The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

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“I was in this Fight, and lost!”

~ Me on The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

“Why wasn't I invited to this fight?”

~ Leroy M. Cohen on The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny was the name given to a conflict between several individual powers of icons which just did not have anything more to lose. Beginning with a seemingly random Kaiju attack and fueled by an Aaron Carter concert, the conflict was known as the "Hundred-Years Battle", and is now taught in history textbooks everywhere despite being met with controversy for being too interesting for students. Thought of children growing up to attempt another such showdown, or even a cartoon relating to the showdown is feared by soccer-moms worldwide.

[edit] Combatants

Godzilla, Batman, Lincoln, Aaron Carter, Shaquille O'Neal, Optimus Prime, Jackie Chan, Indiana Jones, Care Bears, Master Chief, Samuel Jackson, Goku, Sonic, Mario, Luigi, Link, Trogdor, Arbiter, the Covenant, Chuck Norris, Metal Trogdor, Jesus, Bruce Lee, Soviet Orcs, Gypsies, ROFLcopter, LOLcats, Space Banditos, Daedra, Elves, Dwarves, Uruk-Hai, Trolls, Bruce Lee, Zombie Jesus, Xandus, Oscar Wilde, Gordon Freeman, Dagoth Ur,Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, the Black Knight of Boar's Head, a previously hiding Benito Mussolini, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, a T-800, Cpt. James T. Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston esq., Theodore Logan, Rod Orlovsky, Spock, Dwayne Johnson, Doctor Otto Octavius, Hulk Hogan, a Delorian, Goombas, Koopas, The Sesame Street Monsters, Stormtroopers (Nazi and Star Wars), rabbids, Decepticons, Grues, the Covenant, the Axis of Evil Doers, facehuggers, Xenomorphs, A Xenomorph Queen, Yeerks, Vogons, Metroids, dinosaurs, sabre-tooth tigers, giant squids, Cowboys, Indians, Indian cowboys, Liberals, terrorists, accountants, more Grues, Eurgs, Republicans, the French, Ninjas, Pirates, Ninja Pirates, Ninja Indian Cowboy Pirates, Zombie-Vampire-Ghosts, Zombie Ninja Vampire Indian Cowboy Ghost Pirates, Vehicons, Daleks, other evil non-transforming robots, Predators, nerds, suicide bombers, men in black, Bob the Builder and his crew, spammers, the Separatists, the Yuuzhan Vong, Cobra, Gungans, Wikipedia editors, Encyclopedia Dramatica editors, Japanese movie monsters, gays, catgirls, Pokemon, anti-Eurgs which are actually more Grues, jackasses, giant prehistoric insects, mad scientists, several 3rd grade English teachers, supervillians, Hollows, Chiropterans, Spetsnaz, those bug robots from Samurai Jack, a giant douche, Mr. T, The Stig, and The Spanish Inquisition.

[edit] Beginnings

On December 7th 2001, Godzilla decided to attack Tokyo city for reasons unknown. Ironically however there was an Aaron Carter concert playing in the general facility. Though Godzilla posed no major threat to the area besides clearing up some surplus population, it is believed that Batman, an avid Aaron Carter fan finally snapped and, in a move he had not tried since the 1960s, burst into the daylight and provoked Godzilla with one of his Bat-Grenades. Godzilla was enraged and went to retaliate, he was fortunately stopped mid-attack by Shaquille O'Neal. As he was supposed to be in the NBA, Godzilla was effectively caught off guard by Shaq's entrance. The latter began to engage Godzilla. By the NBA star's entrance, a sizable amount of attention had been diverted away from the Carter concert. Aaron, in a tizzy fit, attempted to break up the fray.

