The chav & skater war

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“Well, hello there! You are a very sexually active, predjudiced and overly aggressive young man and/or woman aren't you? No, I would not like to lend you ten pence, either. Fuck off.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Defeating Chavs

What is this war?[edit]

Since the year of 1984, in North Wales, there has been a dark storm brewing, and a burberry storm brewing along side it (they are the Chavs). Normally there has been little more than a slight annoyance of Skater culture called the Chav. but as the Chav infestation grew they began anoying all the Skaters, Emos and Goths. This annoyance caused the three groups to work closer and form the Skater, Emo and Goth Alliance. This alliance started a massive argument (that is the war).

Note: Jimmy 'Jimbo' Wales is believed to have been involved in this war also, but this has yet to be conclusively proven. As such he has not been included in the transcript below. The supporters of Wales' involvement reason that he is “...generally known to be a Jimbo who comes from Wales, duh!"

The Argument[edit]

  • "Oi, you star'in, innit?" chav to a skater
  • "Leave me alone!" the skater replies
  • "Cut your hair, innit" says the chav
  • "Cut your face, dumbass" the skater answers, annoyed.
  • "I get'in me bro on you, innit" shouts the chav
  • "Liar!" laughs the skater
  • "Wha' you on about?" the chav says, confused
  • "You live alone with your mum, noob!" The skater laughs louder.
  • "Yhh... goth" retorts the chav.
  • "Spell it" the skater says, smiling
  • "Uhh... G, A, Q... shu' up, innit" the chav says, slowly

A goth enters the argument.

  • "What are you two on about?" the goth asks
  • "I gonna batter 'im, in it" the chav replies
  • "Try it, dumbass" the skater says
  • "You are so a chav" the goth points out
  • "You're the chaf" the chav says (yes, just like that)
  • "You can't even say chav, chav" says the goth

An emo runs in with a knife.

  • "Wha you gonna do with dat?" says the chav in terror
  • "What do you think?" asks the emo

The emo slits his wrists and puts the knife away.

By this time there is a yellow puddle on the floor and the chav has fled.

How to Defeat a Chav[edit]

There are multiple ways to defeat a chav:

1. Speak proper english.

2. Scare them half to death.

3. Stare at them continuously.

4. Play an invisible instrument (an air guitar works best).

5. Ignore them (they might hit you rather hard, mind).

6. Pretend to be a chav then stop.

7. Say something intelligent (Oscar Wilde's personal favorite).

8. Laugh at what they say.

9. Insult them (make sure it is intelligent).

10. Scream something that is seemingly insane (i.e. "all your base are belong to us!!"

11. Kill them (this is my favorite).

Related stuff[edit]






Emo Hitler








Captain Marzypan

Oscar Wilde

Jimbo Wales