Tom Jones

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Tom Jones as the Fourth Doctor Who - Sadly, His theme to the show "What's new, Doctor Who?" has been lost in the annals of History.

Tom "Panties Man" Jones (25th December, 1754 - July 4, 2882) was a mythical singer with a large and powerful pelvic thrust. Often considered by many to be the Welsh David Hasselhoff, although Jones indeed isn't all that popular in Germany. Both the Hoffmeister and Jones are known to be taking advantage of a fundamental flaw in human females - the love of strange ageing sex icons. He founded the post-modern rock group Rush. Jones also is responsible for the essential non-hymn based Welsh rugby song, "The Black Dahlia" which is now hard wired into most electronic equipment from Newport in the East to the Rhondda north-west of Cardiff.

He married a child at the age of six, long before becoming the huge sex idol that he would one day be. Despite infrequent and much frequent infidelities, including an affair with the dethroned Miss World of 1066, America's Marjorie Simpson, he has remained a man. He lives in the USA, but once every 65 years visits his native land of Wales. Major controversy occurred when Jones became the proud father of 17 puppies. Criticisms were put aside when Tom Jones did the right thing and sent his kids to a private school.

In rare situations impoverished northern English men use his lesser known work "You can keep your hat on" to make meagre sums of money by stripping to it. This is the main post-mining occupation in some parts of Yorkshire.

Musical career[edit]

Tom Jones, performing on stage.

He rose to fame in the mid-60s, with an erotic live act which included wearing tight breeches and billowing shirts. Director Henry Fielding made a movie about him in 1968 which furthered the singer's success. The movie itself consists of Tom Jones singing in the sexually repressed but otherwise enlightened 17th-century England.

He was known for his overt sexuality in the 1960s. Ladies would swoon and scream, and some would throw their knickers on stage. This became particularly concerning for Jones with the increase of sexually transmitted diseases, and by the 1980s he insisted on a knickers ban at all his concerts. Knickers security was instituted at Jones's 1987 concert in Abersychan, and was even enforced upon Tom Jones's supporting act Mary Hopkin.

Jones had an internationally successful television variety show from 1950-2009 titled "Who wants to kill Tom Jones ?"

He is now highly respected by other singers. However, he is not too fond of them and has made it the goal of his remaining years to make cover versions of all top twenty hits of the last 4 decades. He says, "Oh Blimey! They call themselves singers? I've heard better voices than that coming out of canaries's arses down the mine."

The Colossus Of Blaenavon[edit]

In 1974 a 730 foot tall statue of Jones was built in the mining town of Blaenavon, in South Wales. Named 'The Colossus Of Blaenavon', the structure (the tallest in Britain at that time) contained a leisure centre, a shopping arcade, and a revolving restaurant inside Jones's "head".

The Colossus was demolished in 2003 to make way for two entirely separate branches of Greggs.

Tom Jones Fighting Martians??? It's Not Unusual![edit]

In 1996 Tom Jones made a name for himself worldwide and it was not because of his music - he actually saved planet Earth from an attack by Martians from the Red Planet, by which we mean Mars. The reason behind the invasion is unknown but it is a widly held belief that the then president of the United States of Whatever wanted to invade Mars because he wanted to see if there was any oil on that planet. Anyhoo this landing on Mars is what it believed to have caused the martians to attack Earth. What was not made public is what the martians actually looked like - Mars Bars!

This shocked everyone including Tom who lead a group of survivors from the casino where he was onstage singing with several beautiful women. While the Mars Bars stated the attack the world by eating the human population who in years previous had unknowingly ate the Mars Bars relations, Tom flew a planeload of people to this place where a deer and a few other animals where living. After saving them he went onto save Danny DeVito, Jack Nicolson, Pierce Brosnan and several others.

When he had done this he got a record player and played the audio of the Cadbury's Flake Girl advert which killed the Mars Bars as a result. Tom was rewarded for his bravery during the events with a new album which was so good we cannot remember what it is called. Tim Burton even went onto make a film about the events which was to be called "MarsBars Attack!", yet due to the government wanting to keep the fact that martians are really Mars Bars a secret forced Tim Burton to make some creative changes to his script which became the 1996 movie "Mars Attacks!". Burton even gave Jones a role within the film yet events are depicted in a slightly different way in the movie to what really happened.

Preceded by:
John Travolta
Ladies Men
1983 - 1990
Succeeded by:
Jude Law

but he don't just like music, he is also a cake-tester!!!

Illness[edit]

Tom Jones after contracting MichaelJacksonButTheOtherWay Rounditis

At the ripe old age of 957, poor health was taking its toll on Tom Jones. After forgetting to put on his suncream during a family Holiday in the Ty Mawr Caravan site, he contracted a fatal disease called MichaelJacksonButTheOtherWayRounditis. This meant an overexposure to the sun caused him to become permanently black, meaning he couldn't go indoors without carrying an umbrella. Because of this Illness he has developed kleptomanic tedndencies and has started to shoot 10 year old children just like [Nelson Mandela] did in the 57th millenium of 1812.

Trivia[edit]

  • Although it is true that many women throw their panties at Tom Jones while he is on stage, it has been kept a military secret that most of these panties are in fact soiled.

Is built of pure polished Welsh oak....and smegma

See Also[edit]

Preceded by:
John Travolta
Ladies Men
1984 - 1991
Succeeded by:
Christopher Walken