Uncyclopedia:Horoscopes

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Welcome to This Week's Horoscopes, as brought to you by Uncyclopedia! We hope you find these scientifically calculated astrological predictions to be distinctly unhelpful. Every aspect of your life is predetermined by the alignment of the sun, moon, and billions and billions of stars, and we can see all of it. But you only get it one week at a time, because we don't like to help you very much if we can avoid it. Please note we are not responsible for any unnecessary problems, mistakes, freak accidents, sudden relationship turmoil, lightning strikes or other acts of God, mental problems, or edits to this page by unauthorized hacks.

Horoscopes Archives: 1

[edit] Week 9/06/09

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are fun-loving, outgoing, but seriously crap at telling the date. Look at the calender again. It's not your birthday, take off that stupid hat and cancel the stripper.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week you will be mugged by a vulcan at a science-fiction convention. Set your phaser to kill, take him down with one shot.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week is not a good week to hack in to the pentagon computer database. If you don't believe me, look at the agent with a silenced 9mm behind you.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week is a very good week to ask your boss for a pay rise. He won't give you one, because he will think you're trying to ask him out, so he'll... give you one. Think about it.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is your week for techno music. No, I don't know what that means either. Give me a break! I see messages in the stars, They won't always make sense!
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, play tennis at every available opportunity. Yes, even during your sister's wedding, only good can come of it.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, live la vida loca... in Arkham Asylum.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, you will realize that the funky birthmark you have impressed all your previous lovers with, is in fact cancerous. You have two months to live. Maybe you should have spent less time having sex and more time watching House.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week, vague, general, trashy stuff will happen and any advice I give you will be worth fuck all.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, you will meet the enchanting Mr. Bingley at Netherfield. Look out! He's a rapist!
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, vampires will start being surprisingly friendly. Wear a neck guard.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, use daddy's razor blade to let all the magic pixies living in your wrists out, back in to the spirit world. Free the pixies dammit!
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, don't listen to Gandalf. He's a lying fuck. Just because he has a big beard and pointy hat, doesn't mean he is nice.

[edit] Week 8/27/09

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are fun-loving, outgoing and stupid to the point of being Paris Hilton. How the hell did you survive a whole other year, thicky? Jump in the nearest bear-trap to save yourself from a less pleasant death at the hands of an enraged bank-teller later this year. Do it now!

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week is not a good week to try 'do-it-yourself' brain surgery, so put down the bread knife and industrial pliers and take some paracetemol for the headache instead.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you should avoid the letter 'H'. It's out to get you... with a vengeance.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week is a good week to start work on that nuclear bomb shelter you've been putting off installing in your basement. It may come in handy, but I'm not saying why.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week you will finally understand why Chris Angel knew what your card was, you will rejoice beyond belief, then realize just how horrible your existence is and find the need to stab the nearest wall socket with a pen-knife.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week you will be kissed by John Barrowman. Stop screaming! You know you want it... I know I do, but unfortunately I'm a Gemini, look what I've got to put up with this week!
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week is not a good week for going to confessional, the woman you had an affair with is actually the Priest's son. It can only be awkward.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you will find the need to keep your friends close and your enemies closer... Deliverance style. And no I don't mean a banjo duel.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week, a financial transaction will benefit you emotionally, but the prostitute will also give you an STD. Win some lose some, I guess.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will learn that your spitefully sending Richard Dawkins christmas-cards every year, isn't having the desired effect, he is in fact quite pleased to recieve them, even if it is August. If you're going to make a stand for your religion, do it properly. Remember, 72 Virgins... or was that 72 sparkling beads... best check with God before you don the old cemtex vest.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week is going to be fantastic. Apart from the flesh-eating bacteria. And the Komodo Dragons. And the cannibal, ninja warriors. And the trans-Atlantic flight. And the killer electric vortex entity. And the exploding nipples. Actually come to think of it, this week is going to be crap. Sorry for getting your hopes up.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week should be spent in deep, thoughtful study of life and the meaning of existence. You won't work out any of these big mysteries, but it will give you a good chat up line for the opposite sex in future.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, look very closely at the tea-leaves. They won't tell your fortune, but there's a good chance someone will have substituted them with cannabis, so be on the look out.

