Thomas Mann

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Thomas Mann (June 6th, 1875-August 12th, 1955) was a man. His stories were very intellectual, and psychological. So kind of like Freud on one of his better days, although unlike Freud, Mann was gay, and so Freud would have called him psychologically abnormal. He was gay despite having six children to one woman alone. He was also gay in spite of the fact that he wrote about the Superman of Nietzsche, and did manly things like escape the Nazi's just in time. Still, he was gay.

Life and Death and Re-birth[edit]

Thomas Mann was born in the Ice fields of the frozen Baltic Sea. For most of his life, Thomas had a passion for ice cream. This gave him the necessary coolness for his first meeting with Adolf Hitler, who at the time, was still painting. Thomas Mann bought a hand-painted postcard from Adolf and used it as title picture for "Confessions of Felix Krull", his novel about a close relative of Karl Ranseier. Thomas and Adolf worked together that way, but only when Thomas visited Vienna. After WWI they didn't meet there any more. Adolf's path to power brought new encounters of the two men. Adolf had to give political speeches. Thomas was a victim of his speeches on cultural topics. Since Adolf used to bark his speeches Thomas felt like bitten by a dog and fell into coma after Adolf's opening speech for the Reichskulturkammer. He dreamt that James Joyce must have killed him. His Jewish wife organized their escape from Germany. In exile he woke up from coma and felt like reborn. This was his first rebirth. After WWII he returned to Germany. He gave up his passion for ice cream and preferred strawberries instead. In 1955 he died from eating bad stawberries when he visited Venice.

After his death the people sought a new hero and vowed to bring him back into the world, so in the year of 1991 Samuel L Jackson and a team of mad scientists carved his muscular features from a block of kryptonite, his brain was then inserted into the frame, but that Dr. Frankenstein method failed to revive him.

A note on his books[edit]

Critics believe that every single word in Buddenbrooks consists of intricate symbols that the average human cannot understand. Thomas Mann's technique of modern symbolism would be at the forefront of modern literature, had James Joyce not worried him in coma dreams. Some of his books consist of just one sentence. With "Death in Venice" he predicted his own end.


In 2003, Thomas Mann was reborn in an experiment in the USG. He now lives out his new life, trying to write his next novel, titled Amish Paintings. His last known whereabouts are somewhere in the New England territories, under disguise as an illegal Mexican immigrant by the name of José José. It is widely believed that he has become a lesbian since his rebirth.


  • After reading Buddenbrooks, God named the superior sex after him.
  • Both Christopher Marlowe and Goethe traveled forward in time (see: time travel) in order to rip off Doctor Faustus, hoping no one would notice. Schoenberg modeled his life after the main character.
  • Mann created the iceberg which was to sink his nemesis: The Titanic. (Die Zauburg)
  • Six Flags modeled the Magic Mountain theme park on Mann's ancestral estate.
  • The English named an island after him.
  • Invented the teenie-weenie to compensate for phallic shortcomings.
  • Nailed chicks all the time.