Titanic (correctly spelled it sank, also Latin for iceberg) is a retelling of that ancient Egyptian fable by a little known author, Edgar Allen Poe, from his well-known Australian collection, The Man That Never Was. The original tale was about an iceberg that, while sailing through the Atlantic, accidentally collided with a gigantic boat, the Carpathia. Apparently this made the iceberg so angry it decided to drag the boat down with it. As the two ships were so close, some passengers on the Titanic went into uncontrollable fits, and reported out-of-body experiences, after which, they died. Unconfirmed rumours state that the iceberg was, in fact, ya mom. However, with only three billion survivors, this is hard to confirm.
The first known Titanic film was filmed back in the early days of Hollywood cinema in 1997, which pioneered techniques such as women actors, and scripts. The original take of the film had the two actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet who played themselves, Rose, Jack, and everybody else. They were given an ancient Chinese remedy of boiled ginger and Coca-Cola to keep their strength up. The original plot saw DiCaprio and Winslet arriving in Finland, where DiCaprio finally got his long-awaited boob job as a payout for having to be in such a terrible film. But, as a joke, Hitler decided to film an alternative ending in which the ship sank - which, as we all know, is a terrible but oft-repeated historical error. However, in real life, the Titanic is still working as a convict transportation ship, to and from England, Australia, and Eucador; ridding all these developing countries of much-despised rapists, murderers, child pornographists, and politicians (although, in many cases, the first and the fourth are convicted of the same offences) by dumping them in America.
In 1912, the far looking director of the Black Star Line, Ernest Borgnine, decided to build three ships that looked really, really big to house millions of nanobots that would pirate, and direct the human 'host' bodies to form a new colonization on Mars. To reinforce how large he wanted the ships to be, to distract from the swarms of nanobots, he named the three, the Olympic, the Titanic, and the Sofuckinghugeitsunexplainable. For unknown reasons, Sofuckinghugeitsunexplainable was renamed the 'Britannic,' although conspiracy theorists would have us believe this was to enable the ship's name to fit on the side. Other conspiracy theorists, such as Freud believe that Borgnine's preoccupation with size was a common female preoccupation (once and for all disproving that 'small things occupy small minds'), calling it, "completely understandable," and classifying it as Money Making Techniques 101 and OCD. As was the fashion at the time, the boat was made of marshmallow with Graham cracker reinforcements and holes in the side for the oars, chocolate and cannon mounts. Due to the extreme lightness of the marshmallow, the ship was pronounced "unsinkable" (which is a strange way to say "Titanic", but the English do have odd accents).
Later that year, the Titanic gave her maiden voyage to Afghanistan. A new, radical theory, proposed by radicalists states that the fact that Afghanistan is land-locked may have contributed to the ship's demise. The voyage took her past the Bermuda Triangle (often thought to have caused the downfall of Uzbekistan, once a leading world power in economics and political stability), which is known for its abundance of crayfish. These crayfish eat plankton, krill, the occasional local native, and manganese nodules which are found on the underside of human brains. This latter tendency makes them a distant relative of people of Maltese descent. Manganese is a ferromagnetic substance, which is why most of the crayfish are magnetised, and gives them a unique ability to form conga lines at the bottom of skyscrapers.
Soon after) may only be used for recreating historical relics that have more conspiracy theories than a radioactive mouse.' After three hours of intense lobbying, DiCaprio's wish was granted, which has got to be the most red tape skipped in the history of forever. The boat magically appeared out of the contract as soon it was signed, thereby saving many hours of labour and much money for the buying of the labour which DiCaprio hadn't factored in. Like a newborn, the immediate problem was feeding it (only soya bean cake) and naming it. Names on DiCaprio's original list included:
- The Ship That Won't Sink This Time
- Really Unsinkable, Scout's Honour
- Sexy Bitch
- Errr Your mum
- Wow! It sank. I did not see that coming...