[edit] Week 8/3/09

Your birthday this week: Leo! Leos are fun-loving, outgoing and incorrigibly evil. Remember this year that the only good thing that is happening is that you are advancing another year toward the one in which you will die. Nothing else that happens will matter. Not even the Christmas blow job your wife will be giving you while thinking about John Mayer. Trust me, it won't be that much longer, though you do still have time to spend the entire estate to keep it out of those rotten kid's greedy claws. Have a nice birthday, old-ass fucker.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - It's time to finally admit it to yourself. I know you've made a lot of progress, filling your iPod with the likes of Jeff Buckley, Sigur Ros and The Shins, but you need to take it to the next level now and finally admit that Rush sucks, and always has.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your plans for the big Christmas in August party are going to go awry when everyone fails to grasp the profound irony you are going for.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from air travel this week. Did I say air travel? Sorry. I meant man-eating crocodiles. No, your flight will go just fine. I think. OK, wait. I'm confused. Which one is it now? Well, whatever. Have a nice trip.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - If this horoscope were a limerick, it would probably seem like a gimmick. So suffice it to say you will have a great day if you stop being such a damn cynic.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Hey, you have a booger hanging from your nose. Made you look.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky unintelligible blatherings this week are "Raining bubble frighten scooter mucker sloop!" and "Glompucket!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - For the sake of variety, put two pencils in your left ear some time this week. Unless that's what you normally do.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Play the Radiohead song "Knives Out" backwards and do what you think it is saying. Make sure to wear gloves to minimize the evidence.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your fear of chicken is actually relatively reasonable and does not indicate a need for all the expensive therapy. At least in comparison to your bone-headed faith in astrology.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Putting aside for a moment the large globules on your penis, it would be prudent of you to see a doctor this week for that cough at the very least.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Yes, officially changing your name to Jim Poop will certainly amuse your third grade students. Go for it.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Both sides of the argument for legalizing drugs have legitimate cases. Both sides of the argument for gun control do too. But there is no nuance in the argument against bestiality. Keep the gun, keep the pot. Put the cat down.

[edit] Week 7/20/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing and likely to die exceedingly young. This is because someone will undoubtedly get jealous of the fact that they are having fun and going out and stab them with a pen in the forehead. In the second half of the week, Leo! Leos are fun-loving, outgoing and very similar to Cancers, and look what happened to them this week... think about it.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week you will lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you'd better never let it go-o! You only get one shot, so make sure you hit the guy on the grassy knoll and not the President.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week you will climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every A-road, until you find your dream. The specials at Little Chef this week are Tomato Soup and Falafal Burgers.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, don't be put out by how much better than you everyone else is. Underneath it all, they're just as suicidal as you.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, take a leaf out of someone else's book. A marijuana leaf. Then take it to the principal and get his arse expelled.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, remember that a bird in hand is worth two with bush. Hold on a minute...
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week, dance pretty boy.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, don't be afraid to be a bit more liberal with your finances. By which I mean, pay for your prostitute's abortion like a gentleman.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, float like a butterfly and sting like a "Dear John" letter from your long distance girlfriend who was "just friends" with Frank "Pectorals" Smith the Mailman.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, kill two birds with one nuclear warhead.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week, if music be the food of love, your brother must have a whole cheer-leading squad in his room, cause the little bastard is playing Fallout Boy so fucking loud I can hear it from across the road!
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, live the dream, however weird, illegal or sexually perverse it might be.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, you will form a Liverpool based rock band and tour the world with your catchy lyrics and up-beat melodies, then eventually end up narrating a children's TV show about trains.

[edit] Week 7/13/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing and putrid. I'm not saying your summer vacation this year will be a complete disaster, but I do need to ask you this: how long do you think you can tread water? Maybe some leg-strengthening exercizes are in order before you set off. Have a good time.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Ketchup, originally "catsup", is a Chinese invention. Ask yourself this this week: when was the last time you used ketchup on your Chinese food?

