Thomas Pain

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Paine on a nightout with the lads.
Note: Pain's name is often Francified to "Paine" because in French, "pain" is a concept synonymous with "bread". It's some kind of Bohemian thing.

Thomas Pain (1737 in Great Britain1809 in New York City), known by many as simply "T-Pain" , was a revolutionary masochist and rapper of Colonial America. Straight outta Thetford, T-Pain was a straight-up thug who didn't take shit from nobody. Represent.

He came over to the colonies on A Boat.

Until age ten, he made money torturing himself in a freakshow purpely on the basis of his name. Following his retirement, he worked as an official for the IRS, where he quickly became resentful of the government because his boss was a real asshole.

The war[edit]

Pain's "Common Sense" contributed to further advances in mathematics.

During the American Revolution, he wrote his pamphlet, Common Sense, stating that war "America is a country!!! We're not going to take no crap from those British scumbags!!! Now let's get out there and kill those mothafukkas!!!"

During the war, Paine fought in one particularly bloody battle in which he killed Alexander the Great.[1] He wrote thirteen volumes in a series known as The American Crisis in which he argued that Quakers and Tories were "pussies" who "run away from a fight".

Later life and death[edit]

Pain gained notoriety later in life with his blog The Age of Raisins, a scathing indictment of the Quaker Oats. The publication earned him vilification from the breakfast cereal industry, but Pain ultimately triumphed, as boycotts of the company eventually resulted in Quaker's capitulation, and their compliance with the "Two Scoops" petition made by Pain's vast readership.

Pain founded the religion Emo. He posted its religious texts on Xanga. This made him unpopular with the Church, and they tried beating him, but he enjoyed it, so they let him live. They deciede to confiscate his sharp objects since he said his life was misery without pain. However his worst enemy was one he trusted, and that's what killled him. He was a lover of the Burger King but due to his opposition of absolute monarchy, the King killed him with an overdose of morphine.

He then shortened his name to T-Pain and began writing rap music. After succgeeding in the music industry, he met and married fellow musician J'Lo

“T-Pain? We in the bed like ooo! ooo ohh!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Thomas Pain

See also[edit]