Tinky Winky

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Tinky Winky posing with his crew, The Teletubbies

“Say hello, Teletubbies”

~ Narrator on Tinky's crew

“Purple furry bastard! I'd chib him!”

~ Laa-Laa on Tinky Winky

“TINKY WINKY TOUCHED ME!!!”

~ Little Boy on Gay Rape

“Tinky Winky is my idol”

~ MJ on Showing Love

“In soviet Russia, Tinky Winky is YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Tinky Winky

“Tinky Winky inspires people!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Teletubbies

“HAVE YOU SEEN TINKY WINKY?!”

~ Kevin Shannon, Irish Movie Critic on Tinky Winky

“I'd hit him!”

~ Dipsy on Tinky Winky

“Tinky Winky is so gay”

~ Captain Obvious on Teletubbies

“Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, bite my butt!”

~ Talking Po doll on Tinky Winky

“Tinky Winky is a talent! (丁丁是個人才!)”

~ Hui SI-MA on Tinky Winky

“Why the fuck has he got a coat hanger on his head!!!”

~ Everyone who wonders why the Teletubbies have shapes on their heads

“I could use his guts to grease my tank treads!”

~ General George S Patton on Tinky Winky

Tinky Winky (birth name Buck Futter) is an evil, weird, deadly, purple alien thing from Knoxville, Tennessee. He is a super gay Teletubby and the leader of the previously mentined terroist group. How is he gay? He is purple, dances in tu-tu, carries a female purse, and has an antenna shaped like an ear-lovin' TRIANGLE! How's THAT for gay? He was born in 1899 when a scientist fused a grape and a human together for no reason. He then got angry and grew a weird antennae. Then, he found followers, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po. They form the merciless terrorist group bent on destroying Homer Simpson known as the Teletubbies. He is currently Mario's 33rd worst foe. And why? It's because this purple freak stole pickles dipped in Green Cheese from him. Apparently, it turned out he didn't steal those, but Luigi covered in melted Cheese. Mario still hates Tinky Winky anyway. He organises all the group's weekly attacks, hates kids because once a three year old destroyed his things, and he hates Homer Simpson because he's well ummm..... just plain stupid. Contrary to all of this hate, Tinky Winky loves Adam. Tinky Winky's lovers include Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po, Afroman, Britney Spears, Elmo, Bob the Builder, Justin Timberlake, Steve Irwin, Walt Disney, Smokey the Bear, Spongebob Squarepants, Peter Griffin, and Bill Clinton.

Early years

Mr. Winky at a recent photo shoot

Tinky Winky was born in 350 BC. He was named after his very small penis. He was at one point the fearsome god of the darwen people who built the Roonshore Temple now known as Runshaw College in his honour. He was greatly feared and worshipped and had several temples built in his honour. Gradually, however, his power dwindled and in 1969, Tinky Winky was forced to incarnate into the body of a purple homosexual creature to ensure his continued existence. People celebrated on the street and a hope was formed for all pre-educated homosexual children. Tinky Winky was 14 years old when he first got a job, after being expelled from several schools because he made constant advances on the purple dinosaur sitting in front of him. At the age of 21, Tinky became a well-known lawer in Fulham, Slough and Prudhoe. But after losing his husband, Dipsy, he reverted to alcohol and soon enough got sacked. After picking himself up, Mr. Winky cleaned up his act and reclaimed his friendship with Dipsy. That friendship would later turn to a lot more, thus making Laa-Laa and Po. At the age of 35, Tinky Winky and his crew/family were offered a contract to perform on the TV show Teletubbies.

Era of the Teletubbies

Tinky Winky as a teenager with his ex-boyfriend

On November 37, 1997 (coincidently the day after Freddie Mercury's death), the show Teletubbies aired. They were worshipped all over the world. The concept of the show was pretty basic. A demented child posing as the sun. A overactive male sex-toy named Noo-noo (who later went on to star as the lead character in CSI: Baghdad). From time to time, the show would proceed without Tinky Winky, because he reverted, again, to alcohol. Arguments started within the family and then Tinky Winky, Noo-Noo and Laa-Laa's ball went missing. A video transmission hosted on juicy-teenies.com revealed that due to Tinky Winky's alchohol problem, he had ran off to Paraguay with Noo-Noo and Laa-Laa's ball. He had killed Noo-Noo and was threatening to pop Laa-Laa's ball with his antler unless the show was cancelled. This, along with Po repeatedly violating the Tubby Custard machine on-air, sparked numerous violent protests from the Fathers Against Rude Television (F.A.R.T.) group. The matter was eventually settled, with 3 million pounds of Tubby Toast being paid out. The next year, when Teletubbies returned to the air, Tinky Winky received a magic crown and played God until the crown flew away. This caused the theologians of the day to shut down the show with their mighty conservative powers. The show was abrubtly cancelled, leaving millions of teenage chavs without any education.