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Glowing balls of energy orbit your spirit in the supernatural realm. This sounds nice and uplifting and motivating and all, but it actually only makes it easy for the ghosts of old dead enemies to find you and haunt you.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your Great Aunt Eleanor contacted me from beyond. She wants you to know that she's always watching over you. She says you need to stop eating your ear wax, it's unhealthy. And you masturbate too much.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - In a former life, you were a great Mongol warrior. You were responsible for the deaths of literally thousands of innocents, including women and children. You raped, you pillaged, you maimed and destroyed. Karma, knowing no statute of limitations, kindly requests that you tone down the incessant complaining about how badly your life sucks.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your lucky British old-timer catch phrases with no discernable significance this week are "Lord, love a duck!" and "Bob's your uncle!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your Janet Reno act is getting old. Try another woman of great power and influence on for a while. Unfortunately there's nothing that can be done about your resemblance to Reno, but still.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week, begin to understand how your sense of shame has hindered you, and that you need to let go of it. You know you invented the Snuggie by wearing your bathrobe backwards. You could be reaping the profits from it if you simply come forward and admit it.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are very good at appearing insane. You just need to work on not actually being insane.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lucky iconic caveman names this week are "Og" and "Grog". Use then interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - When she told you she was looking for more than just sex with you, she didn't mean you could bring all your buddies next time. Just a heads up.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your relationship with the midget will not work out, and not just because you don't see eye to eye. He's also a big dumb jerk.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Scoot over a bit. A bit more. Good. Now, don't flinch if you don't want to miss the falling cow!

[edit] Week 7/6/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing, but otherwise completely dull and tasteless. It's your birthday this week so get out the paddling pool and drown yourself in it out of hopeless despair, I suggest using lead weights and fishing wire to hold yourself underwater.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The letter 9 will be your lucky letter this week, unfortunately it will also cause you to fail basic spelling and grammar tests at your new job interview.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This is a good week for you, party like it's 1499. Catch the plague and crap out of the window, in keeping with the theme.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your on fire this week! Literally! Go take a bath in liquid CO2.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you will decide to procrastinate... next week
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Talk like Yoda, you will, this week. Hmmm?
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Keep a loaded cricket bat under your bed this week, you'll need it in the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week if you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you will renounce Satan. The bastard stole all your Monster Munch.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, if you find yourself talking to a beautiful girl, at a convenient point in the conversation say: "I've seen things you can't possibly imagine," in an awe-inspiring way. She will immediately be impressed and sleep with you. Probably.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Meet any troubles this week with a smile in your heart and a song on your face.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, keep very, very still. Just trust me.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week the force will be with you. Always.

[edit] Week 6/29/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing and hopeless. This is the year that the crab can expect his paybacks. Be ready for all of the people that hurt you over the years coming back, groveling at your feet, begging you to forgive them and offering any pennance you might require of them. It isn't going to happen, but get ready for it anyway. The look on your face at the end of the year, when you're still wallowing in your abject self-pity, will be priceless.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - All of life speaks to you in a spiritual language that only your heart knows. Either that or you've eaten too much Taco Bell again.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Several of the celebrities you have always idolized will die this week. But do not hole yourself up in your room weeping bitterly. They are real humans, and their deaths will be tragic for the people closest to them, but you didn't know them from Shinola. So settle the fuck down.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - A new path to enlightenment will appear to you at the holy entrance into your vagina. That's if you're hot. And female. Otherwise, no enlightenment for you this week, pal.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Three things will occur to you this week: one, why was there never a god of gravity in any mythology; two, why doesn't chocolate ice cream ever taste like chocolate in any other form; and three, the things that occur to you during a given week are pretty much a waste of all of our time.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The stars hate you this week. God, you make the stars sick to their stomachs this week, I tell you. The stars can't stand the sight of your disgusting, vile ass, or the screechy sound of your whiney, complaining voice. That's all. Otherwise, have a good week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your life is an open book. In a bonfire. Surrounded by jeering Christians who believe they are doing the Lord's work.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your lucky farts this week are loud and obnoxious but surprisingly inoffensive, and the mysteriously stinky "poot". Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - I know you didn't choose to be a sad clown - becoming a sad clown was the natural result of your pitiful upbringing. Still, you're scaring the kids. Lighten up. Make a god damn balloon animal or something at least.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Listen. Some of my best friends are Pisces. So don't take it personally when I say your religious preference will lose you some lucrative opportunities this week, so leave the mitre at home.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Stop calling me while you are eating marshmallows, I don't understand a word you're saying. How did you get my phone number, anyways? Oh, by the way, this week a Satanist will IM you on facebook.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your lucky meanings of the term "football" this week are "some blazingly boring ball-kicking match played on a pitch in which no one ever scores" and "a gritty, heart-stopping chess-match-slash-battle played on a gridiron between squads of real men, uniquely combining athletic strength and skill with keen intellect and sheer guts". Do not use them interchangeably - forget the first one altogether. It sucks balls, and is unamerican.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Kick a cat this week. For luck.

