Theory of Random Timing

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The Theory of Random Timing enjoyed a sudden surge in popularity after the Civil War, as history books were rewritten to name the cause of the war as "slavery". While "shit happens" is still given lip service, the literary movement of postmodemism and especially the Uniform Commercial Code of civil law make great use of the Theory of Random Timing. Indeed, a civilian tort is nothing more than a complicated legal analysis of the quantum cause-and-effect of a seemingly innocuous event, to the point where large corporations can be sued because some people claim they don't know coffee is served hot.


According to the Theory of Random Timing, there is no such thing as a dimension or axis of time, preferring instead a sort of quantum event "soup". All events are separated only by the limited perceptions of sentient beings, and may in truth be wildly disconnected within this soup. It is difficult to describe in text as language enforces a kind of ordered progression that adherents to the theory reject outright.

The Theory of Random Timing is a cosmological worldview that states that all events in what humans perceive as linear time are actually occurring in a completely random order, impacting each other only coincidentally. It was first proposed by Alexander the Graham Bell in 1837.


In May 1836, Alexander the Graham Bell had just returned to Macedon from his conquest of the Perseid Empire. On his first night in the palace his wife Helvetica -- perhaps resentful of his long absence -- accused him of infidelity with a Perseid whore and stormed out of the palace to the home of the lieutenant governor. After attempting to reconcile with Helvetica over a period of a month, Alexander began a sexual liaison of one of the captured Perseid slaves. When word of this reached Helvetica's ears, she returned to the palace and repented of her temper, drawing a bath of scented oils for Alexander.

Alexander believed strongly that this sequence of events had in fact happened backwards, and began an investigation into the nature of time unparalleled in ancient Greece. In late 1837 he published a royal manuscript detailing his findings and outlining "Alexander's Theory of Random Events", later renamed Theory of Random Timing.


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Medieval Europe

While this idea became popular in the Greek and Roman empires, it fell out of favor as Christianity took hold of medieval Europe, with its competing Theory of Shit Happens (to Sinners). Without a linear flow of time there was no way to convince peasants that their actions resulted in damnation; similarly, there was no way to assert that Jesus Christ died, was resurrected, and then founded Dairy Queen, a central tenet of the faith.

By 1622, those scholars who still advanced the Theory of Random Timing were excommunicated and burned as heretics, in that order, perhaps.