Tommy Vercetti

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Tommy Vercetti.


Bart George Clark "Tommy" Vercetti is the bitch ass of Vice City. Being such a ninny, it is quite a mystery of how he achieved mob boss position. He also wrestles in the WWE both Raw and Smackdown where he is the current ECW Champion and WWE Champion. Many people believe Ken Rosenberg, Tommy's schmuck of a lawyer is really pulling the strings. Others reckon Sonny Forelli is still really alive and is the brains' behind the Vice operation. Tommy Vercetti is usually seen wearing a dorky 1971 style Hawaiian shirt, jeans and white sneakers. Occasionally he might wear something else. The fact that Tommy's wardrobe seems so limited has lead to a few conclusions: He is the father of bastard child Claude speed (Yes the one from GTA III) who was mothered by a Prositute

  • a) He's not really the mob boss, just a poser.
  • b) He hasn't heard of a personal hygiene.
  • c) He hasn't heard of a thing called a washing machine.
  • d) He never went out of the house so doesn't know what clothes shop is.
  • e) He never went to swimming class,
  • f) All from the above.
  • g) f)




Prologue[edit]

Tommy was born to a retarded shemale and gay invalid, and he used to sexually harass classmates before he became a gay stripper. Later he was adopted by Sonny Forelli with whom he entered a passionate romantic relationship. Tommy used to be Sonny's bitch, and occassionally used to be his running boy. One day, Sonny sent him to deliver a condom to one man. But, the condom had a hole! So the man sent his eleven lovers to attack Tommy and give him a good fuck. Tommy enjoyed this and pleasured everyone orally, but as he was a dirty cheater, he killed all of them. Then the cops came and put Tommy in correctional facility.

Romantic Life[edit]

Tommy has been linked to the following people romantically:

  • Mercedes Cortez- Heiress to the Cortez fortune. Claims she only dated him out of pity.
  • Candy Suxx- Christian Porn Superstar. Apparently was paid to date Tommy by Ken.
  • Amy Scheckenhausen- Popular radio DJ. Longest girlfriend- about 10 days. Claims to have had his kid, a blonde boy she called Tommy Jr.
  • Jezz Torrent- In some boy band. Tommy claims he was drunk and drugged when this happened.
Lance Vance- Tom's longest partner, business and otherwise.
  • Lance Vance- Only serious partner, and longest boyfriend. Whilst Tommy wasn't too bright, he was contrasted by his genius boyfriend, Lance Vance. Unfortunately Lance's genius-ness lead to a lot of mental instability which lead to a lot of ODing and accusations of Tommy's unfaithfulness. It is rumoured to two had a massive fight, and Lance in a rage over another rumour that Tommy was seen leaving the Malibu Club with Jezz Torrent, drove off a bridge* and died. The official story is that Tommy saw Lance canoodling with Sonny, and dumped him promptly. He killed that bitch ass when he fuck around with him and sold out his homosexual relationship. He still keeps his body in the basment for "enjoyment".
  • Carl "CJ" Johnson - The king of all niggas. He teases Tommy because of his lack of swimming. He is seen in Los Santos, San Andreas performing bank robberies.
  • Sonny Forelli - Tommy's first love. After Tommy made love to Lance and Sonny found out, Sonny sent men to kill him. But, Tommy killed them and killed Lance because he doesn't like his meat between the legs anymore.
  • Random Prostitute - Thanks to her Tommy has a kid. WAY TO GO FAG!
  • Please note that the water in Vice City is highly toxic and upon entering it is near-instant death. Or maybe Tommy is non-swimming asshole freak and drowns just when he touches water? The king of all niggas can swim, everybody can swim, but this guy? This guy no! He's maybe a mob boss, but a swimming ass-retard.

Connections to other Video Game Characters[edit]

Tommy Vercetti although very social with other GTA characters, is rarely seen outside his little GTA bubble. On occasions he has appeared, were at:

  • Trying to audition for a place in a Harry Potter game but failing
  • Briefly taking part in a Sims 2 Big Brother style show
  • As a member of the nWo
  • He won the WCW United States Championship while he was a member of the nWo Wolfpac, later he joined WWECW and won the ECW title.
  • At a court hearing where Princess Peach and Lara Croft each testified against him for sexual harrasment.
  • He was witness of Sonny's death in Godfather the game.
  • Raped a few Care bears.

