Thomas Bayes

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Charlie Brown — A little love.jpg Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg This article needs love Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg
This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love.
Please give some love by rewriting it.

Thomas 'The Fist' Bayes

Thomas Bayes (known by his friends as Naive Bayes) was a lover of strange meats from unidentifiable origins and animals. He would frequently walk around muttering to himself "I want some gelatinous and unidentifiable in origin meat!"

This is why one of the most powerful methods of filtering spam is called a Bayesian filter, because these types of filters eat lots and lots of email spam.

In 1719 Thomas enrolled at the University of Edinburgh to find the ultimate fighting champion and to study Logic. His desire to punish those close to him with his fists was insatiable and he would invariably use this method to demonstrate his ideas about stuff that was logical.

During the sweaty summer months of the 1840's, Bayes would strut from brothel to brothel chomping on illegal poultry and swearing at local children (who idolised him). This would nearly always be followed by heavy bouts of prayer and mathematics.

Thomas, (known by his friends as 'The Fist'), would take frequent baths, just because he could. His penchant for lukewarm water gave him unparalleled joy rivalled only by his love for his mother (a deaf mute), Hethaga William Bayes who would later become modern popular singer Gloria Estefan

Thomas Bayes the Mathematician[edit]

As a philosopher and well known level 54 Necromancer, Thomas Bayes (known by many as Thomas 'Fatty' Bayes) also initiated himself into the Black Arts of Mathematics. On February 31th 1864, Bayes, from his luxurious bath, wrote to Isaac Newton:

"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?"

To which Newton gave the stylish proof:

  • Yo mama so fat (1)
  • Yo papa so full of shit (2)
  • You fuckin' with the wrong nigga you fat sack of crap!
  • Completeness and transitivity are discussed supra. The Archimedean property says that for simple lotteries L_1 \geq L_2 \geq L_3, then there exists a 0 \leq p \leq 1 such that the agent is indifferent between L2 and the compound lottery mixing between L1 and L3 with probability p and 1 − p, respectively.
  • Yo mama so fat

It was later revealed by one Jimmy Page. That Newton and Bayes had been collecting their semen in milk bottles and compressing it in order to make suits for the homeless. Many of whom were heavily armed.


Bayes was a keen gymnast and would often be seen vaulting corpses in the sidestreets of west London. This, unfortunately, would be his downfall. In the early hours of tuesday morning August 26st, 1829, Bayes was vaulting an old friend who had died of liver malfunction a week earlier. When the pole snapped plummeting Bayes to the ground and knocking him unconscious. Due to unbelievable misfortune, Raymond the corpse collector had collected Bayes and his friend, carted them away and buried them both within four minutes of this happening.

Rumour had it that Bayes was seen wandering around as a zombie months after the incident but that was clearly bollocks.