Batman, seeing the concert was effectively over anyway, tried to get one last hit on Godzilla in and called in his Batmobile, this only succeeded in flattening Carter and O' Neal. Batman, disgraced by the accidental murder tried to take the Batmobile back to see his lover Robin, but before he could do this, he was shot by a vengeful zombie evil version of Abraham Lincoln with an AK-47. His job seemingly done and out of ammo, Lincoln attempted to flee to America to hunt down rednecks ignoring the Gettysburg Address when Optimus Prime, present in Tokyo for a car show and to do voice work, arrived to save the day.

[edit] Escalation

With already some of the combatants injured, Optimus Prime attempted to put a stop to the fighting. Charging towards Lincon, he attempted to blow Lincoln to bits, but he was himself unexpectedly bitten by Godzilla, crushing most of his electronics, "in a way," said Reiko Asakawa "resembling Scruff McGruff". Then Shaq tried again to stop Godzilla even with substantial tire damage, but was jumped by one of Godzilla's many sympathizers, who, unfortunately, happened to be Jackie Chan. The two fought while Batman, barely alive tried to right himself, but was spotted again by evil Lincoln, who gave up his original plans to attempt at finishing Batman off. In a cruel twist of fate that was perhaps responsible for the continuation of the fight, Lincoln happened to trip on an umbrella-hat, which got the attention of visiting adventurer Indiana Jones who joined the fight by incapacitating Abraham with his whip. Jones hardly noticed Godzilla ambush him. Indiana tried to pull his gun on Godzilla, but it had been taken by Batman who fired it off at an unknown target. The bullet was allegedly knocked from out of the air by Chan. Jackie left his attack on Shaq, and collided with Lincoln who was trying to engage the already damaged Optimus. Then entered a stray Care Bear who covered both of the aforementioned fighters with a Care Bear Stare, incapacitating the Evil Lincoln.

[edit] Emergency status

By nightfall the conflict had been dubbed an "Ultimate Showdown" by UN, as the fight had now been joined by other Japanese resident and visitor good guys and bad guys. There were even at this early stage explosions "as far as the eye could see". Three times the UN attempted to put a stop to the fight, though each time the plea was ignored and the fighting escalated. Finally a promising conclusion was predicted with the arrival of an air-dropped Chuck Norris, as one witness quotes that "angels sang out in immaculate chorus" as he descended from the heavens. Norris immediately delivered a death blow to Indiana Jones. Batman, who had before had trouble escaping the scene, upon seeing Chuck's arrival took a chance and changed back into Bruce Wayne in public. This was in vain however as Chuck already knew his and all other superheroes secret identities, a trait shared by anyone with an ounce of common sense, and neutralized the millionaire playboy in a display of smiling bloodlust, "crushing his head in between his thighs". Chuck seemed in control of the incident, but was uninformed of the arrival of Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, the Black Knight of Boar's Head, a previously hiding Benito Mussolini, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, a T-800, Cpt. James T. Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston esq., Theodore Logan, Rod Orlovsky, Spock, Dwayne Johnson, Doctor Otto Octavius, Hulk Hogan, a generous share of fancharacters, Ultra Magnus, Jimbo Wales, 3 Daleks, and a Bruce Lee clone during the 5 minutes it had taken Chuck to be flown to the scene. The previous parties mentioned had formed a plan beforehand to gang up on "that big stupid guy" once he undoubtedly arrived. However, with Chuck injured this alliance quickly dissolved into chaos, The Care Bears were eaten by Killer Tomatoes, The Tomatoes were mushed by Mussolini, Mussolini was squished by The Hebrew Hammer.

[edit] September 1995 - September 2095

Japan had to be totally deserted, Godzilla, the first combatant became a casualty himself near the middle of the fight, however the battle continued to rage past the second-coming as well as the aztec end of the world. Some fought to test their strength, some in revenge for Aaron Carter, some just because they were sick of each other. Rumors that only one would survive quickly spread as the battle raged on. Eventually however those with lives quickly turned their attention away from the event in favor of the war against Paris Hilton, posing the question on whether they really did have the lives they claimed to. A large pat of the casualties came when Weird Al Yankovic, Doctor Octopus, Homer Simpson, Spiderman, Lugnut, R2-D2, Obi-Wan, Botanica, and a taskforce of grues and Cavity Creeps crashed the Vogon Constructor Fleet present into the hearts of Unicron and Primus in a suicide mission.