Tommy Vercetti's videos[edit]

Personality[edit]

Tommy is known to be very sociable, lazy, and has anger management problems. Also, he is very stupid and thinks taxi driving and ambulance missions will repay money back to his boss Sonny. He can also be a ninny and avoids punch-ups often sending in his men to be punched instead of him. He often goes on a killing spree, shooting numerous enemy gangs (including his own), cops, military troops, beachgoers, sharks, dolphins, pedestrians, dancers, bartenders, store clerks, and even bouncers. However, he was killed 934,099 times by military troops and police helicopters. Somehow, he still refuses to die as he is recovered from the hospital with just a few scratches and bruises. He has numerous of chicks ravaging his hotel room, but Tommy always carries lots and lots of weapons so everyone is scared off. Tommy is regularly seen around Vice city asking women if they think he sounds like Ray Liota. Most of the women don't know who Liota is but they say yes because of the gun jammed into their temples. Also, he asks some cops if he reminds on Tony Montana, but they can't speak well with large rocket launcher jammed in their mouth. Tommy fires the launcher, but he survives with his super-natural-powers-of-living-and-not-dying. Also, if Tommy is VEEEERY angry, he goes to the mall and smashes all windows in 5 seconds just to ask people to go in his stolen mansion he stole with killing some cholo Duazos and drink some coffee, black no sugar or bourbon. But, he secretly puts his supernatural rat poison in the drinks so all shopkeepers die from coffee. Then he sends his men to handle the shops. When cops want to Tom up, they notice a star above his head. If there are six stars, they will attack will tanks and kill Tommy 50.000.000.0000.0000.0000.0001 times more. But, with his Superman and Luke Skywalker Jedi powers, Tommy can't die, but loses his money and guns trying to escape from hospital killing all crazy scientists and doctors who want to rip his heart off, do him brain surgery and turn him into Frankenstein! But, Tommy will be called Tommynstein or Vercettinstein, if he gets brainwashed.



Abilities[edit]

Vercetti's long suffering gang members, suffering from longtime AIDS and penile cancer thanks to Tommy.

Although Vercetti is lazy, he does have human abilities:

  • Sprinting: Allows him to run faster, but unfourtunately, he is not faster than Sonic the Hedgehog (Top Speed: 999,999 MP/H).(Top speed of Sonic: 1,000,000 MP/H).
  • Carjacking: He can steal from supermarket trolleys to tanks (not an actual ability).
  • Combat Skills: He is able to perform kung fu, kickboxing and even do karate and also wrestling. He was retired from the dojo and also wresting, because his gangs holds him back. However, he kept his wrestling championship belts by force. He then slapped up Smackdown general manager Vickie Guererro to keep belt and as a way to say "you're fat".
  • Sword Wielding: He is able to wield any types of sharp objects to decapitate pedestrians. Although he suffers from numerous cuts and lacerations, he uses titanium suits to protect him from becoming a meat strip.
  • Top fun skills: He can be deadly with a kiddy-playing-van, so keep away when Vercetti enters top fun. He can demolish you and construction site for some lousy cowboy or drop a bomb on your head for some old poor magic gipsy bitch.
  • Driving skills: Tommy is a human, but has very low driving skill, causing him to lose control over supermarket trolley, hit the tree and fly away as a blue angel and then fall into the sea and drown like a bastard or fall on ground and crush like a bastard.

Similarities to mentally sick person which he is[edit]

  • Eating: Vercetti can eat only with right hand because left is too weak so he drops the fork.
  • Making kids: Who ever saw Vercetti fuck, he is a spy hero of the universe. That's why Vercetti will never have children (Claude is an exception).
  • Swimming: You have to be better than Michael Phelps if you want to teach Vercetti to swim. Seems he is incapable of even floating.