[edit] Week 6/22/09

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Cancers are fun-loving, outgoing twits. Your birthday is this week and no one cares. But if you come over to my place I'll give you a pity hand job, on the house. See you then.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Look out behind you! Oh too late. Sorry, you should have read this page sooner.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Usted comenzará a hablar español. ¿Está loco, sí?
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Gorgeous women will run at you from all directions and start to do the most incredible... sorry that's next week's horoscope. This week you will be entombed in a block of ice with Gene Shallot. But hey, look forward to next week.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Some annoying eight year old will keep shining a torch in your face, you'll be like "Stop that!" and he'll be like "No", then you'll lose your temper and beat him to death with a Kit Kat chunky. Hide the body in a lake, they won't look there.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You will have the most wonderful dream, except he was there, and he was there and he was there.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Don't piss off the guy with the Kit Kat chunky.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Take the red pill. That's all I can say.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will break the fourth wall, much to the dismay of the couple you were watching in the hotel room next door.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will respond to a shameless article plug from a horoscope writer.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You will join the gang war between the Tweenies and the Fimbles. The question is, which side?
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will see through the facade of astrology, ergo I don't need to a write you a horoscope.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will receive a fish in the post. Don't worry it's not the Mafia, your subscription to Fisherman's Weekly has finally gone through.

[edit] Week 6/15/09

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis are outgoing, fun-loving and soul-crushingly flawed. Desire nothing more nor less this year than food for your table, a pillow for your head, and a clear signal for your SETI radar. Although two out of three of those will have to suffice, seeing that we are, it turns out, alone in this universe after all. Put that shit away already. You freak. And take off that tinfoil hat.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This is a good week to turn into a gerbil. If you have not yet acquired this capability, don't worry. There will be many other good weeks for you to turn into a gerbil in the future.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Stop stressing yourself out about what interrogation methods actually constitute torture, in a strictly legal sense, per se. It really is a situational issue. And your wife knows more than she's telling you.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - A group of Japanese tourists will steal your soul this week. Unless you are not Aborigine. If you are not Aborigine, then they will merely be taking your picture. Smile!

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, you will be ready. You should probably untie that rope from your balls first, though.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - The bad news is, the doctors were right and your baby will be born without limbs. The good news is, the pool water is plenty warm and your wife has no idea why you really want to name him Bob.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - English language gerund ambiguity will strike again this week. Unless you can remember that although "Gargling Cockroaches" is a great name for the band, it's a noun phrase and a colorful metaphor describing the deathcore vocal style, not a verb phrase describing a home remedy for your sore throat.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - That tingling sensation this week is the cosmos telling you that it's working.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your wife may not be into the threesome that you keep begging her for, but look on the bright side. It means you don't have to bring her along. Have fun this weekend!

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your lucky sci-fi catch phrases this week are "You've lost the ability to think and reason for yourselves! You've become... machines!" and "I'm shoving this ship right down that thing's throat!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Can you get my utility bills for me this week? I'd really appreciate it. It's not like I've never done anything for you. Water and power are $150, trash is $45 and gas is $29.95. Call me for the info about where to send the checks. Thanks.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - This week old sensations are renewed as an old friend invites you on a nostalgic trip: the Southern California breeze in your auburn hair, the scent of wild sage in the rain-washed desert, and the unmistakable taste of raw monkey brains between your teeth.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You are the master of your destiny, and whatnot. Nice hat, by the way.

[edit] Week 6/8/09

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis are fun-loving, outgoing losers. You will lose one sock of a pair this week. Just one fucking sock. Not both. How the hell does one sock get lost from the wash to the dryer? It will be there with the other one when you put them in, and then, inexplicably, it will be gone. Unbefuckinglievable. Of all things. How? There are no holes in the washer. There will be no socks lying around on the floor. How the fuck does this even happen? Where will that sock go? For crying out loud!

