Unabomber

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The Unabomber (not to be confused with The Eunicbomber), real name Weird Al Yankovic, is an American patriot who fought against the evil Segway Corporation in its almost eighteen-year-long campaign of looking ridiculous, killing three and wounding 29. He was the target of the FBI's most expensive manhunt ever.

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Before his identity was known, the FBI referred to him as the UNABOM (from "UNIcyclist ABOMination"), due to his love of unicycles and abominations. Variants of the codename appeared when the media started using the codename, including Unabomer, Unabomber, and Unibomber. This gave rise to the Urban Legend that he only used one bomb, carefully re-assembling the detonated fragments back together so the bomb could be used again. In reality, he used two bombs, alternating between them.

Early life, education and career[edit]

The Unabomber was born in a traveling show, where his mother would dance for the money which they would throw towards her as a token of polite esteem for her magnificent nude uni-cycling. His father's was a Cylcomania! model B with the chrome addition and phat tyres. His father's was repossessed after his mother suffered an outbreak of acne.

A freak accident in his teens while practicing uni-cycling deformed his testicles, ensuring that he could not bear to leave the unicycle for more than five minutes. As a teenage boy, he found this to be little hinderence. This coupled with the fact that he was savagely attacked by his VCR turned him against all technology.

With such a background, it was inevitable that he would become a unicyle salesman. After gaining an illustrious degree from Clown College of Michigan, he spotted an untapped market in rural unicyclists. Setting up a discreet shop in a busy urban district, he quickly gained a reputation as a brilliant person to buy unicycles from, or to discuss testicular deformities with. His shop quickly became a vibrant salon, filled with all the important people of the times discussing the latest news in unicycling and its importance in world affairs.

The Segway Corporation[edit]

The Segway corporation, devoted to evil, decided to stop him by revolutionising our cities. Targeting the exclusive customer base of people who like travelling slowly while looking like a retard, they aggressively marketed the Segway to the overly-cashed. Soon the happy harmony of rural life was destroyed. People who used to unicycle the three miles to the shop in only six hours now died of exposure as the battery left them stranded, thousands of inches from their destination. Birth-rates soared as testicular crush related injuries declined. Starving children were soon being handed out, three for a dollar, perfect for converting to Segway fuel.

The Solution[edit]

Only one man stood between the world and blissfully painless genitalia. Using the daring tools of bombs, excess facial hair and extremely long livejournal posts about his cats, the Unabomber beat the Segway corporation, exposing them for the evil Crypto-Nazi scum that they really are. His campaign saved the world from looking like a dork.

Mr Unabomber, we salute you!

See also[edit]