them old, nasty candy.

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Some people believe in Darwin's theory of evolution, others have their own beliefs, but the most interesting "Theory" that I have heard of involves lots and lots of beer.