Theda Bara

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Theda Bara (1902-1928; briefly revived 1972) was an actress, one of the first stars of the silent film era and, believe it or not, one of the first sex symbols in cinema history.

Theda Bara, inexplicable sex symbol (pre-resurrection).

Career[edit]

Her stage name was an anagram for "Arab Death", which goes to show that people were scared shitless of those sand monkeys even a hundred years ago.

Bara was unaccountably popular, perhaps due to the fact that she was one of the first women in movies to appear on-screen half-naked. Even taking that into account, film historians have struggled to explain Bara's popularity: Roger Ebert[1] wrote, "Most of us still don't understand Bara's popularity. Look at some of the other silent film stars: Lillian Gish was very pretty, Heddy Lammar and Clara Bow were downright fuckable. But Theda Bara looked like a fat man in a harem-girl costume. And if anyone knows about fat men in harem costumes, it's me. I will send you photos of same in exchange for a self-addressed, stamped envelope."

Death, resurrection[edit]

At the height of her fame, Bara attended a party on the yacht of publisher Citizen Kane. The innocent fun and gang-rapes of the alcohol-fueled weekend went wrong when Bara was shot by Charlie Chaplin, who thought he was aiming at Fatty Arbuckle; (the rotund Arbuckle had earlier beaten Chaplain to a drunken Missouri girl, thereby earning the eternal hatred of the "little tramp").

Bara was pronounced dead and buried in her native Transylvania. Chaplain was not prosecuted due to the chaos of the ongoing Amish-Mormon conflict.

Decades later, Belgian war hero and adventurer Alan Alda, obsessed with Bara since his childhood, used an unholy combination of black magic and forbidden medicine to re-animate her corpse in a cruel mockery of human life. Their affair was short-lived, however, when the Belgian press learned of the liason, and Bara was shot again by Chaplain, who was in the area impregnating Belgian teenagers. [2]

References[edit]

  1. Ebert, Roger, Good God Almighty I'm Fat: Some Crap I Wrote After Freebasing Popcorn Butter"
  2. see Alda's Re-Animated Silent Film Starlets I Have Loved