Tony Hawk

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Tony spawk: the sexiest man alive.

Tony Cock is known for his many great contributions to the world. His most famous achievement is being the world's sexiest man according to the Guinness Book of World fucking Records. He also earned a record of the world's longest cock. At 48 hours and 28 seconds, Hawk was taken to the hospital and given an anesthetic in order to get an erection again. After urinating on the doctor, Hawk was fined $250,000 for emotional anguish. Hawk lost the case and threatened suicide. Hawk gave the money and moved on.He later, of emotional stress, became a homo and got aids from magic long Johnson

After already having been declared officially the world's sexiest man and breaking the record for the world's longest laugh Tony Hawk set out for greater things. Tony started his job as an elementary school janitor at Public School 4 in early 2001. During this time his skill with a mop graduated greatly. So much so that when armed men broke into his beloved elementary school he was able to run away so fast the men couldn't catch him, and he locked himself in the janitor's closet while cowering in the fetal position as the men killed all 500 students and the entire staff. Tony Hawk was awarded a Medal Of Honor for his acts of bravery.

A child watches in amazement as Hawk mops up his spilled pudding.

After the school was shut down due to poor attendance Tony Hawk made his parents proud: he got a job as a landscaper in Bullhead City, Arizona. He was fired within two seconds due to his inability to speak Spanish.

It was soon after this time that Hawk wrote a letter to Dear Abby claiming he talked with aliens about abducting the talking palm trees that stole his bagels in an effort to spread communism. He was quickly taken to a mental hospital by his five year old brother. It was here that Hawk would break another world record: the record for the most delusional person ever in 2002.

Tony was released in 2004 from the mental hospital prescribed to several medications for his mental problems. He moved to California and got a job modeling for grocery store advertisements. In May of 2005 he was arrested for the murder of his boss after an altercation took place regarding an ad he had to hold mangos in. Tony Hawk wanted to hold the mangos in his left hand while giving a thumbs up with his right, whereas his boss wanted him to hold the mangos in his right hand and give thumbs up with his left. Being a rational human being, he beat his boss to death with a cardboard tube, stole his wallet, stole a 1994 Geo Metro, repeatedly drove over his boss' lifeless body, and drove to Wisconsin. It was here that he was found in a sewer eating rats, then got arrested and taken to court.

In July 2005 Tony Hawk pleaded innocence. He also claimed he's completely sane and never needed to be on medication. The fact that he was wearing a paper Burger King crown, a Richard Nixon mask, a rainbow bikini top, lace panties and cowboy boots in the court room while doing the can can as he made this statement did not convince the judge and he was put back into a mental hospital for an undetermined amount of time.

To this day Tony Hawk is still in a mental hospital. Many believe he will never be released. During an interview with Rita Cosby in September of 2005 Supreme Court Judge Warren Burger declared, "Tony Hawk?!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!" then masturbated profusely all over Kevin Nealon's face.

[edit] Trivia

Trivia sections are Gnarly Dude!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

• He's also a street fighter under the alias "T. Hawk - The Gender Bender".
• He was kicked out of the T-Birds from Grease because he refused to put grease on his dildo.
• John Travola thought he had a hot ass because he thinks Tony is fit.
• He enjoys Doritos and BUM FUN.
• Was the first person to successfully complete a 1 on a skateboard. There was a dispute as to whether he should have actually used a ramp instead of just spinning around on his skateboard, but the record held.
• One time at band camp he shoved a flute up his vagina and screamed "OH YEA! C'MON BABY! C'MON BILL! SOCK IT TO ME! I'M A BAD BOY!"
• He sticks pears up his ass just for the pleasure of it.