The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
“My face ain't getting any older!”
“"When you grow to the size of a baby, your bladder shrinks to the size of pea. I used to constantly need a piss so I have had two extra kidneys put in."”
|The Curious Case of Benjamin Button|
|Written by||Brad Pitt|
|Starring||The Pitt Bros.|
|Preceded by||The Slippery Scare of Bob Bighead|
|Followed by||The Curious Case 2: Electric Boogaloo|
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008 Motion Picture) (American English) The Curious Case of Benjamin's Buttocks (English from England, i.e., English English) is an epic eight hours controversial documentary based on some two pages article by the Great Gatsby which was first shown in cinemas starting in late 2008, and took the world by storm, with appearances from Forrest Gump wannabe, Brad Pitt, and the debut performance of his son, Franklin Pitt, all very Pitty. It is the only film to have been given a perfect score of 50 by The New York Times, but otherwise received mixed reception, due to its heavily drug-abuse reliant story-line. It is based on the true story of how Benjamin Button influenced the course of minor events in the world's history. The movie uses real names, and has a cameo from the 'real' Benjamin Button, as a buxom barmaid. Christina Aguilera is the self-proclaimed world's biggest fan of the movie, having invested over half of her yearly income of over 9000 dollars on Benjamin Button merchandise every year from 2008 to the present year. The royalties from her obsessive exploits have been pooled to fund two 'Curious Case' sequels, conveniently titled JAWS and "The Curious Case 2: Electric Boogaloo".
In 1922, Benjamin Button is born to a mad scientist and his wife in New Orleans, Louisiana. Tim Button, using a potent mixture of psychedelic drugs and his own urine, brewed a youth serum in a copper kettle. Benjamin is exposed to these and now appears to be 86 years old, and although he ages backwardly by outward appearance, inside he begins to decompose.
The film then flashes to 1936, when Benjamin appears 72 years old and is sent to live in a nursing home. He yells at a nurse and complains about how the economy was better when he was 20 (in 1988). He escapes from the nursing home in 1938 and gets a job at a factory which mass produces those awesome tanks we killed the Germans with.
In 1941, at age 19, Benjamin unsuccessfully tries to join the US Army during WWII, because he appears to be 67 years old, and is therefore "an old ass maggot", in the words of the Army recruiter. Benjamin goes back to his childhood home a few days later.
In 1945, Benjamin mistakenly referred to VE Day as VD Day. He is approached by a man who says "I thought it was VD Day too. I just got herpes, and I'm looking to share the news."
The film then jumps to 1953, when Benjamin unknowingly invents rock n' roll by yelling obsenities (which later turns to gibberish, a la Jerry Lee Lewis) after hitting his head off of a kitchen cabinet. Nobody knows what this scene has to do with anything.
In 1957, nothing happens.
In 1965, Benjamin moves out of the house and rents an apartment. He meets Moonbeam, a 21 year-old college student who he chooses to have as a roommate.
In 1971, Benjamin's mother dies of a heart attack. This causes Benjamin to lash out at anyone within three feet of him.
The very next scene comes in 1973, where Benjamin is trying to get gas for his car during the Middle Eastern oil crisis. He punches some random guy in the face and goes to jail for four years. He is released in 1977, and then immediately goes to a disco (because that's what everyone did in 1977). There, he meets Daisy, his future wife, where they dance to the music of some group you've never heard of.
In 1980, the local football team, the New Orleans Saints, goes 0-14, which causes Benjamin to lash out even more than he did seven years earlier. He slaps Daisy in the face aggressively, but she eventually forgives him... by snatching his ass in a bear trap.
In 1982, Benjamin (then 60) and Daisy marry. Not like the wedding in "The Wedding Singer", where everything has to be a reference to the Rubik's Cube, the Reagan Administration, and some one-hit wonder, and the string quartet has to play "Don't Stop Believin'". It was an actual wedding.
In 1984, Benjamin tries narcotics and is transported to a magical parallel universe known as The Mushroom Kingdom, where he intereacts with a couple of little gay Italians named Mario and Mama Luigi. He then returns to the real world and tells some Japanese guy about the experince. The Japanese Guy then goes on to form a company called Nintendo and get rich off of Mario and Mama Luigi, and dosen't give Benjamin credit.
