The coolest fucking species ever

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“At least its not a mothafuckin' snake on a mothafuckin' plane! MOTHAFUCK!”

~ Samuel Jackson on The Coolest Fucking Species Ever

“Global warming, or cooling will kill the coolest fucking species off in ten years if you don't bow down to me and make me ruler of the universe.”

~ Al Gore on whatever he is babbling about now.

The coolest fucking species ever is now officially, as of February 29, 2008, the COOLEST FUCKING SPECIES EVER! Up until recently, the identity of the coolest fucking species ever was not known. No one knew what they look like because they are so cool that taking a picture of them dissolves photographic film and makes the pens of artists shatter in their still-clenched grip. Scientists were finally able discover their identity, but only on the condition that they would not reveal the method by which the coolest fucking species ever revealed themselves. Suffice it to say that since they are so fucking cool, they get to decide when we know their identity and how we know it.

Related Species[edit]

This is not The coolest fucking species ever. But he does have an ice lolly so doesn't give a shit.

The Coolest Fucking Species Ever should not be confused with either the Coldest Fucking Species Ever (the Ice Monkeys of Eastern Utah) or the Coolest <bleep>ing Species Ever. The latter resides in television stations and excretes the <bleep> noises that cover expletives in the more genteel broadcasts.

In Captivity[edit]

The Coolest Fucking Species ever continue to elude capture; however, God, who is the only thing cooler than the coolest fucking species ever, is believed to keep a few in his summer residence in the Belgian Congo for their milk. In 2001 a photographer from Canada claimed to have captured one but it turned out to be a kitten covered in whipped cream. It wasn't that cool, unless you have a fetish for kittens.


Why are they so cool? Because they are, if you doubt it you are ether a traitor or you are not that cool at all. If you really want to know why they are so cool then ask your self this. If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around, and it lands on a mime, does anybody care? The answer? No, not even tree huggers, they know the tree would have wanted to die that way. So don't question it, and if you ever find yourself angry that you can't figure out why the coolest fucking species ever is so cool, take it out on mimes.

Put it this way: if we were cool enough to understand why they are so cool, they wouldn't be that much cooler than us. So by definition, the coolest fucking species ever must be permanently beyond human understanding.