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will invent hilarious fake^[1] horoscopes this week and post them on a satirical horoscope web site. But you will be sad because the web site will not be The Onion.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Speedometer Christ has your machine blowing horse bundles into the president's crotch. Also, don't forget to turn on your surrealism interpretation machine.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week, you will discover the reason "poop" is always funny, while "poo", not so much. Also, you will fart.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - A final death match in your weary mind between possessive "its" and the contraction "it's" will bring an end to your grammar-induced suffering. I won't tell you who wins, but remember this: consistently wrong will turn out to be no better for you than occasionally wrong.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you will finally forget about that traumatic, defining moment when you were a little boy - when Jenny Underwood showed you her vagina - that has resulted in your debilitating sexual addiction. Just be sure not to read this horoscope again after it happens, or it's back to square one.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - For the love of God, pin this horoscope to your refrigerator NOW and don't fail to heed its dire warning!

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will not experience the events that this horoscope claims this week. You will write your own horoscope contradicting it, and it will come true, proving this one wrong. Also, you will begin to tire of paradoxical self-reference humor.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week you will suddenly recall the film Quest for Fire and that feeling you had after seeing it when you were twelve will return: Sure, Rae Dawn Chong was naked for the whole film, but you really couldn't see enough to really get off. Species was much better. Then you will get coffee and get back to work.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The term "side-splittingly funny" will become tragically real for you this week, and you will be hospitalized with extreme blood loss. That is, unless you can bring yourself to steer clear of my Uncyclopedia articles.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will just miss meeting Christopher Walken unexpectedly, which I probably shouldn't have told you, because you would never have known it otherwise, and now you're all upset.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Generally, people love your gregariousness, your overblown sense of entitlement and your six fingers on each hand. But this isn't a good week to flaunt them. Just trust me.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will be a magnet for money this week. But it will not help, because money is not magnetic. Plus, if you are close enough to a god damn dollar bill for a magnetic field to attract it if it were magnetic, then just pick it the hell up and be on your way. Lazy asshole.

1. ↑ Please note the ironic use of the term

[edit] Week 6/2/09

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis are fun-loving, outgoing shitfuckers. Have a party with drugs, blackjack and hookers. You'll hate it and probably get arrested, but it will give you a good story to talk about when you eventually go to college, so all your roomies won't think you're a twatty little, upper class, know-it-all, wanker.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will meet your long lost brother. He will be a total arse. Sucks to be you this week, eh?
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will actually get cancer. Ha ha! And you thought it was just a star sign. These buggers are quite powerful you know. Look what I've written for Scorpio! He is sooooo gonna die...
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will start speaking in tongues. You will have tongue sandwiches for lunch. You will stick out your tongue at the Pope. You will have a tongue stuck down your throat by a gorgeous girl. It's a good week for tongues...
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Virgo sounds like virgin. Ergo, Virgo (It rhymes, ha ha), you will become a virgin this week. Yes, it is actually possible to find your virginity as well as lose it.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You will meet the love of your life at a Cat Empire concert. If you don't go to a Cat Empire concert you will be lonely forever. Go to the god-damn Cat Empire concert. Now, for fuck's sake!
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Something beggining with the letter 'C' will fall on you from a 2nd floor window. If you're lucky it will be a cotton pillow. More likely, it will be a cleaver. You're fucked I'm afraid.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Nothing will happen to you this week. Well, sorry. Maybe if you stopped lying on your bed eating Frosties out of a bucket something might actually happen to you for once.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will meet a man from Nantucket. Yes, the rumours about him are true.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will learn to play the guitar like Santana, talk like Sean Connery, sing like Billy Ocean and tell a joke like Bill Bailey. Congratulations, you have won at horoscopes!
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You will find God. He is under the fridge with all the other unnecessary fluff.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - A strange man with the letter A in his name will approach you and try to sell you a teddy bear that has been chewed by a dog. Don't buy it. The bear has siphylis. If you're going to get syphilis you may as well do it the normal, fun way. By the way, you should also learn how to spell syphullis.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Punch anyone who says 'like' more than five times in a sentence. They have it coming.

