Time Team

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The logo for Time Team, the show for cider drinking hippies and misfits with an interest in history

The Time Team (or Temp Grex for short) are a gang of thieves - or treasure looters - created by the United Kingdom's Channel Four in the late 20th century. Every second new moon, Channel Four sends the Time Team out for three consecutive nights, when the team are required to hunt for treasure to either fund Channel 4's other, poorly rating television programming or to financially support numerous racism accusations. The three-night sessions follow a very regular format:

Night 1[edit]

  • 7pm: drink bitter and lagers at the local pub, before proceeding to enjoy a $5 Parma and Pot.
  • 9pm: Howling at the invisible moon.
  • 10pm: The Archaeological Geophysicists do their black magic dressed in animal skins and the hair plucked from Phil's sideburns.
  • 10.15pm: The 'Yard of ale' competition.
  • 10.30pm: The geofizz results are given to the team leader, Rex Antoninus Robinsonius, former commander of the infamous Captain Slack Bladder.
  • 11pm: More howling at the invisible moon.
  • 11.30pm: A pint of Brasso that's been filtered through a slice of bread is enjoyed by all.
  • Midnight: Half-hour nap.
  • 12:30am: Morning Smoke-O No. 1.
  • 1am: Crop circle making until 5am.
  • 5am: Sleep off hangover in the local stomach pumping ward.

Night 2[edit]

  • 7pm: Kidnap children from their beds.
  • 8pm: Force kidnapped children into digging pits in areas targeted by the 'geofizz' results.
  • 8.30am: Celebrate with a yard of meths.
  • 5am: Make money angels in the recovered archaeological loot.
  • 5:30am: Return kidnapped children to their homes, scared but otherwise unharmed.
  • 6am: Pagan Roman religious sacrifice of one tenth of the recovered loot.

Night 3[edit]

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  • 6.30pm: Wake up and have Xtra Strong lager and cornflakes.
  • 7pm: Clean all loot.
  • 8pm: Write reports on what they found.
  • 10pm: That evil guy from Antiques Roadshow estimates the values of the recovered loot.
  • 10.15pm: Search and resulting disembowelment of evil guy from Antiques Roadshow after attempted robbery.
  • Midnight: Liasing with public; kidnapping a crazy man with a camera and implant weird memories of aliens into the man's brain, creating yet another UFO conspiracy theorist for us all to laugh at (god bless the Time Team).
  • 2am: Releasing the kidnapped man back into the wild.
  • 4am: Arrive with recovered loot in London, England, where they sell the loot to the Queen of the United Kingdom through English Heritage.
  • 5am: Return to Channel 4 headquarters, where the team gives the cash to Channel 4 executives.
  • 7am: Celebrate with a drink Phil's 'Megadeth' illegal hooch.