In 1985, Benjamin writes a poem called "We Built This City on Rock and Roll". After this paper fell out of his briefcase, Grace Slick of the band Jefferson Starship picked it up and wrote music to it. This was later voted VH1's Worst Song Ever.
In 1986, Benjamin and Daisy have their only son, which they name Preston. Preston Button. What a stupid name.
In 1987, Benjamin (who now appears 21, but is actually 65) enrolls at some random community college. He drops out in 1989 after he was mistaken by a student for a freshman when he was in fact a junior. What a N00b!
In 1991, Benjamin and Daisy contribute to the reelection campaign of Bill Clinton, saying that "no president will ever be worse than George H. W. Bush. His son might be a good president some day. He owns that baseball team in Texas, you know."
In 1994, he tries heroin and becomes the lead singer of a grunge band called The Underpants Gnomes. He later killed Kurt Cobain and blamed Courtney Love. He also accidentally killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, and some washed-up running back from the '70s was falsely accused of the murders.
In 1998, Benjamin claims to be a fifth grader and starts studying at some elementary school. He gains a reputation for beating kids up and stealing their lunch money.
In 2004, Benjamin convinces a young Illinois legislator by the name of Barack Obama to deliver a speech at the Democratic National Convention. Obama does, stating that "if I become a Senator, make sure Blago doesn't sell my seat."
In 2005, Benjamin and Daisy lose their New Orleans home to Hurricane Katrina. The couple moves to Nashville, Tennessee, but not before saying that "George Bush apparently has little concern for the African-American community.", which may or may not have been paraphrased by some attention whore.
In 2006, Daisy divorces the 84 year old Benjamin, only saying that "if Britney and K-Fed can do it, so can we". A despondent Benjamin orders a Russian mail-order bride off the internet after the divorce was finalized, and then watched some stupid YouTube videos.
The film ends with Benjamin dying in the arms of his Russian bride in late 2008, while talking about that crappy "Slumdog Millionaire" film.
Famous Scenes and Uncredited Appearances
- Benjamin Button falls over flat on his face during the 1953 scene. This scene was intended to be comical, as specified in the director's commentary of the film, but it resonated with many audiences as a sombre and bleak statement about mortality.
- Benjamin Button weeps on the floor in extreme pain as he experiences puberty backwards during several scenes set in the 1990s. Probably from having to listen to New Kids on the Block. His penis shrivels and he shrinks to a demeaning size.
- His penis shrunk! That's so freakin' funny!
- During a deleted scene set in 1966, Benjamin Button visits London and criticizes people for enjoying soccer/football, calling it "God's way of boring the shit out of everyone". He is promptly beaten up and thrown into the Thames. The British then mindlessly watch their team win the World Cup.
- While in prison during a deleted scene in 1976, Benjamin starts a fist fight with Prisoner #1 (played by O.J. Simpson). Benjamin is knocked out with one punch. This was claimed to have indirectly inspired the 1977 hockey movie "Slapshot" starring the Hanson brothers.
- During a deleted scene set in 1981, Benjamin Button is using the shower. He is then suddenly stabbed by a psychopath (played by Anne Heche), falls on the floor shrieking, and his blood goes down the plughole in black and white. This scene is also included in the movie Psycho. Since Brad Pitt can't be killed (due to the fact that he dates some hooker), he gets out of the shower with minor injuries.
- In another deleted scene set in 1990, Benjamin Button briefly goes to a high school and gets punched in the face by some guy in a wheelchair (played by Stephen Hawking) immediately after walking through the door. He then decides to drop out of high school and watch soap operas all day.
- In a deleted scene set in 1996, Benjamin is approached by a Dixieland band during a Mardi Gras celebration. For no apparent reason, the trombone player (played by Peter Griffin) swings his instrument at the back of Benjamin's head. As I said, this is Brad Pitt getting hit with the second largest instrument in the brass family. He only sustains minor injuries.
- In yet another deleted scene set in 2000, Benjamin convinces a writer named Jerry Bruckheimer (played by himself) to write a pilot for CBS for a show called "Crime Scene Investigation: Miami" and hire David Caruso to play the lead. Benjamin is eventually beaten up during the very nanosecond that script interpretation premieres on television.