In the end Mr. Rogers, who had been proclaimed as dead for years after he joined the fight in 2001 finally became consensual winner after singlehandedly slaughtering the descendants of the Spartan 300, James Bond, and every Harry Potter character (including fancharacters) led by Steven Seagal. With a tear shed for those potential neighbors lost, he took his own life, making the entire fight a pointless exercise in violence. Sick to their stomachs, the nine survivors (Stephen Hawking, Einstein, Marge Simpson, some guy, Jimbo Wales, Shockwave, Wheelie, Rouge the Bat and Oscar Wilde) returned to their semi-normal lives.

[edit] The Mr. Rogers Slaughterfest

Mr. Roger's 2001 entry into the fight was a truly pivotal moment. He was surrounded by Goombas, Koopas, The Sesame Street Monsters, Stormtroopers (Nazi and Star Wars), rabbids, Decepticons, Grues, the Covenant, the Axis of Evil Doers, facehuggers, Xenomorphs, A Xenomorph Queen, Yeerks, Vogons, Metroids, dinosaurs, sabre-tooth tigers, giant squids, Cowboys, Indians, Indian cowboys, Liberals, terrorists, accountants, more Grues, Eurgs, Republicans, the French, Ninjas, Pirates, Ninja Pirates, Ninja Indian Cowboy Pirates, Zombie-Vampire-Ghosts, Zombie Ninja Vampire Indian Cowboy Ghost Pirates, Vehicons, Daleks, other evil non-transforming robots, Predators, nerds, suicide bombers, men in black, Bob the Builder and his crew, spammers, the Separatists, the Yuuzhan Vong, Cobra, Gungans, Wikipedia editors, Encyclopedia Dramatica editors, Japanese movie monsters, gays, catgirls, Pokemon, anti-Eurgs which are actually more Grues, jackasses, giant prehistoric insects, mad scientists, several 3rd grade English teachers, supervillians, Hollows, Chiropterans, Spetsnaz, those bug robots from Samurai Jack, a giant douche, and many more.

"It was amazing, really." said a witness. "He just kicked a Spartan in the crotch, grabbed his sword, and beheaded all the Daleks. He then grabbed their guns, shot the French in the head, after that he rammed the sword down the Xenomorph Queen's throat. He then yanked the sword out, beheaded six of the nine catgirls sneaking up behind him, before shooting off Megatron's head. He then grabbed Jetstorm and flew him into the Grue hordes, blasting them with his cannons, and then leaping off and throwing a grenade at Jimbo Wales and the Predators." Then Mr. Rogers did a triple-back-flip into a nest full of Zombie-Vampire-Ghosts and disemboweled every single one. He then came out of the nest, and saw some ninjas fighting some pirates in the distant. He quickly conjured his Demonic Neighborhood of Make-Believe Creatures and they tore, and devour every last one. Many enemies still lied ahead but then he ran into the mist and vanished. The rest has been deemed far too bloody and violent to display here. But at the end, Mr. Rogers crawled his way to the top, among the various corpses he had slain. Raised his sword in his bloodstained sweater and emerged as the victor of "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny."

[edit] Aftermath

The event, which eventually destroyed all of man's creation became the most infamous event and claimed the most lives (thankfully mostly c-list celebrities and red-shirts) in history. All those who did survive faded into obscurity very quickly.

Chucky became the last of the Big 4 horror slashers to not need a remake, though he was dismembered and thus barred from making any more sequels. Aaron Carter, fortunately was never seen again. The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny inspired a folk song ([1]), but was never dared parodied ([2]).

[edit] Casualties

The remains of those who died in The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.