A Teletubbies film was made, but it was banned by the Board of Film Censors for explicit scenes. It is rumoured that much of the film explored Tinky Winky's homosexuality, and that Noo-Noo attempted suicide during production, and later threatened to sue the film producers for "scarring his personal life for ever".

After Tinky Winky's argument and a divource with Laa-Laa, tinky went into a Solo Career. His First Single "Turkey Slap Your Grandma", (which contained several sublimital messages all resulting in the title),charted badly on the American Billboard 200 chart, despite many children had brought it. After this, it was rumoured Tinky Winky attempted Suicide, but failed to make a Noose strong enough to hold his 250kg body.

Controversies

Because of Tinky Winky's role on the toddler show Teletubbies, he has started a controversy because of his gay purse. Although he was first "outed" by the academic and cultural critic Andy Medhurst in a letter of July 1997 to The Face, he aroused the interest of Jerry Falwell in 1997 when Falwell alleged that the character is a "gay role model". He reached a revelation in 2002, when the late Jerry Falwell said "This jerk is trying to brainwash our kids into accepting the gay lifestyle!! He's gonna turn all of America's toddlers into little FLAMERS!! This little creep is responsible for all of the faults the planet is witnessing today." Tinky Winky found these comments "very hurtful", reportedly crying for a full seven days before quitting the show. He was replaced by the new character named Butch, who wears a black leather outfit and walks around with a Playboy magazine in his pocket. "Now THIS is a decent, retarded character," said Mr. Falwell on the new Teletubby, "I have no complaints about HIM."

Meanwhile, Tinky Winky moved to San Francisco, where he opened up a gay bar and publicly came out of the closet. Shortly afterwards, he eloped with Barney, and the two began a tour of the United States, also attending that year's gay pride parade. This year, Winky began showing up at conventions of the Democratic party, and was one of the most flamboyant partygoers at the official celebration on the day of Jerry Falwell's death.

In recent weeks, he made numerous speeches implying that he planned to run for president, including his final speech in which he said "GEORGE BUSH BIG JERK! GEORGE BUSH BIG JERK! TINKY WINKY WANT GIVE AMERICA BIG HUG!!!". This statement can be interpreted as a confirmation of Mr. Winky's plans to run for president. If so, he would be the first Teletubby to ever hold a public office, although he wouldn't be the first to run (Laa-Laa made an unsuccessful bid for governor of Florida in 2006). Polls before Mr. Winky's assassination showed that 30% of Americans preferred him over Hillary Clinton, and 45% preferred him over Big Bird, who is rumored to be running as an independent.

In an unrelated incident reported in 2000, a girl's Tinky Winky toy reportedly said "I got a gun". Kenn Viselman, then chairman of the Itsy Bitsy Entertainment Co., claimed the toy actually said "Again, again!", a catchphrase from the show. [1]This has also started controversies because it really DID say I gotta gun because Tinky Winky is GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![2].

Merchandise

Post-Teletubbies Winky involved himself in various odd-jobs, including:

  • Tinky Winky-faced Pencils
  • Teletubbies posters
  • Tinky Winky Handguns With Illegal Hollow-Tip Bullets
  • Staple guns
  • Personalised gun-holsters
  • Bobble heads for the Car
  • Purple Hot Cocoa - May Contain Chemicals Used for illegal narcotic manufacture
  • Talking Potty for Potty Training that tells you when you go by saying "You went in the potty! Well done!", and then says "Again! Again!"
  • Tinky Winky Toddler Canon Ball Machine (comes with canon balls).
  • Tinky Winky Knife collection (basically a kitchen knife set coloured in purple).
  • Tinky Winky Voodoo Doll
  • Tinky Winky Limited Edition Samarai Sword
  • Tinky Winky faced hair combs
  • Tinky Winky pubic hair trimmer

Tinky Winky as of early 2007 (before assassination)