- Have you noticed that in all of these deleted scenes, Benjamin suffers some sort of physical abuse?
- Rick Astley makes an uncredited appearance in the 1987 scene as "Guy in the Background who Lip-Syncs 'Never Gonna Give You Up'"
- During the 1967 scene where Benjamin imagined that he was talking to a hot dog after taking LSD, Gary Busey voiced the talking hot dog. Boy, he's desperate for work, isn't he?
- The touch eachother song can faintly be heard during the 1977 scene inside the disco.
- In the scene set in 1984, Benjamin witnesses a man in a red hat yelling "Mamma Mia!" while hitting his head against a stack of bricks until gold coins appeared. This was though to be a direct reference to the creation of the "Mario" video game franchise.
- In the 1994 scene where Benjamin accidentally kills Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, he drives away in a slow white Bronco. This car was identical to the car OJ Simpson infamously drove away in.
- The final scene of the movie, which takes place in 2008, features Benjamin complaining about the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Ironically, "Slumdog Millionaire" defeated "Benjamin Button" in the Best Picture category at the Oscars next year. I'm not sure why it did, because it's just a bunch of people dancing around at the end, yet they claim it's based on a true story. In that case, why don't you give High School Musical 2 the Best Picture Oscar next year?
The film was shown in 'Smellovision' for a limited time: a cinematic experience which allowed the audience to experience smells relating to the film through ventilation masks strapped to their face (such as the smell of old people in 1936, sweat and sex in 1977, and dirty diapers in 2006). However, this viewing method was scrapped for economic reasons- a dead cow had to be attached by the stomach to a fan, and the resulting air had to be pumped into the masks. The fans were too expensive to buy and maintain, and so the Smellovision Screenings were discontinued.
Cast (in order of appearance)
Bill Nye the Science Guy- Tim Button (1922, 1929)
Your Mom- Mrs. Button (1922, 1929, 1936, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1967, 1971)
Brad Pitt - Benjamin Button (1922, 1929, 1936, 1938, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1967, 1971, 1973, 1977, 1980, 1982, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987)
That One Blonde Detective from CSI: Miami - Owner of the nursing home (1936)
Larry King - Old Man #1 (1936)
John McCain - Old Man #2 (1936)
Madonna - Old Man #3 (1936)
That Guy - Factory Owner (1938)
R. Lee Ermey - US Army Recruiter (1941)
Cheech Marin - Moonbeam (1965, 1967)
Gary Busey - Talking Hot Dog (voice only) (1967)
Morgan Freeman - Guy who Benjamin punches in the face (1973)/God (2008)
OJ Simpson - Prison inmate #1 (1973, 1977)/ OJ Simpson (1994)
Bernie Madoff - Prison inmate #2 (1973, 1977)
Franklin Pitt - Daisy Button (1977, 1980, 1982, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1989, 1991, 1994, 1998, 2004, 2005, 2006)
John Travolta - Disco dancer (1977)
The real Benjamin Button - Barmaid (1977)
Archie Manning - Guy with a paper bag on his head (1980)
Marilyn Manson - Priest (1982)
Other people - Wedding guests (1982)
Random Italian Guy - Mario Mario (1984)
Random Italian Woman (complete with moustache) - Mama Luigi Mario (1984)
Pat Morita (from the decent "Karate Kid", not the crappy one with- oy vey... Will Smith's kid) - Japanese Guy, Founder of Nintendo (1984)
Grace Slick - Herself (1985)
Some kid who is only in the movie because they have those awful controlling parents who want fame vicariously through their kids - Preston Button (1986, 1987, 1989, 1991, 1994, 1998, 2004, 2006)
Taylor Lautner - Benjamin Button (1989, 1991, 1994, 1998)
Joel McHale - Community college student who confuses Benjamin Button for a freshman (1989)
Nick Jonas - Guitarist of Underpants Gnomes (1994)
Joe Jonas - Keyboardist of Underpants Gnomes (1994)
Kevin Jonas - Drummer of Underpants Gnomes (1994)
Note: All members of the Underpants Gnomes band needed to learn how to play musical instruments and sing decently in order to fulfill these roles.
