Theodor Wiesengrund Adorno

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Geisenheim Files
Theodor W. Adorno
Puppy.jpg
By assuming the form of a cute little puppy, Adorno lulled his enemies into a false sense of security.
Height: Larger than life
Occupation: Destroyer of worlds
Catchphrase: "Hargh....must...destroy..."
Geisenheim Factor: Destroyed Geisenheim
Hitlerism Percentage: NO! (-198%)
Favorite Dish: sugar free (suffers from dialectics mellitus)
Hobbies: Razzing Martin Heidegger


Theodor Wiesengrund Adorno (*September 11 (really!), 1902 in Todtnauberg (Black Forest Clinic), +Summer of 69 in Geisenheim, Switzerland) was a German Marxist pirate, ninja, philosopher and wizard.

T.W. Adorno before selling his Hair for the categorical Imperative. In the Background, but unfortuneately invisible, the "Muff von tausend Jahren". - "stinky air of 1000 years" produced by european Scholarly ones in the 60's as a confession to traditional cooking in the public University-Kitchen (Mensa).


The Life and Opinions of Th. W. Adorno, Critical Theorist[edit]

I have become Death, destroyer of worlds[edit]

Son to a biscuit salesman and an aunt, Theodor Wiesengrund Adorno starts an early pirating career by combining his inborn psi gifts of psychokinesis, Freudian psychoanalysis, clairvoyance, teleportation, Husserlian Phenomenology, astral travel, time travel, Historical Materialism, 1337 64/\/\1/\/6, I-I4><0R463, and Earth-shattering powers of supreme might, resulting in an awkward, yet pleasing psionic Marxist philosophy called Critical Theory. Through the powers of Critical Theory, Adorno enthralls his former classmate and oviduct, Max Horkheimer, and, by sucking his brain dry (like an Illithid!!), forces him to join Adorno in his twisted acts of unbelievably foul ninja cruelty. If once you start down the path of Critical Theory, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Th. W. Adorno and the Case of the Obtuse Marxist[edit]

Persecuted by a legion of bounty hunters, the Horkheimer/Adorno duo finally arrives at the gates of Frankfurt, seat of the evil Hungarian Marxist George Lucas. Through the power of negative dialectics, and a dance very similar to hip-hop shuffling, Adorno destroys the notion of an Hegelian immanent teleology of history, resulting in the complete and utter annihilation of Frankfurt. Adorno sees this as a fine opportunity to practise his skills at the piano, resulting in a terrible headache for Thomas Mann ("...schlechtes Klavierspiel Adornos..."), a famous and heterosexual German author. Erecting his wizard tower on the shambles of Frankfurt ("Frankfurt School"), Adorno tries to destroy his ninja enemies Strawinsky, Hindemith and Arthur Mogger by demonstrating that the demystifying ideology of Enlightenment has mythology subreptively parenthesized in its own inner workings, thus leading into fascism. This spontaneous insight triggers several new psi, philosopher and pirate powers in the prefrontal lobe of Adorno's brain, most of which are much to powerful to be divulged here in all due detail.

The blasphemic and cyclopean Frankfurt School

Destroy all things[edit]

Due to a very, very homosexual incident with his paternal but ugly friend Siegfried Kracauer, Adorno had to leave Germany, giving rise to suspicion, as is highlighted by the remark of his former colleague and friend Martin Heidegger ("Meine Jahre als nationalsozialistischer Pumphosenspießer", 1927): "Maybe my darker instincts are correct about the left. Maybe the knowledge that I deny is the truth... the knowledge the the left is dark and willing to destroy all things." In his californian exile, Adorno financially survives by selling spare body parts of Leo Löwenthal to Gert Van Der Whoops of the Rijksmuseum in the Hague and by locking himself in the cupboard. In his spare time, he uses his weakened ninja powers to develop the project of a general critique of modern mass culture, subsumed under the notion of 'culture industry', which, through the means of an industrialized production of leisure, effectivelly establishes a fascist form of consciousness while democracy is formally still functional - a thesis which forms the central argument of his masterpiece, "Dialects of Nether Saxonia": fun is gloom, and vice versa. As California is not really a place to gather an enthusiastic audience for this kind of criticism ("fuck you, stupid Nazi jew!"), Adorno falls into a phase of hibernation.

Happy at Last[edit]

In 1968, the lifeless husk of Adorno is found in Antarctica. A team of international culture critics tries to restore him to life by feeding him the blood of vampire king Mainhardt Graf von Nayhauss, which, incidentally, is also the forbidden Fruit of the biblical Tree of Life. As the Fruit of Knowledge is already held by the philosopher, Adorno now possesses them both, and therefore, becomes God. Humanity rejoices in a moment of ultimate ecstasy, all things are destroyed, and human history finally ends.

Adorno dislikes smoke

Control of Music[edit]

Adorno controlled music through a pipe in the annals of his head. Thi was given to him by Frank Spencer AKA Fred, I say given to him, b toRINK HIS BRAIN>Fred was actually trying to drink his brain. tHROGUH A sATELLITE, from through he teleepathetically devoured his gifted little coiled sausage of a mind. So Adorno is very good at music, and because music is, as Tim Berners Lee said, "the wires that lead into the WWW"., Adorno could use the internet. He is unforu=tunately tampered by astral interfeierence as well as aerials and radios around his house., ofte dist he world at large are distorted, which is a shame.

Fun Facts about Adorno[edit]

  • In his Berlin years, Adorno unsuccessfully tried to establish the word "Popanz" as an abbreviation for "Potsdamer Platz".
  • Adorno dislikes smoke.

Remarkable Quotes[edit]

  • Unfortunetaly, my elaborate writing style translates only poorly sich into English. This is because German is special (and the Germans).
  • Popular music is like a finger pointing to spaces between reified commodities, and in following the trace of this the direction, we find ourselves back in the same space between reifications, this time, reified ourselves. I fucking hate it!
  • OMG I like Transformers sooooo much they are totally awesiome!!! Surely culture industry is not so bad after all.

See also[edit]