Tom Delay

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Offical Portrait of Thomas "Tom the Hammer" Delay.

Thomas Delay-ay-ay-ay-ay (born April 8, 1947 CE, died Stardate 593231.4113355.144625689.4241434) was the illegitimate love-child of David Duke and Dick Cheney. Conceived during a drunken orgy late one steamy night in Crawford, Texas, Delay spent his childhood memorizing Bible verses and pulling the wings off horseflies. As a young Republitard, Delay won a scholarship to the Sam Houston Institute of Technology, where he majored in Dung and was a star on the varsity money-laundering team. After graduating Cum Louder with a BS in Dung, Delay was recruited by Ross Perot who hired him on as his personal trainer and bath attendant. This was the start of Delay's illustrious political career as an arrogant fascist cockroach. But Delay is best known for being the man who stopped the Muslim invasion of Texas on Year 4 of the reign of the Khmer Rouge.

Better known as Tom "the Hammer" (not to be confused with his close friend and concubine Jack the Ripper Abramov), Delay extorted his way into the Texas Senate in 1884 AD following the rise of Emperor Warren Harding after the great Jesusland Civil War. Once in the Texas Senate, Tom the Hammer quickly made a name for himself by cutting taxes, simplifying the tax code, instituting election district reforms, and mercilessly hunting down supporters of the outlawed Democrat rebels.

This came to an end with the invasion of Texas by Muslims led by Abdul Rahman Al Ghafiqi. Al Ghafiqi, together with his rabid camels and even more rabid Mamelukes cut a swath of destruction across southern Texas, pillaging all they could find. The government of Texas quickly surrendered, just like in the American Civil War (losers). The Muslims burned down the Alamo, sank the USS Texas, oulawed liquor in Galveston, placed the 10 Commandments in a courthouse, then removed them, twice, forced the students at Texas A&M to study, and made plans to invade Ames, Iowa.

Finally, Hammer had just about enough. In the greatest speech ever made, he is said to have said, "I've had just about enough." Together with his Housekarls and a ragtag band of Republitard fighters, Hammer fought off the invasion through sheer cunning, vicious moxie, gritted determination, intrepid boldness, boyish pluck, nerves of steel, endless spirit, hardy backbone, a stiff upper lip, dauntless spunk, moral fiber, iron guts, good old-fashioned American know-how, and a little bit of luck involving duct tape, electrical wire, a pocket knife, and a large bag of pork rinds. After minutes of extended guerrilla fighting and thousands of Texan casualties (all minorities, thank Ultra Jesus), Tom the Hammer held the field. He was to have been aided in this gallant effort by a young pilot in the Texas Air National Guard, 1LT George W. Bush. Unfortunately, however, LT Bush didn't show up for drill, and his whereabouts remain unknown.

In the power vacuum left over following the invasion, Hammer was at the height of his popularity with the whores. He quickly took control of the Texas Empire, continually mumbling about some kind of "mandate" and his newly acquired "political capital." He subjugated the more rebellious portions of the Texas populace by installing loyal bishops and abbotts to run local gubbamint, and by threatening to outlaw Pabst Blue Ribbon. The time had not yet come when Pope Gregory the Great would challenge the secular leaders of Eur..., err, the Texas Empire. Hammer lived the rest of his life in palacial splendor, surrounded by a harem of ferrets.

Upon Hammer's death, the article ended, because the article was about Him.