[edit] Week 4/6/09

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries are fun-loving, outgoing pieces of shit. Your feelings of inadequacy are not as strong as they should be. You need to start feeling more inadequate, so hang around other people this year. It doesn't matter who - anyone at all will be better than you at everything. Being such a wretched low-life, you will never feel as inadequate as you really are, but you should at least strive to. Also, stop bothering to clean your fingernails. It doesn't help and it's just a waste of time.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Jupiter and Mars are going to solicit your assistance this week in their hazing prank against Mercury. If you choose to participate, bring a change of clothes. Someone may be tipping Mercury off, and a counter-plan may be in the works. You didn't hear it from me.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, put a large, round object of unknown material and origin in your pipe and smoke it.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - An ugly, scary lady with large yellow eyes is going to walk up to you this week and ask to speak to you. Do not be afraid of her - she is only there to devour your soul, which you aren't even using anyway.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Simply spew back what your instructors are spoon-feeding you this week - they don't want to hear your keen insights, they only want to know if you absorbed all of their incessant blathering. If you are not a student, do this with your wife.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Sit at your desk lugubriously this week, staring blankly at your computer monitor, mourning your sad, pitiful existence. Then on Saturday take the attractive new brunette in accounting up to lover's cliff and push her over, laughing horrifically.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This is it! Make that Oscar-winning animated short this week, using the funds we told you to steal from work last week. Wait. No, we forgot to tell you to do that last week. Damn. There goes your film career. Oh, well. Back to the grindstone, I guess.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - No, in fact, unfortunately there is no metaphorical meaning to "tear you limb from limb", certainly not for Big Joe. We suggest you leave town, and fast.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your perfect ice sculptor this week is a Capricorn. If you don't happen to need an ice sculptor this week, then sucks for you. Remember, luck can be defined as opportunity meeting preparedness, so make sure you'll need an ice sculptor this week next year.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your lucky M*A*S*H catch phrases this week are "Live, damn it!" and... oh, wait. That's the only M*A*S*H catch phrase. Well, add another one from some other TV wartime medical dramedy, if you like, and use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Even if eyebrows are overrated, not wearing hubcaps on your head is not. So take them off and put down the razor. You're so odd.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will be livid when they take away your television. You will be outraged when they take away your radio. You will be incensed when they take away your computer. Then, to top it all off, you will be... uh... really angry when they take away your thesaurus.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Live your life this week as if every moment were your last. To effectively simulate this condition, wedge a thick, poorly chewed piece of chicken cacciatore into your esophagus and leave it there all week.

[edit] Week 3/30/09

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries are fun-loving, outgoing and dead. The Dire Straits' lead man Mark Knopfler is the one who murdered you last week with slow-acting poison. There is no antedote, but before you croak you can probably find his publicist, get in touch with his lawyer and work out an out-of-court settlement. He isn't really rich, but I'm sure you can get enough out of him to ensure your family's future stability after you're gone. Don't bother pressing charges. He's a sneaky Dire Strait, and I doubt he left any physical evidence that would establish his guilt beyond reasonable doubt. Remember, though - the burden of proof is lighter for civil action. Plus, you can write a book real quick.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Those so-called "friends" imploring you to come off the ledge and talk to them don't have your best interest at heart. Be open to the suggestions of the stangers below calling "jump!" - they may just have exactly what you need.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - The darkness finally overcomes you this week. It has been a long, valiant struggle to resist it, and for that you should be proud of yourself. Alas, it ends this week, and you lose. But, again, really, nice try.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week is poop. You may not think "poop" is a funny word now, but if you had read this when you were in third grade, you'd be rolling.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Go back to last week, before you finished the time machine, and kill yourself. That's the only way you can prevent what happened next week.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - If a chainsaw is what you really want, then by all means, don't let us interfere with your happiness. But at the same time, don't say we didn't warn you.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The impending Zombie invasion is nothing for you to worry about. Remember, they eat brains. You are safe.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your lucky TV courtroom drama catch phrases this week are "Move to strike!" and "Sidebar, your honor!" Use them interchangeably for maximum results.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The good news is, two girls will be coming over this weekend for some fun. The bad news is they're bringing one cup.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The secret to your happiness is dwingbazzle pizot vomer. You should understand that - it is in secret Sagittarius language so no stinky Scorpios can read it and have happiness too.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, but drug money beats them all. Keep a wad of those powder-caked Benjamins at the ready, because here comes Scott with his incessant fist-bobbing.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your alien abductors will annoy you this week when they describe your beloved planet as "a bit dusty, all in all". But try not to get too upset, because they have ray guns.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Here's the big reveal: You are the only person that really exists. Everything else is an illusion implanted in your head by all-powerful aliens from Ztworq. You can communicate with them by eating the foam from your mattress. The Ztworqans have important instructions for you, so start munching.

