The Three Little Pigs

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Three Little Pigs.

Once Upon a Time, there were Three Little Pigs by the names of Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran. In the same world there lived a terrible, powerful Wolf (W for short). W wished to eat the three pigs, because they were ruining his skyscrapers, his unusual geometric architecture, and his oil supply, not to mention his telephone polls. He had hoped they might simply eat each other due to various conflicts such as the Pig War, but unfortunately they had religious objections to eating pork. The pigs were afraid of - and despised - the wolf, so they built armies hoping to illustrate that W's threats were really only hot air.

The first little pig[edit]

Afghanistan built its military out of suicide bombs and improvised roadside devices. W was not afraid:

  • W: "Little Osama, Little Osama, let me in!"
  • Osama: "Not by the Muhammad-ordained hairs on my chinny-chin-chin."
  • W: "Then I'll bomb and I'll maelstrom and I'll blow your al-Qaeda network away."

So he bombed and he maelstromed and he blew al-Qaeda and its pal Taliban away, and Osama fled to Allahknowswhere.

The second little pig[edit]

W won the war in Iraq as soon as this happened.

Iraq built its military out of steel. W was undeterred, especially since he had identified this little pig as one of the "anthraxes of evil" (not to be confused with the "taxes of evil" plank of W's domestic policy). W claimed Iraq had more power in its military than steel, but after all, crying wolf was in his nature.

  • W: "Little Saddam, little Saddam, let me in! Or else!"
  • Saddam: "Not by the Muhammad-ordained hairs on my BALLY-BALLY BALL SACK. Your dad couldn't get in and neither will you!"
  • W: "Then I'll bomb and I'll maelstrom and I'll blow your Ba'ath Party away."

So he bombed and he maelstromed and he blew the Ba'ath Party and its Sunni friends away, and Saddam fled to a foxhole (at least temporarily).

The (you guessed it) third little pig[edit]

Iran saw how easily the Big Bad Wolf had blown the first two pigs away, and so built its military out of nukes. This was rather disconcerting to W, since he did not know if pigs had an appetite for wolf (things seem a little different when the shoe is on the other hoof). Nonetheless, W made an effort:

  • W: "Little Ayatollah, little Ayatollah, let me in! You're gonna get it!"
  • Ayatollah: "Not by the Muhammad-ordained hairs on my chinny-chin-chin. Or by my Allah-inspired WMDs assuring MAD, either!"
  • W: Then I'll bomb and I'll maelstrom and I'll kick your fundamentalist asses away!"
  • Ayatollah: "Make my day."

So W huffed and he puffed and he huffed and he puffed, and for that matter huffed and puffed! But he didn't dare bomb or maelstrom, and he didn't kick any fundamentalist ass, either. He kind of just whimpered away.


Sorry, W, these kinds of things just don't do the trick any more.

And all the pigs with Muhammad-ordained chinny-chin-chin hairs, and even some cows and horses, too - they all saw how the third little pig's nukes has spared his home; and soon these wise animals all built their militaries out of nukes, because they knew it would protect them from the Big Bad Wolf. There were arguments and threats of sanctions and diplomatic rows and United Animals diplomats, but none of these could convince the pigs and other animals to use steel or improvised roadside devices ever again. And if you think that's immoral, just think how it all began: with a lot of huffing and puffing from a very big, very bad W.

One day, it might even lead to The End.

See also[edit]