Tomas Morse

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Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Tomas Morse.
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Early Life[edit]

Tomas Paddy Morse is a British humourist/communist of Welsh, Irish and Klingon origin that was taught English merely as a cheap parlour trick by a Russian scientist. He was spawned by a chance meeting between a sexually ambiguous shelf-stacker, Mary Murphy and Richard Morse, a local part-time Chemistry teacher. The location in Bangor where he was conceived is now a World Heritage Site. Approximately 9 months after this sexual encounter, Tomas mysteriously came out of his mother's belly, baffling doctors, scientists and paediatricians alike. Between the ages of 3 and 7 Tomas lived in the small kingdom of Euthanasia. From 1998-2002 Tomas attended Cwmbran Primary School. Described as being an ugly, pointless shell devoid of any trace of learning or personality, Tomas did not enjoy his time at school. From the 3rd of September 2002, Tomas has bothered the students of Ysgol Gyfun Gwynllyw with his presence and general existence.

Tomas' mother during labour

Appearance[edit]

Tomas Morse is a fine figure of a man, and has been described by certain women as a more attractive version of Johnny Depp. Tomas' hair is his most defining attribute. It is infamous in certain local circles, earning it's own title "The Morse-fro". On one now legendary incident, Tomas innocently walked into his local barber and before he could utter a single word the nearest free hairdresser collapsed in a fit of despair, screaming "They didn't warn us about this in barber school!!!". His face has been described by the Reverend Richard Dawkins as "The greatest argument against intelligent design since Lily Allen". He has a tattoo of William Shatner on his left arse cheek. When asked by Piers Morgan the reason behind the tattoo, Tomas replied with "I finally put him boldly where no man had gone before". However, after his brief stint in prison in August of 1997 for tax evasion, this is no longer true.

Career[edit]

He amassed a cult following after a world-famous almighty cock-up, where he was accidentally interviewed live on BBC News 24 in place of Guy Kewney. Realising his new found fame, Tomas appeared on the British Celebrity Big Brother (coming in fourth place behind such "stars" as Jessica Simpson's manicurist, Gerry McCann, and Queen Latifah). Walk-on cameos in The West Wing, Extras and the Television X ten minute freeview soon followed, and a TV-movie soon to be shown on BBC 3 about his life, starring John Leguizamo as Tomas is allegedly in the pipeline. His hair stylist also has a show on Bravo.

Private Life[edit]

Tomas is a long time member of The Scouts and is one of his few peers not to have been molested. He collects both Pokemon and Digimon cards (it is impossible to distinguish between the two), Korean toothpicks, and the breath of prolific serial killers. His favourite pastimes are throwing bouncy balls into Games Workshop and enticing small woodland creatures into microwaves. Tomas reputedly has a fear of gravity (barophobia), peanut butter sticking to the roof of his mouth (arachibutyrophobia) and Amy Winehouse (common sense).

Tomas at a Phil Collins concert

Relationships[edit]

Tomas came out of the proverbial closet on the 29th of May 2002. He has been with his current 'life-partner' Richard Simmonds for nigh on 6 years now. Their relationship, however, has not been without it's fair share of strife. Amidst rumours of his infidelity, when asked during an interview by Jon Stewart whether he was having sex behind Richard's back, Tomas retorted with "Who did he think it was?"

Talents[edit]

Tomas has some super-human abilites, including but not limited to: bending the space-time continuum, tissue regeneration, telepathy, super strength, painting the future, self-propelled flight, controlling electric things, doing some weird Jekyll and Hyde type shit, going through solid objects, absorbing other people's powers and errrmmm.....oh yeah, deleting people's memories. He has also performed incredible feats of endurance, being able to sit through the Sylvester Stallone shit-fest "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" for a record 54-and-a-half minutes. His weaknesses include ninjas, Tom Selleck's moustache, and bullets coming out of guns at very high speeds.

Trivia[edit]

  • Tomas auditioned for the role of "Treebeard" in "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" but his acting was believed to be too wooden.
  • During his college years he starred in the pornography epic: An Orifice and a Gentleman.
  • Tomas has released his own perfume range "Eau de Morse". It's scent has been likened to that of McDonald's chicken nuggets.
  • According to a recent medical consensus, the laws of physics do not apply to Tomas.

Anecdotes[edit]

Tomas is well-known in some circles for his two classic hilarious, high-brow anecdotes. This is the infamous first telling of "The Dentist Story":

Tomas: I, like, went to the dentist yesterday, and, it was, like, really funny, 'cos, like, I went in, and he looked at my teeth, and said "OK, you're done", and then, like, my dad went in, yeah, and, um, the dentist said, "yeah, that's OK, you can go now", and then we were, like, out in less than, um, ten minutes.



