The big time

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“I'd hit it!”

The big time is the celebrity-approved and improved heaven on earth where you'll recline in luxury for the rest of your days. That is, assuming you are a celebrity. Otherwise, you'll be lumped in with imbeciles and failures, spending the rest of your days wallowing in the granite lap of mediocrity. One can only speculate on what exactly the big time holds for those lucky enough to go there, but it is safe to say it has some of the most wonderful unspecified things from this world and without. Peer in fascination into the world of the haves and hope against hope[3] your have-not life will get bolstered by the badly documented delights of the big time.

What do we know about it?[edit]

Pick up any issue of Time Magazine to see who hit the big time.[1]
The big thyme.
Nope. Disneyland can't hold a candle.[2]

We've gleaned everything we know about the big time from optimistic casino gamblers and soccer players on losing streaks, as well as bits and pieces of everyday conversation:

Louis! This room is a mess! I am an inch from grounding you, mister! If you don't pick up your toys by dinner time, you'll be in trouble, big time!!

It is clear that the big time functions in some sort of justice-administering capacity, probably leveraging its limitless and unwritten rewards to motivate bad-attitude slackers like Louis here.

Since the big time takes only the best from planet Earth, we can say for certain it has whipped cream. We don't know exactly to what end the whipped cream is directed, but self-help books all agree the whipped cream is totally free, fat free, and Nutrathin.

We also speculate the summer camps have cafeterias that serve gourmet food, better quality even than the archery range which is also great. You can even order custom-designed romantic moments there, which through a miraculous stroke are not repressive or Kafkaesque in any way.[4]

Living the big time is definitely better than that delusional Second Life video game.

How do celebrities get there?[edit]

We now know it depends what kind of celebrity you are.

A recording artist is usually in a sound booth, and a sort of other-worldly light plays over her as she hits the high note on the best track of the biggest hit of her career. In her absence, the rest of the tracks on that CD and the rest of her albums really, truly bite the digital pitch-correcter, because they are all being ghost-sung.

The best understood of all ascensions to the big time is the baseball player. Jerry was in the zone all day, and that magic pitch comes, and to the hiss of the crowd's cheers, he hits it on the sweet spot. The bat bends, and recoils. The ball flies into the upper atmosphere and puts a hole through the head of Air India Flight's co-pilot. From then on, the athlete's plays are swift and fleet-footed, with a dash of playful reverie in victory at every base, but lack heart. Most people don't know that Jerry is a clone, and the real Jerry is living it up in the big time.

The case of movie stars is slightly more complicated. The actors who go to the big time are always in lead roles, and going to the big time is achieved by simply switching the actor and the character. For example, Tom Cruise chose to reach the big time by swapping roles with the protagonist of Mission: Impossible, and living in the virtual world the director created in there. You know that scene where he winks while kissing the broad before the big, heroic action sequence? That's when he went.

The one downside of the big time for movie stars is that the character is the one living in the real world, and if the character is a total fadeout, the reputation of the actor gets ruined.[5] The "real world" Tom Cruise, for example, got hoodwinked into promoting Scientology. Meanwhile, the apotheosis Tom Cruise commissioned two too many sequels from the MI franchise, just so he could have a scene in each one, trash-talking his "real world" self for his wayward actions.

How can I get there?![edit]

This person is unlikely to hit the big time.

In your state, there's no way. Fortunately, we can help! Buy, use, and do not return our exercise and life-skill videos:

  • Living the Eagle Within (Part 1 through 7)
  • Moving Truck for the Soul (quick-start guide)
  • I Second the Motion! (tips on electing your inner congressman)
  • The Gravy Diet (now FDA compliant)

O.. or if you're not into spending a few dollars to change your life (cheapie), you could always write the next great novel; fly around the world in a biplane; marry a rich whore; single-handedly establish a colony on Mars; write, produce, direct, and star in a blockbuster film; rise to the top of the art scene; invent the next genre of music; the list goes on!

I mean,... one of those things has gotta work for you,... right?


But it's my childhood dream![edit]

OK, OK, we'll level with you. There are a few other ways to get on board:

  • The Intergalactic Bonanza Act of 1931 prohibits job discrimination: that is, they're not allowed to discriminate unfairly against jobs. If you can rise to fame in one of the greenhorn fields that slipped onto the list, you're in. Presently, the easiest pass is techno-industrialist and sanitation worker. But still, in the former job you need a web site with 2 million hits a day, corrected for world population inflation. In the latter, you have to shovel a lot of dung.
  • Like any space, you can buy your way in. Why else would people be so worked up about money? Investment brokers, lottery players, birthday clowns: they're all talking about the big time. It seems that the transcendent operators[6] of the big time accept bribes, although publicly they refer to it as a measure of fairness. After all, if you can scrape together US$5 thousand million, you must have succeeded at something. Yes, that's right, you need 5 billion. Good luck with that.
  • Why not walk up to the gates pretending to be someone else?[7]

Finally, a real life interview with a big timer[edit]

Cquote1.png What's the big time like? Well there's money, and women, and decaffeinated automatic... OK, honey I'll help with the dry-on water-park... where was I, oh yes, the big time, it's not much different from,... HA get the new spiced slide-ways off me dear,... I'm back and,... yes, hun, we'll let #5 mow the genetically enhanced lawn today... where... to the sports salon... sounds great.... Sorry about the interview, guys, but... HA the electric fanny (click) Cquote2.png

Spellbinding, amazing, phantasmagorical, adjectivistic[8]. Earth's final paradise, the big time, probably doesn't await you.

See also[edit]


  1. ^ Don't get your hopes up; they were talking to the printer. Man, did his Ben Affleck impression kill at the Oscars last year.
  2. ^ Information courtesy of The Best Place on Earth Authority, which British Columbia has fruitlessly petitioned for 4 years.
  3. ^ High Life Express LLC cannot be held responsible for stress damage or denial of quiet enjoyment arising out of pitting hope against itself. You have been warned.
  4. ^ See Best Thing for the full list.
  5. ^ The same thing happened to Michael Richards after Seinfeld.
  6. ^ What does God say about all this? He's down.
  7. ^ We'll tell you why not. They'll first banish you, then parade you around as an anti-celebrity.
  8. ^ Not a real adjective.