[edit] Week 3/23/09

Your birthday this week: Aries! Aries are fun-loving, outgoing and destined for failure. Pisces' influence on your atman has your chi stuck deep in your kundalini. Make sure you finally stop sucking this year, because the stars say it's your last chance before the tantric shit starts hitting the fan! You can't live forever on borrowed chakra, after all.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - No one will be impressed this week when your predictions that your baby will be born anencephalic prove tragically correct - it was, after all, a no-brainer.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will constantly get in the slow lane at the Supermarket. Changing to another lane won't help, either, as the slow lane speed will shift with you. You will also have trouble opening the new plastic fruit bags. And the cart you will try to pull will get stuck to the cart in front of it in the stack. And your three-year-old will scream bloody murder the entire time. Do I need to go on?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week everything will work out for you like it never has - the coffee will be hot and the pistachios will be spicy. It will be so wonderful that the positive herpes test results on Friday won't seem so bad, all in all.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Jupiter and Mars are conspiring against you this week, and they may be bringing their friends along. Stay indoors all week, and for the love of god, if any planets come knocking, don't open the door!

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Savor with simple glee all of the good things life has to offer this week - the golden rays of sunshine, the delightful tunes of the morning bird's songs, and the melodious crash and tinkle sounds of the windshield against your nasal bone.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The economy is in shambles, but it's nothing compared to your love life. Don't expect any stimulus package this week, either.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from the Taurus in accounting this week - he has a hidden upskirt camera on his shoe.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - God may not be mocked, but the stars don't care. So go ahead and mock astrology all you want. Rest assured, nothing bad will happen to you.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is a good week to slack off at work. Browse the internet all day, write a few satirical encyclopedia articles. Procrastinate. Which is to say it's a lousy week to change your behavior and start being productive.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are a person who lives by your convictions. This week, however, you will regret this when your convictions on all counts result in multiple consecutive terms of twenty years to life.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This is the week for you to start on that diet. Jupiter is aligned with your giant ass.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Mercury is rising in your house, so you enter into exotic pet ownership at your own peril. Mercury is notorious for unprovoked attacks on perceived territorial threats.

[edit] Week 3/16/09

Your birthday this week: Pisces! Pisces are fun-loving, outgoing emos. This week is a special week because this is when you stop having birthdays and Aries starts taking over. How does this make this week's Pisces special? They become emo! Enjoy this week for its putrid weather, stinky flora and indifferent people. This is your last week alive.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Spend more time with your wife and less time with your mother. Unless they happen to be the same person. If that's the case, spend more time with your sister. Unless...
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You are in a foul mood right now, but it sure beats being in a calm one. You can plead not guilty by reason of insanity that way.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Choose your friends wisely as one of them may want to eat you. You heard me right... eat you! Maybe I should have said "choose your vacation spots wisely" last week.
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Now's the best time to buy yourself a new home, maybe one with a roof or something.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Don't look now, but you have a stalker on your heels. But it's okay, since this stalker will soon be disgusted by everything about you. It's a gift, my Cancerian!
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Thinking about cheating on your mate? Think again... Actually, it's a pretty good idea, isn't it? You go for it!
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There is always more than one answer to a puzzle. Except in jigsaw, there's really only one answer for that.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - One man's trash is another man's treasure. Except if it's a nagging wife, that's usually just trash.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. Except if you're leaping the Grand Canyon, you'll probably only get one shot at that.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It's easy to just give up, but you shouldn't! Just keep persisting, and eventually, you'll get to become a level 5 sorceress!
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Spend less time with your sister and more time with your brother. Unless...
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Nothing interesting happens to you.