Tim Westwood

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tim Westwood.

Tim Westwood (born Timothy Gideon Henry [explosion sound effect] Westingwood-Smythe II on 3rd October 1547) is a legendary DJ, TV presenter, clown and full time African-American impersonator. He hosts his own radio show on BBC Radio 1, in which he delivers heavy hit after heavy hit after heavy hit to his own credibility with each passing minute. Aside from his radio show he also presents MTV's Pimp My Ride in the UK, and a new Channel 4 series called The Big Dog, which takes a look at abnormally large dogs.

WE'RE GOING IN HARD BABY With Some Background Info![edit]

Despite being born through an anus and educated at McDonalds, Tim speaks as if he belongs to a crack-dealing street gang from the south side of New York. Tim's father Bill, a Catholic priest, has put Tim's behaviour down to Satan switching Tim's soul with that of a black south-side ghetto boy some time in the 1980's, and vice-versa. This means that somewhere in the world there is a black south-side ghetto boy who acts like the angelic, slightly poofy son of a Catholic priest. He has yet to be found, if he is still alive.

Shortly after acquiring his new accent Tim moved to London and began a 5-year free-style busking marathon outside Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street. Senior BBC producer Andy Parfait, whilst shopping at Virgin for Enya box-sets, spotted Tim's enormous potential and hired him on the spot out of pity. Andy had been intending to take Westwood to the filming department for a documentary called Freaks on the Street, but, since Westwood was drunk at the time, he got lost at the BBC centre and stumbled into Radio 1's broadcasting studios instead. The rest is history.

Oh man, it's the big dog!!

In 2002, the RAF attempted to enlist Westwood to help in the Afghan war. Senior RAF personnel had expressed the desire to strap Westwood to the underside of a jet so he could "drop the bomb" on Taliban positions with lethal accuracy. However, Westwood declined saying "that's not the way we get it in" and hoped that in the future, the RAF would "keep it real". Sources[1] say that real reason behind Westwoods reluctancy in joining the war against the Taliban was that Westwood has substantial investments in Afghanistan's burka-industry.

Westwood's Show On Radio 1, That's How We Get The Job Done![edit]

First time listeners to his radio show can be forgiven for thinking they have accidentally tuned into a Los Angeles underground hip-hop-club-DJs private after-party, such is the raw energy and "growling crunk flavas" that roar out of every minute of the Radio 1 Westwood Rap Show.

Tim keeps his audience entertained with made-up phrases spoken in a thick Brooklyn/Surrey accent, while special guests such as Eminem and Bob Hoskins clutter up the studio, shouting, swearing, free-styling and playing Boggle. Occasionally, the latest "fresh cuts" (records) are played along with a variety of sound-effects, including explosions, air-horns, malfunctioning merry-go-rounds and bleating goats.

Speaking Like The Big Dog![edit]

Westwood is famous for developing his own extensions to the English language. The following are regularly bellowed by Tim during his radio show, often accompanied by explosion sound effects and sometimes straight into the face of his own guests.

Westwood gives the order to drop the bomb.
  • Drop The Bomb!
  • Very Big Things!
  • Read A Good Book!
  • It's The Big Dog!
  • Actually, Mummy, do you think you could open the Cristal? Jay-Z is coming round for tiffin, beeeeyyyatch.
  • Exactamundo!
  • Banging In Your Grill!
  • Absolutely T for Tremendous!
  • Quite Right Too!
  • Go Hard Brother Number One!
  • Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmn!
  • This Is How We Do It!
  • Up In The Building, Down In The Building, Side-To-Side In The Building!
  • Wrap It Up Before You Slap It Up!
  • This Isn't Strictly Come Dancing!
  • Snap Crackle Pop!
  • Damn I Love This Joint!
  • You Know How We Do-Do-Do Ba-Da-Da-Da!
  • Findus Crispy Pancakes!
  • That Car Is Mad, Small!
  • Bow Down And Kiss The Ring!
  • Your Car Game Is Weak!
  • Bang In Yo Face

Drop The Trivia Bomb![edit]

Westwood and a pair of bitch ass ghetto hoes from the tough streets of Chorley.
  • Tim was awarded Mofo Magazine's prestigious "Most Grills Banged All Up In" Award both in 2003 and 2006.
  • In July 1999 Westwood was treated in hospital in for eight paintball gun splats to the head and testicles, after a drive-by shooting which he reguarly insists was lethal in terms of skin cell damage.
  • He is well known for his line of shampoos and conditioners released under the Pantene brand name made of 99.9% pimp juice extract.
  • In his early 20's Tim was diagnosed with a sub-type of Tourette's Syndrome which causes him to randomly shout out meaningless words and phrases mid-sentence. He has so far been unable to find a cure for this.
  • On this day in 1806, Westwood was roundly pwned by KRS-1 on his Radio 1 rap show. Westwood's advocacy of Berkeleyan solipsism was anathema to KRS-1, who believed in "keeping it real". KRS-1 did a wee on Tim Westwood's arm, and then left the studio cackling maniacally.
  • He has an unspecified number of big pet dogs, apparently named after prolific artists of the hip hop scene, which he regularly gives shout-outs to in his show.
  • Although he broadcasts on Radio 1, his studio is in fact located in a bunker in the middle of a battlefield in Afghanistan, hence the constant explosions that can be heard in the background.
  • It is believed that Dolly Parton's song Son of a Preacher Man is actually about her secret affair with Westwood.
  • He spends most of his evenings and weekends lying in a pool of pimp juice, and this is before he even goes out!
  • It is a true fact that Westwood phones home three minutes before arriving so his family can play his introduction track, so when he walks into the house he enters to a crude explosion and the sound of Westwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooood in da house.
  • He is currently Professor of African-American impersonations at Balliol College, Oxford.
  • Apartheid in South Africa was defeated partly on the grounds that no-one could decide which beach he should be allowed onto.

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