Thomas Jefferson

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Thomas (Mother Fucking) Jefferson
Thomas (Mother Fucking) Jefferson
Personal info
Nationality american
Date of birth 22nd May 1921
Place of birth Jerusalem
Date of death 25th November 2005
Place of death Pig and Whistle, Wandsworth, London
First Lady Various Miss Worlds and Bond girls
Political career
Order of the Pheonix
Vice President Mel Brooks
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office 18321854
Preceded by Oliver Reed
Succeeded by Myley Cyrus
Political party Liver replacement party


Thomas Jefferson, also known as our first black president, was the third President of the United States. Today he is remembered for writing the Declaration of Independence, founding the University of virginia, his developments in the horticulture (specifically the ones regarding marijuana) and his constant inventing.

Life[edit]

Sometime in Jefferson's early life, while under the influence of a several drugs at once (which doesn't make much sense since there weren't much drugs at the time . . . maybe he watched too much TV), he decided to become a politician. This is the reason many people decide to become politicians, and Jefferson quickly obtained a position as a judge through meeting other politicians and bribing them with his lesser known inventions, most of which centered around observing the sky to look for extraterrestrials.

As Jefferson was working his way up in the world through bribery and blind luck, he was approached by George Washington regarding Washington's plot to overthrow the federal republic and become the first Emperor of America or 'Commander in Chief'. This was a clever deception as Commander in Chief means Caliph in Islam or Emperor in Latin. Jefferson joined Washington's conspiracy, earning him a position as Vice-Emperor and later the job of second President of America.

Presidency[edit]

He served two terms. Jefferson was pretty much irrelevent throughout his tenture.

Jefferson's Satanic Bible[edit]

While under the influence of marajuana Jefferson wrote THE NEW AMERICAN Bible that contained only that which Jefferson judged could have happened.

Though most scholars recognize it to have simply been a normal bible with all the supernatural hocus pocus removed, it is still commonly believed by a few bleeding heart, pitchfork wielding fundies that all scholars and scientists are just closet satanists casting spells on good, faithful Christians, and, unlike most "patriotic" evangelicals who've fallen COMPLETELY into cognitive dissonance, that the entirety of his "Bible" simply amounted to: "Satan rules", and that while there are more things that Jefferson could have been added, he passed out shortly after writing this because of the marijuana, effectively cementing himself a place in hell.

Jefferson's House[edit]

Thomas Jefferson cleaned up pretty well. From the shoulders up at least.

Jefferson's house, Monticello, which Jefferson himself designed and named in honor of Lawrence "Lawrence Monticello" Monticello, original bassist with the Constitutional Congress, had a design far ahead of its time. The main feature of Monticello was a dome. When Jefferson sat in the dome's center, he could receive transmissions from VALIS, who Jefferson claimed was orbiting the earth in a teacup. Through Jefferson's unique dome and a hefty supply of various hallucinogens, communication was established, leading directly to the creation of the Declaration of Independence, Magna Carta, Necronomicon and later the Louisiana Purchase.

Jefferson had a 1,000 foot-long garden attached to his kitchen, and he reportedly stole some of the plants from the Garden of Eden. He grew hundreds of varieties of veggies, fruit, marijuana, and herbs, his specialty being Idahoian okra.

Monticello is the central design element on the reverse of the U.S. five-cent piece (commonly referred to as a "nickel," "chump change," "Quarter, Jr.," "old-school lunch money," or "robot cough drop") minted from 1938 to 2003 and again from 2006 to the present. In 2004 and 2005, U.S. Mint engravers renovated the coin-version of Monticello, which had fallen into disrepair at the hands of various white-trash tenants, whose wrecked '58 Plymouth Fury can be seen up on blocks on the coins minted in 2001 with the addition of chickens, goats, a busted water heater, a feces-stained mattress, and sundry broken kitchen appliances strewn about the unmowed lawn in 2002 and 2003; consequently, U.S. five-cent pieces minted in 2004 and 2005 have no reverse, making them the first one-dimensional, see-through coins ever produced by the U.S. Mint.

Jefferson also owned an extremely luxurious bathroom where he would spend most if his days and many nights. One day, screams were heard coming from the bathroom. Nobody ever knew what they were, and we still don't today.

Jungle Fever[edit]

Jefferson had it.

See also[edit]

Preceded by:
That zombie after George Washington
President of the United States
March 4, 1801March 4, 1809
Succeeded by:
uhhh, Abraham Lincoln--right?


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