Tom Clancy

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Tom Clancy thinking about how much he hates Russians, and Bob Saget.

Thomas Leo Clancy Jr. was born April 12 1947, in Pen Island County, Maryland. He attended in Towson, Maryland, graduating with the class of 1965. He went on to study English Literature at Loyola College in Baltimore, graduating with the class of 1969. Clancy married his first wife, Wanda, in the 1970s. After having four children together, they divorced in 1998.

Before making his literary debut, he spent some time running an independent bakery called "la Ronga bakery". In 1993, Tom Clancy joined a group of investors that included Peter Angelos and bought the Baltimore Orioles from Eli Jacobs. In 1998, he attempted to purchase the Minnesota Vikings and had a purchase agreement in place, but the deal fell through after his divorce settlement decreased his net worth significantly.

In 1989, Clancy, at age 52, married his 32-year-old daughter Alexandra Marie Clancy, on June 26.

[edit] Clancy's Childhood

Clancy spent most of his childhood reading books, playing with friends, and spending time working on his family lettuce farm. He started school very young, 3 to be exact , but his education was cut short due to the civil war. Clancy lived close to the Mason Dickon line, and watched many skirmishes(some say that is where he got his love for war). After the Civil war, the farm was shut down due to the lack of slave labor. Clancy's father lost all his money and left Clancy with his mother. Margarette Anne Muggins Clancy (Tom's mother)raised her son and encouraged him to continue his education. Clancy, now 16, had the education of a fourth grader. His mother decided to take action in her sons education by sending him to Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry... That straightened him up.

He then embarked on a series of adventures in several coffee ships and Ireland, which resulted in Green children eating his liver.

[edit] Books

Jack Ryan and Sean Connery from the smash hit Clancy novel "The Hunt for Red October."

“Tom Clancy is the worst author in this century, the future century, and this century. I can't understand any of his books. He shouldn't make them so big, anyways.”

~ Jeb Bush on Tom Clancy

Tom Clancy is a noted author of many books written for the "I'm a fat nerd who was too much of a pussy to actually join the military" demographic, of which he is a prominent member. He has been voted "Worst Author in History" in Peru, El Salvador, Brazil, Germany, and Douglas, Georgia. A common complaint is that his novels are simply too long, which dissuades most readers from actually finishing one. However, a recent study revealed that Clancy's books are 12% actual plotline, 25% shopping lists and corresponding receipts, 20% artistry from his grandchildren, and 43% of the pages simply reading "Tom Clancy, you are some kind of fantastic." Still, most human beings can't get past the 12% anyways, and so Clancy has no purpose to change his formula.

[edit] Jack Ryan

Jack Ryan is the main character in most of these books and modeled heavily off of three real live people: John Wayne, Jesus Christ, and the Invincible Iron Man. Ryan looks a lot like Han Solo except for a brief period 1990 when he looked like Alec Baldwin and another time in 2002 when he looked like that douchebag from "Pearl Harbor" and "Armageddon." He has had many adventures with people of different nationalities whose accents are totally inappropriate for where they are from.

[edit] Themes

Tom Clancy novels have two main themes: Russians are Godless whores and total retards, and the U.S.A. totally rocks. These themes are usually explored in his books by showing Russians for what they are: ignorant cavemen who get erections from doing evil things to people who like freedom and McDonald's and stuff, and by showing how smart and cool Americans are by playing baseball, making Jazz music, and beating the Russians at everything they do including water polo. Occasionally there will be an American in Clancy novels that is sympathetic to the baby Jesus hating, steroid using Russians, but they always turn out to be hippie liberals who hate America anyway and get themsleves killed.

Post 9/11 Clancy has turned his focus to those camel-riding idiots in the Middle East and those rice-eating bastards in China, both of whom totally hate America and won't buy his super sweet video games about killing those border-jumping beaners.

[edit] Popular Novels Written by Tom Clancy

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tom Clancy.

• The Hunt for Red October (1984)

  Heart warming story about a man with a Scottish accent in the Russian Navy who runs out of vodka and needs the help of Jack Ryan to further damage his own liver.

• Patriot Games (1987)

  Jack Ryan saves England from Irish people, and for some reason, the american intervention turned what was a nice, friendly game of cricket into a shitstorm of epic proportion. The Grues however were very happy.

• The Cardinal of the Kremlin (1988)

  People build lazers to shoot down nukes. Along the line, a crazy Soviet tank driver defects.

• Clear and Present Danger (1989)

  Jack Ryan spends 1000 pages looking for coffee in Colombia. Guest starring Fred Savage.

• The Sum of All Fears (1991)

  A nuclear bomb planted by terrorists kills lots of people and makes them miss all the commercials during the Super Bowl. Probably Clancy's most fantastical work as the U.S. actually manages to capture the terrorists. Then, they eat KFC.

• Debt of Honor (2)
• Green Eggs and Ham (1960)

  Sam-I-Am investigates a terror plot regarding the poisoning of poultry and swine by a Neo-Nazi group in Russia

  Clancy's most original book ever, In it Japan attacks the USA. After a while, we win.

• Executive Orders (1996)

  Cute story about an islamic guy who thinks he's god and tries to destroy America with viruses. Obviously, he fails and dies in an explosion of a gaz tank.

• Rainbow Six (1998)

  Later adapted into the popular T.V. show "Queer Eye for the Anti-Terrorist Guy." About a bunch of people from across the world who were cloned from Jack Ryan and sent to battle a bunch of hippie environmentalists.

• Red Rabbit (2002)

  Takes place before Scottish guy's liver fails. Jack Ryan has to save the Pope from Russians. Wow.

• Teeth of the Tiger, The (Never released)

  This novel was planned to be more original than Clancy's other works. It was to include Chuck Norris and a duel with a Soviet mutated tiger. It was planned to be a 700-page novel, but Chuck Norris defeated the tiger by ripping out it's teeth in the first chapter....with his mind.

None of these observations, although possibly correct, have been confirmed. Tom Clancy creates and writes about fictionalized events that are portrayed in a realistic aspect.

Bret Hart is evil!