The not so great Depression
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The Not So Great Depression was the name given to a brief period of composer Irving Berlin's life. According to Berlin's second wife, Ashley Judd, he became "a bit down" after a night of huffing "whip-its" and watching All in the Family reruns on Nick at Night. It was during this period that he created what is arguably his most insignificant work: "Thoughts on a Moustache at Four in the Morning". "Stache", as it is known by scholars, is widely thought of as the authoritative work on the subject of facial hair on balding men.
Irving Berlin, however, avoided discussing this period of his life altogether, with the exception of one occasion in 1989, when he told Rolling Stone's Cameron Crowe: "There was a particularly odd shadow coming from the bathroom that day. I was afraid to shave. I'm not proud of it, but there you have it."
Matthew Lesko has stated that he owes his vast empire to "a divine inspiration from hearing 'stache' for the first time"
Others have been said to have been inspired by "Stache", but further research has revealed that most of these people were Irving Berlin himself.
In June of 1998, self proclaimed Nostradamus scholar and object of international ridicule, Thomas J. Cruz held a press conference in his bathroom where he suggested that one of Nostradamus's quatrains predicted that the biblical armageddon would occur sometime in 2008. No one attended this press conference, however. The only record of it's existence, in fact, comes from two "anonymous" letters submitted to the New York Times newspaper which read, in full:
"I am NOT Tom Cruise! Why didn't you come to the meeting? Katie made Kool-Aid and everything!"
This inexplicable letter, it seems, was ignored by everyone. One week later, another letter was submitted to the New York Times. It read, again in full:
"My name is Bill Paxton. I am certainly not Tom Cruise. Why do you insist on glibly ignoring the facts! You're so fucking glib that you made me forget what I was going to say! Nostradamus predicted this! 2008! It's like War of the Worlds with boats! FUCK! You guys will never understand! Irving Berlin knew when he wrote the stache! He was in tune. Not like you people with your logic and medical procedures. I hope you all get pneumonia from reading this!"
A small number of Irving Berlin scholars have interpreted this surreal sequence of events to mean that Berlin was a prophet of Muhammad, and that he was attempting to warn us of the dangers of gazing upon another man's moustache, as Tom Cruise must have done before submitting these letters.
Most people agree, however, that this entire story is a pointless addition to this article and serves only to illustrate how batshit insane Tom Cruise is.