Godzilla - KIA - by Screaming Banshees

Optimus Prime - KIA - by Godzilla (eaten)

Batman - KIA - by Chuck Norris

Superman - KIA - by Mr Rogers (beaten to death)

Bob the Builder - KIA - by Mr Rogers and The Sesame Street Monsters (Mr. Rogers turned on the Sesame Street Monsters soon after)

Pokemon - KIA - by Digimon

Dora the Explorer - KIA - By Chuck Norris

Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana- KIA - By everybody

Robocop - KIA - by T-800

Luigi - KIA - by Oscar Wilde

Power Rangers - by KIA - The Decepticons

The Covenant - KIA - by Master Chief and Yoda (Tag Team)

Master Chief - KIA - by Gordan Freeman

VR Troopers - KIA - by Hackers

Beetleborgs - KIA - by MechaGodzilla

Cobra - KIA - by The Pope and Pacman (The Ultimate Tag Team)

Mario - KIA - by Sonic the Hedgehog

Aquaman - KIA - by Red Green

Giant enemy crab - KIA - by boiling water (Vader uses the force to push him in causing MASSIVE DAMAGE!

Obi-Wan Kenobi - KIA - by Darth Vader

Emperor Palpatine - KIA - by Kit Fisto

This Guy - KIA - by That Guy

That Guy and Kit Fisto - KIA - by Chuck Norris

Aayla Secura - KIA - by Clone troopers (Emperor Palpatine executed Order 66)

Elmo - KIA - by Eric Cartman

Eric Cartman - KIA - by Jackie Chan

Darth Maul - KIA - by Red Green and Doctor Doom

Santa - KIA - by an unkown Delorean Time Machine Driver

Shaquille O'Neal - KIA - by Jackie Chan

Adolph Hitler - KIA - by Spock

Abraham Lincoln and Jackie Chan - KIA - by A Care Bear Stare

Ninja King - KIA - by Rouge the Bat

Your Mom - KIA - by Your Dad

Your Dad - KIA - by Your Real Dad

Albus Dumbledore - KIA - by Severus Snape

Kerrigan - KIA - by The Argon Fleet

Samus - KIA - by Nomad

The Combine - KIA - by Homsar and A bag O' Salt (Tag Team)

Mega Man - KIA - by Mega Man X

Chaplin - KIA - by Imperator Vlaana

Gorguts Head Hunter - KIA - by Thrall

The Locust Horde - KIA - by Patrick Star

Patrick Star - KIA - by Patrick Star (The stupid fool!)

King Kong - KIA - by Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong - KIA - by Ping Pong (He stood on the field and was bludgened by the ball until death)

Heavy Weapons Guy - KIA - by An Orange Grunt

Xan Kriegor - KIA - by Kane

Kane - KIA - by Xan Kriegor (He had 5 left over lifes from 'last man standing')

N/A - KIA - N/A

Ultra Marines - KIA - by Jimmy Hoffa

Homsar - KIA - by The "Noony Noony Noo" Typewriter Guy

Jimmy Hoffa - KIA by Blood Ravens (In retalliaton for the Ultra Marines)

Chuck Norris - KIA - by Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie and Robocop, and the Terminator, and Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader and Lo Pan, and Superman, and every single Power Ranger and Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, and Spock, and The Rock, and Doc Ock, Hulk Hogan and Captain Haddock (most died awfterward)

Mini Me - KIA - by Gengis Kahn

Neo - KIA - by Diablo

The entire Star Trek fleet - KIA - by The Borg

Grues - KIA - by Steve Nash and Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade

Mr Rogers - KIA - by Mr Rogers (killed himself after the fight)

Everyone Else - KIA - by Leroy M. Cohen

[edit] Fate of Survivors

As said earlier, the 9 remaining survivors faded into obscurity, so they (might of) died of neglect.

[edit] The Apocalyptic Battle of Destiny

It is said that once the moon has been bathed in blood, that half of the fallen heroes and villians of this battle will rise again in a ghostly manner (similar to Jesus), and will destroy villages, burn the crops, and poison the water supply, effectively bringing about the end of the world.