Adam: (Pause) That's not funny.

Tomas: Well . . . I guess you had to be there.

He told his second classic story, dubbed "The Matter at Hand", to his tramp-friend Gobi Toff, who then spread the word and entertained a large assembly of individuals with this witty tale. Take it away, Tomas:

I was lying on my bed, wanking, and it came out, and it flew over the end of the bed and landed on the floor. (stifles his own laughter)

This story quickly became an in-joke-cum-meme amongst his friends, and spawned gags concering The Bumper Book of Morse Anecdotes, a cartoon, a running joke that Yakety Sax should be sang while picturing this incident, and a planned question for the 2007 GCSE physics exam: "Tomas is lying on his bed, pleasuring himself. If his load weighs 0.6g, and spurts at a constant speed of 0.8 m/s, calculate . . .".

There is a third story concerning Tomas, which is as follows:

Tomas once entered a pharmacist (oh, grow up!) and enquired "do you have cotton wool balls?", to which the man behind the counter replied "what do I look like? An effing teddy bear?". True story.

Tomas has never recounted this story himself, and most experts question its truthiness as one of his anecdotes as it's actually quite funny.

Evolutionary history[edit]

The evolution of Morse

Many believe Tomas to be the missing link, Australomorsecus, after experiencing his one grunt for yes and two grunts for no.

An excerpt from 'The Origin of Faeces: A Brief History of Morse' by Dr.Huckleberry Chuzzlewit PHD, OBE, BSE

"Of course one cannot determine exactly how Australomorsecus would have looked, but by taking advantage of modern technology, science and several episodes of QI we can intelligently assume that Australomorsecus was an abnormally lanky specimen consisting of an afro of such epic proportions that it would make Jimmy Hendrix vomit with envy, and a third chin (the third chin believed to be the result of excessive game playing and binge eating). Through modern techniques we have also discovered that Australomorsecus was a very lazy species, more so than the common sloth. The sloth, as per common knowledge, usually descends from its habitat to go to the bathroom. On the contrary the Australomorsecus wasn't so lazy it never went to the toilet, oh good heavens no... but it was lazy enough to actually defecate where it sat or stood, even slept! Thus, due to this occurrence, we have the scent of the world renowned fragrance "Eau de Morse".



Recently my band of eccentric scruff scientists and I, by using modern technology, stem cells and some Jurassic Park type shizzle, created a living specimen of Australomorsecus and by doing so discovered the use of Australomorsecus' hair. For years and years we have been attempting to solve the mystery surrounding this phenomenon and now we can safely say that it is:
A - a form of storage area
B- a form of self defence
C - a mating structure
Storage - We watched Australomorsecus.2 (lovingly dubbed 'Lucy') closely for many hours a day and we saw substantial amounts of items being willfully pulled out of Lucy's hair. Items such as rubbers, pencils, food, chewing gum and ... weapons of mass destruction!
Defence - After much viewing we have seen that not many people like Lucy. We believe it is because he is different. So, due to his abnormal appearance and bad manner people find it rather amusing to throw such painful items as glass bottles, bricks and Spice Girls CDs at him. People have noticed him crying after being hit by any of these items, a ball or sometimes a car. Due to his compulsory visits to Trevethin we have often acknowledged a few drive-bys from ruthless teens that prefer to be called Trefis.
Mating - This is the fun part. Although, as far as we know, Lucy has never had sexual relations with any other being, he has been known to dry-hump other previously extinct, ancient, creatures such as Tremayneasaurus Rex, Tobidactyl and Cher (when we asked him why this was, he grunted "cuz I aint 'ad a wank in four days innit maaan!"). Anyway, although Lucy has never slept with one he does attract a lot of them, girls that is (he also attracts a large amount of seagulls but that's another matter) thus the reason we think his hair serves as a mating structure. Day in day out girls crowd around him to feel his golden locks but unfortunately his backup defensive system kicks in when he is crowded and hence he usually repels every living being in the vicinity by blasting out as much radiation as the sun toward any creature in a 2-mile radius.

So all in all Lucy is fucked and now we understand how Australomorsecus became extinct."

Theme tune[edit]

Tomas has his own theme tune (sung to the tune of the Spider-Man theme):

"Tomas Morse, Tomas Morse, does whatever a Tomas Morse can. Can he do simple maths? No he can't, he's Tomas Morse.

Tomas Morse, Tomas Morse, does whatever a Tomas Morse can. Can he talk to a girl? No he can't, he's Tomas Morse."

(There is a third verse, however the FCC, NAMBLA and Mary Whitehouse all found it to be too abhorrent. It was also a bit shit to be honest, completely unlike the rest of this article(!))