After enduring plastic surgery to actually stop making him look like Barney and a frog's lovechild, Tinky Winky was formally working in a post-office in the town of Ovingham. He wrote plays and played golf in his spare time and was a voice-over for the depressing "Hello! Would you like a low cost loan from a company that actually treats you like an intelligent human being? Well, that rules out all of the adverts with talking electrical appliances and Carol Vorderman!" loan ads. You can write to his official fan base:

    Tinky Winky Fan Base
    437 Cillitbangus street
    DFiuefewfjistan
    Outer Slovakia
    W1NKY 367

Tinky Winky also decided to go into a Solo Music Career, with his first Album called "Touchy Touchy time", track listing:

  • 1. "Turkey Slap Your Grandma" (2:56) (failed to chart American 200 charts)
  • 2. "Let That Big Man Touch You" (2:02)
  • 3. "Fun to be Friends with Michael Jackson" (3:07)
  • 4. "Incest!! Incest!! Incest!!" (7:59)
  • 5. "All Night Long (Rape Theme Song)" (4:01)
  • 6. "Testicle Tuesday" (1:24)
  • 7. "Necrophilia" (2:45)
  • 8. "Sound of Sex" (10:56) (Sound recording to Tinky Winky Raping a Young Child)
  • 9. "Suck My Lollypop" (2:32)
  • 10. "Gang Bang Your Neighbor" (3:56)
  • 11. "Disco Stick" (5:00)

The album was badly criticized. It barely reached the American Top 200 charts. Yet a small range of children own a copy. It has been rumoured that Tinky Winky was doing a concert for his Album tour the night before he was assasinated.

Assassination

Tinky Winky as he was last seen before murder, fapping off to himself.

After Tinky Winky left the Teletubbies, he became a political activist and began seriously considering running for president as a Democrat. But his dreams were tragically cut short on May 22 2007, when he was gunned down by an unknown assailant on his way out of a women's underwear shop. The car that did the drive-by had a bumper sticker that said "I am not a gangster". It is believed that he was mistaken for cookie monster, the target of many gangs. Gangs have said that they can and will kill the cookie monster, because he "failed to pay for his cookies". The proprietor of the store took his soft, silky remains into her store and turned them into a fashionable bra. The remaining Teletubbies arranged for him to be buried in Teletubby land, under the strange, trippy thing that looks like a windmill. Many other theories, however, have emerged. As already stated, some claim the GOP Mafia had indeed hired the assailant. Some claim it was Conor Oberst finally doing something instead of sitting around mumbling about Starbuck's Coffee. Some claim it was the ghost of Adolf Hitler. However, the GOP Mafia has murdered every single theorist except the one about the gangs and the cookie monster. Dispite all theories,the correct theory is that Tinky Winky’s assassination was arranged by Barney the Dinosaur. This has been revealed and Barney killed Tinky Winky [3], with a bullet made of pickle. Before the time of Tinky's death, Barney was Tinky's lover.You'd think that they'd love each other, since that they're both purple and gay.Also, they both star in gay children's TV shows.Notably, Tinky Winky was to face a court appearance for allegated homosexual child molestation 3 weeks after he was killed by his father/gay lover, along with the rest of the Teletubbies. Tinky Winky responded to this by listening to MCR and having violent gay sex with Barney. It is thought that Barney is a necrophile, and this may be why he killed Tinky Winky. However, as he's so fuckin' retarded, he screwed up. Tinky Winky's grave site is no located in a cave with a boulder blocking the door. Visiting the grave site costs over 90 billion dollars and 2 cents.

Twin Brother

Tinky Winky had an identical twin brother. Born in 1901, he was an award-winning poet and magazine editor in Belgium in the mid twentieth century.

His works include "The Feast of Dark Saints", "My History" (a collection of literary essays), and "One More Turning" (an autobiography in verse). For many years (1923-1951) he was the editor of the literary magazine "The Divided World" (Le monde privié) (originally "Mourning Dove") in Antwerp, which published the early works of many outstanding writers, including Kurt Waldheim, Gunther Grass, and Melody Lenin.

He avoided his twin brother throughout most of his life, with the exception of the joint establishment, in 1947, of the Nobel War Prize.

He was married briefly to Alma Mahler, and had one child (Felicia Coomes) by her. He died in the Great Railway Collision in Berlin in 1958.

References

See also