The many lives of Barry Scott

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Barry Scott in his Cillit Bang role

Barry Scott was born in 1961 in some place in Kent. He was the son of a baker and a waitress. He left school (and home) at the age of 16. He then spent 10 years living of benefits in a council house. One day, some one asked him if he wanted to do an advert for something nobody had ever heard of before. This made him an instant celebrity.

Barry Scott the communist[edit]


~ Matt Bellamy on Barry Scott

“What a nice man”

~ Karl Marx on Barry Scott

In 1987 Barry Scott randomly decided to become a commie. This, of course, made him lots of new enemies. It wasn't long before the tomatoes were being thrown at his house.

Barry was seen in 1988 leading a communist rally in Hyde Park, London. Their parade was stopped by armed police who gunned down six of them.

Fortunately Barry Scott gave up communism in 1990. Much to the relief of the British Communist Party to whom he had brought much grief

Barry Scott the terrorist[edit]

“He has helped us a great deal in the battle against the West”

~ Osama bin Laden on Barry Scott

After leaving the British Communist Party, Barry was a lost and confused man. He travelled the world, searching for a purpose. Whilst in Afghanistan, he came across a secret Al Qaeda camp. He had found a purpose! Barry Scott trained up to become an 1337 #8xx0r terrorist, and killed many infidels. We also see the development of his most used phrase in this period of Barry's life. When blowing up infidels, Barry would shout 'BANG! and the infidels are gone!'. This phrase inspired terror in many US marines, and almost became a legend among men. When the advertising board of Cillit Bang inc. heard about this, they hired him immediately. They changed 'infidels' to 'dirt', and the legend was born. Barry made a lot of money from his new career, but he never forgot his friends in the Middle East. Every month he sends Al qaeda a cheque to help their war effort.

It has been rumoured that Barry and Osama have teamed up to make their own product. No doubt it will have a name like Infidel-B-Gone.

Cillit Bang[edit]


~ Leonidas on Cillit Bang

“My motherfucking sink has dissolved”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Cillit bang

“It's a bit dangerous”

~ Captain Understatement on Cillit Bang

This has become a big part of Barry's life. It's the only thing anyone knows him for really. It is rumoured that during the commercial Barry lost 12 fingers trying to clean that good for nothing penny. Barry Scott was paid £2m for that advert. He bought a time machine with the money but that's another story.

I have managed to obtain the list of ingredients for Cillit Bang:

  • Carbolic acid.
  • Sulphuric acid.
  • Hydrochloric acid.
  • Napalm
  • C4 plastic explosive
  • Cat faeces

As you can see it's probably banned in most countries.

Barry Scott the porn star[edit]

For a while, there were no Cillit Bang adverts, due to such high sales. Cillit Bang inc. sacked Barry, but he was not unemployed for long. Jizzo the pimp soon hired Barry for his porn videos. Jizzo liked the way Barry always shouted, no matter what emotion he was feeling, and also felt that Barry's famous catchphrase could be edited to produce sexy results. Here is the result:

“BANG! and the bitch is pregnant/has an STD/owes me money”

~ Barry Scott on Porn Shoots

Barry's porn career was highly successful, and he became quite famous amongst dodgy back alley clubs and internet users. However without Barry's 'special touch', Cillit Bang sales soon dropped. The executives at Cillit Bang inc. decided they needed Barry back (duh). They rehired him - by force. They raided his apartment, kidnapped him, and blackmailed him into rejoining Cillit Bang inc. Thats what Barry did, for fear of his life and family's lives. However he was soon back to normal, with the help of some counselling.

What's Next For Barry?[edit]

Well, I don't know. But rumors are spreading. Some say he bought an island in the South Pacific and is currently trying to create a fascist regime there. Others say he is working on the new Cillit Boom, but I think they are crazy. The CIA have also released using him in weapons experiments, but for purpose? Not even Barry knows.

Barry Scott Quotes[edit]

“BANG! And the oil is ours”

~ George W Bush on Cillit Bang

“BANG! And world peace is ruined, millions are dead, and I'm a Furher 4 life!!!”

~ Hitler on Cillit Bang

“BANG! And...haha there isn't one!!”

~ Barry Scott on Your penis


~ The Stig on Barrry Scott

“Don't go near it! It might explode!”

~ Captain Obvious on Cillit Bang


~ Homer Simpson on Cillit Bang

“It is defying ze laws of physics, Ja”

~ Albert Einstein on Cillit Bang

“Get him, boys!”

~ The British Communist Party on Barry Scott


~ Barry Scott on The British Communist Party

“Damn. I'm running out of quotes”

~ The author of this article on Barry Scott

“BANG! And ... no thats a rubbish one”

~ The author of this article on Barry Scott qoutes

Here's one:

“Off with his head!”

~ Henry VIII on Barry Scott

“Off with his head!”

~ Elizabeth I on Barry Scott

“Off with his left leg!!(maniacle laughter)”

~ George IV on Barry Scott

“What the fuck is wrong with that guy?”

~ Richard III on George IV


~ 50 Cent on Barry Scott