God (not to be confused with Morgan Freeman's character) - Kurt Cobain (1994)
Some random drug addict - Courtney Love (1994)
The ghost of Nicole Brown Simpson - Nicole Brown Simpson (1994)
The ghost of Ron Goldman - Ron Goldman (1994)
Other people - Fifth grade class (1998)
Some kid who was on Nickelodeon once - Benjamin Button (2004, 2005, 2006)
Eminem - Barack Obama (2004)
Barack Obama - Eminem (2004)
Skateboarding Dog - Himself (2006)
Some one time "Law and Order" guest star - Russian bride (2006, 2008)
The taling baby from the E-Trade commercial - Benjamin Button (2008)
Deleted scenes - Nobody cares
Franklin Pitt (Debut Performance)
Franklin Pitt debuts in this film as the wife of Benjamin Button, Daisy Button. Some people claim that Cate Blanchett played Daisy Button, but they have no idea what the hell they're talking about. There are no nude scenes, but one cartoon representation of simulated sex between the two. Franklin demanded twice the amount his brother was paid for the movie ($20 million), and after being refused, shot himself in the middle of a scene. The director included this footage in the outtake reel at the end of the movie, some say a controversial choice, but hilarious nonetheless.
Since most of these movies with flashbacks usually play music from the same era in the background, here's a list of some songs which played in the background during the movie. Kind of like the beginning of that show "Everybody Hates Chris". You ever seen that show? It's good, you should watch it sometime. The soundtrack is available exclusively in the clearance bin at Wal-Mart. I've seen these CDs go for as much as 61 cents (tax included).
Some of these music references might be esoteric to the average reader, but I don't care like clarifying any of them. I'm lazy like that.
Music played by an orchestra - because they're cheap (used in 1922, 1929)
"Sing, Sing, Sing" - Benny Goodman (used in 1936)
"Puttin' on the Ritz" - Irving Berlin (used in 1938)
NOTE: I didn't know they made music in the '30s either.
"Woodchopper's Ball" - Woody Herman (used in 1941)
"In the Mood" - Glenn Miller (used in 1945)
"Great Balls of Fire" - Jerry Lee Lewis (used in 1953)
"Yellow Submarine" - The Beatles (used in 1965)
"These Boots Were Made for Walking" - Nancy Sinatra (used in 1967)
"A Horse With No Name" - America (used in 1973)
"Reelin' in the Years" - Steely Dan (used in 1973)
"The touch eachother song" - The Uncyclopedians (used in 1977)
"Disco Inferno" - The Trammps (used in 1977)
"Funky Town" - Lipps, Inc. (used in 1980)
"Do You Believe in Love" - Huey Lewis and the News (used in 1982)
"Karma Chameleon" - Culture Club (used in 1982)
"Like a Virgin" - Some prostitute (used in 1984)
"We Built This City" - Jefferson Starship (used in 1985)
"Round and Round" - RATT (used in 1985)
"Dead or Alive" - Bon Jovi (used in 1986)
"Sweet Child O Mine" - Guns N' Roses (used in 1987)
"Never Gonna Give You Up" - Rick Astley (used in 1987)
That one song where in the video, the women are wearing pink dresses and dancing around uncomfortably - Robert Palmer (used in 1989)
"True Colors" - Cyndi Lauper (used in 1989)
"Black or White" - Random unnamed pedophile. But hey, you probably know who I'm talking about, right? (used in 1991)
"Heart-Shaped Box" - Nirvana (used in 1994)
"The Sign" - Ace of Base (used in 1994)
"mmmBop" - Hanson (used in 1998)
"In Da Club" - 50 Cent (used in 2004)
"Let's Get it Started" - Black Eyed Peas (used in 2005)
More orchestra music - this time because I can't think of any more artists from 2005. Besides, don't you think that more solemn music should be played in a scene where some guy's house gets destroyed by a hurricane? You certainly wouldn't want "Rock You Like a Hurricane" playing, wouldn't you? Then again, is "Let's Get It Started" a good option?(used in 2005)
"The Reason" - Hoobastank (used in 2006)
"Soulja Boy Tell 'Em" - Soulja Boy (used in 2008)
More music from an orchestra - this time because they're still cheap (used in 2008)
- According to the director, each word of the article was represented by 10 minutes of documentary, including the article "the", some 34 times, and the word "so", very difficult to materialize on the film.