But Titanic II was finally decided on, as DiCaprio decided that something related to the original would totally not scare everyone out of their fucking wits and get more sponsors involved. However, nobody wanted to run the Titanic's original route - from Enland to Afghanistan - as since 1997, everybody knows about building shipyards in land-locked countries, and so, an alternative route of England, to Australia, to Eucador, was decided on.
| In the days following the Titanic disaster, numerous theories concerning the sinking of the ship were proposed. Some said that Kate Winslet had put on a lot of weight; but it was more likely that it was either Ellen Degeneres or Fran Drescher. Others said that Leonardo DiCaprio was either so gay or acted so horribly that the ship dove underwater to escape. The most likely cause though, is that the captain purposefully steered the ship into an iceberg after being driven insane by Celine Dion refusing to shut up and stop singing. Perhaps the most outlandish suggestion of them all was that the iceberg in the movie was more than a metaphor for growing social consciousness in the newer generation. This is also claimed by some of the survivors of the wreck (although their opinion shouldn't count since they were too close to the event to see things objectively). However, it is well known however that high magnetic fields cause unusual effects in the brain, and may have caused them to see hallucinations of an iceberg, when actually it was a very cold Rosie O'Donell or a mutated orca. Some people say that there were several icebergs in the area that could have caused it, but this "iceberg conspiracy theory" holds no water, unlike the wreck of the Titanic, which is still soggily floating in bits and pieces on the oceans of the world. The Titanic is truly a global phenomenon. Legend holds, that if you utter the word "Titanic" three times into an mirror, you'll look like Richard Simmons.
Now, however, there are two wideley accepted theories. The first is on the sinking of the Titanic back in 1912, and the second is on the resinking in 1997. The 1912 most-widely accepted theory was the 'it wasn't actually the Titanic' theory. This theory theorises that an iceberg that, while sailing through the Atlantic, accidentally collided with a gigantic boat, the Carpathia. Apparently this made the iceberg so angry it decided to drag the boat down with it. As there was a lot of magnetic activity that night, passengers on the Titanic hallucinated, and saw the Titanic 'colliding' with an 'iceberg' and 'sinking'. Then, in what has got to be the most non-sequitur event in history, the passengers of the Titanic spontaneously started dying, boarding lifeboats, and jumping overboard, even though their ship was in perfect working order. Some believe this caused to the unusually high death rates on the Carpathia. Unconfirmed rumours state that the iceberg was, in fact, ya mom.
The 1997 most-widely accepted theory was the 'penis theory,' as the Titanic, in fact, did not sink in the original script. However, as a joke or as a matter of convenience (nobody is sure which), Hitler, having gotten footage of the Titanic sinking, decided to create an alternate ending where the Titanic sank, and thereby creating one of the most widely=believed historical errors ever, apart from the Holocaust. This theory is that Jack tried to screw with one of the larger port holes but was surprised when the bulk of his over-endowed penis actually ended up causing a rather tragic breach in the hull of the ship. Experts also suspect that the Titanic was not flooded conventionally with a normal water-related sinking. Instead, in the sheer ecstasy of the moment, it was Jack's sperm that flooded the ship, during which he moaned so loud people thought that the Titanic hit an iceberg. The damage was too extensive and the great ship sank, claiming many souls, including Jack's; the moral of the story being that Glory hole's are NOT a goal. However some belive it was perhaps Nick clegg who sank the ship after Gordon brown called him a bigot earning cleggs reputation of "Nick cleggs fault."
Another Theory is that Bill Clinton had taken a vacation on The Titanic the previous summer, leaving his entire stash of pornography on the ship by mistake. Apparently, he was so much of a dumbass, he wrote his name on all the magazines and tapes by mistake. Hilary Clinton was vacationing on the ship during the Winter of 1997, and Bill feared that Hilary would discover his stash. In an act of desperation, Bill ordered that the RMS Titanic be destroyed by cruise missiles. He explained to General Claudia J. Kennedy that the Titanic was taken over by terrorists, and needed to be destroyed before they crashed into Pearl Harbor. Unfortunatly, Hilary didn't die in the explosion, because she was so much of a bitch, she pushed every man, woman, and child in her way, into the icy waters, killing them, before setting her fat ass down, taking up an entire life raft by herself. Incidentally, Bill Clinton's Pearl Harbor scandel was the thing that made people hate him, and he resigned.
There is also a conspiracy theory suggesting that the 9/11 disaster was caused, not by terrorists, but by ill-informed rescue teams attempting to speed to the Titanic's aid as quickly as possible.
The bright side
It is widely agreed that one of the many merits of the ship's untimely end is the demise of the most unpleasant actor in the history of cinematography. Because the tragedy out of the 1400-odd people that died is far overwhelmed by the gratification of this bastard's death.
It is also widely agreed that whenever ugly women drool over talentless fucks like Leonardo DiCaprio, the joy one feels out of watching Kate Winslet crying is universally more gratifying.
- That time I nearly drowned during my sojourn on the Titanic
- EPIC FAIL!
- most unpleasant actor in the history of cinematography