The Used

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~ Fonzie on Friday

“They weren't alright, not at all, not for one for one second.”

“Alex listens to this band”

~ DC

“I do not, you LIE”

~ Alex on DCs constant and anoying lying

The Used is a trip-hop band from Peru, consisting of Bert "Bueno" McCracken on tambourine, Quinn Allmen on triangle, some guy with stretched ears on Pita Bread and some pansy on drums. They've racked up a series of number one UK dance chart hits including "The Herd of My Sperm" and "I Gave This Song A Really Long Title To Show I'm Somehow Better Than Gerard Gay Way Who Was A Shit Lay Even If That's Not What I Said At The Time." The video for The Herd of My Sperm shoes McCracken being consumed by a couch at one point in what he says is a metaphor for "Our society (is), you know, rampant... furniture is constantly and unmistakably rummaging towards... eating people. I really just wanted to make an artistic statement on this kind of thing because it really fills me with anguish." Another high point of the video is an unknown man playing tonsil hockey with an unconscious McCracken. The man was later discovered to be none other than a pregnant Davey Havok, who when asked to comment simply rubbed his left moob vigourously in a counter-clockwise circular motion.

Debut Album[edit]

After about a month of hard work and painful, painful sex, The Used's self-titled debut album was released in Peru, Norwegia and Scotzerland. It's fusion of angst-filled ranting, contradictory and seemingly gibberish lyrics and pumping trip-hop dance floor beats was received with unanimous critical homophobic slurs, the Peruvian Rolling Stone simply declaring it "Faggorific." Bert and co toured extensively, receiving another lucky break mid-2002 when their megalomaniacal manager John was sentenced 304 years in prison for crimes against humanity when a video tape of himself and a caged Branden was mistakenly broadcast instead of an episode of Play School. It's understood all who were unfortunate enough to witness the episode died within minutes. Freed as they now were from their abhorrent sexual slavery, the Used could now begin work on their second album, though unfortunately they had to replace Branden as he was forced to go underground after being constantly recognized in the street and abused (and occasionally propositioned) by the mothers of children who witnessed the video. (He emerged from hiding several months later with a shiny new gender, having joined the punk band Rancid. Fans of the Used have expressed their angst and dissapointment over his lack of publicised sexual activity with the band.)


The Used have come up with 3 albums, although we don't know what the fuck they were all about. Lots of people swore that could hear a little girl moaning, but when they found out that it was Bert McCracken, they all screamed along the lines of... "THAT WAS A DUDE???!!!! WHAT THE FUCK???!!" But anyway, here are the albums and track listing.

Self-titled Thingy

  1. I'm an Amnesiac, So I Don't have any Memories
  2. This Pen Tastes Gross
  3. I'm a Model, and I Throw Up a lot
  4. A Few Years Ago, Something Happened
  5. Poetry is So Sad, but it's Cool When Someone Dies, Right?
  6. Put Me in a Coffin
  7. Lots of Knives Inside My Head
  8. Red and Purple and Black and Magenta
  9. Dumber with More Ideas
  10. Buzzing Noises and No Lovin'
  11. HA! You're All Alone, Too Bad For You!!
  12. This Puzzle Cannot Be Solved
  13. Lolita Monroe is my bitch

With Hatred and Life

  1. Will You Please Kill Me Already?
  3. I'll Just Bleed to Death if That's Okay
  4. What I Don't Already Have
  5. Glue the Devil Pieces Together
  6. Don't Wanna Hear this Crap
  7. Yesterday, Today, in fact Anytime of this Life, I HATE YOU!!!!
  8. Darkness with a Soft Feeling
  9. Too Much Scream and an Unnecessary Band
  10. Easy to Not Say Anything (Do That More Often)
  12. We're Posers

The Truth for Those Really Honest People

  1. The Stripper
  2. Pretty Hands Makes My Ass Warm
  3. The Chick and My Dick ("Worm")
  4. Hurricane or Something
  5. Brothel
  6. Exhausted (Your Dick Is Fucking Tiring Me)
  7. Fuck Me Tonight
  8. Fuck The Dead
  9. Find An Ass
  10. Sucker Lier
  11. Have Sex With Me
  12. Quesodilla (Smell My Dick)

Deep skeptisizm

1. Light Nights
2. Go Kill Yourself
3. Angel Behind You
4. Into A Net Thingy 
5. Some Random Bug Killer
6. Im Gonna Die Of Not Breathing Or Something
7. The Moon Goes Down
8. Healthy Hearts Are Gonna Die
9. Dick In Your Mouth
10. A Dark Hole

To be quite honest, I have no idea what these songs are about. You listen to them. Maybe edit this to make this approved by the guys here at Uncyclopedia. But this stuff is gonna stay. Deal with it.