Tony Jaa

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Tony Jaa preparing to systematically beat the hell out of everyone at McDonald's in Cleveland.

“I wish that I was as fast as him...”

~ The Flash on Tony Jaa

“WHERE'S MY ELEPHANT?”

~ Tony Jaa on his "elephant"

“What a lovely young man!”

~ Elephants on Tony Jaa

“Oww...”

~ Elephant Poachers on Tony Jaa

“Tony Jaa can jump off the Empire State Building, do 3000 back flips, and land on his tip-toes, ready to strike”

~ Bangkok boasting on Tony Jaa

“That City can jump over and under a moving car at the same time”

~ Tony Jaa boasting on Bangkok


The Tony Jaa Formula[edit]

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Tony Jaa's Childhood[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tony Jaa.

Tony Jaa's mother was a lightning bolt, and his father was a bull elephant. He was born in the land of Mordor in the year 1911, in the fires of Mount Doom. Forged in the fiery cauldron of the mountain by Chuck Norris and Oscar Wilde, he was raised to be a killing machine by his parents, learning his strength and skill from Chuck and his verbal prowess from Wilde. Sadly, at the age of seven, his homeland was invaded by Pinko Commies, and his parents told him to flee into nearby Thailand.

He trained in the martial arts style of Muay Thai, which translates roughly into English as "Ass-Stomp". Upon reaching the completion of his training a mere six months later, Jaa had mastered every known form of Muay Thai and had created his own. However, due to the amount of bad ass that his style leaked, he could not successfully harness its power.There are no records of him using the full power of Muay Thai because if he has everybody would have died. If he used it around mere mortals, the devastating effects of witnessing such awesomeness, it would melt the eyes of viewers and nearby civilians. Tony left Thailand looking for opportunities in the world to display his insane martial arts skill and athletic ability. It was not long before he found work in the entertainment industry after beating the living fuck out of Keanu Reaves for being a "faggot" and not being able to act. Since then he has been accepted into doing movies and is still referred to as Tony Jaa because everyone else is to afraid to call him anything else. (the one know event of someone calling him something other then his own name was lost in what looked like an explosion leaving hundreds with multiple broken bones and cut tendons, the origin of the explosion is still unknown)

Current Life[edit]

Tony Jaa is now working as a professional actor and elephant lover and has been seen working part time as a stunt man for Jackie Chan. His current filmography includes Ong Bak, Warrior King, Thomas The Tank's Magic Railroad and Ong Bak 2, which due to unforseen circumstances is not getting released until the year 2344. According to reliable internet sources, he stormed off set and spent several weeks watching back to back Eastenders omnibuses in a cave. Heat magazine has recently voted him #2 angriest person in the world, falling just short of the German kid off youtube, who is also rumoured to be the main bad guy in Ong Bak 2. He currently lives somewhere in Thailand, with his elephant, Chuck.

The Fun Run[edit]

Jaa is currently holding a cross country fun run to raise awareness for superAIDS, much like Forrest Gump, only less gay. This is a much more popular alternative to previous method of beating super diseases, which was to knee and elbow people in the face until the disease had decided it'd had enough and sacked itself off. Many have atempted to join Jaa on his journey although none could keep up. He has also has stopped at many restaurants to top up on Chi, Jaa's alternative to food. He obtains the Chi by kicking the living shit out of people and he wont stop until he's full up. Jaa has worked his way through Asia, France, Germany and is currently clearing out the Kremlin (no Russian reversal necessary).

Rumours Surrounding Tony Jaa[edit]

A Rumour from a local school boy has been published saying he knows how Tony Jaa gets his awesomeness. The Child's Theory states that Tony Jaa is in fact a martial arts instructor from the future who has mastered time travel, upon mastering time travel Tony Jaa realised how to land any flip. By going back in time 1 second The future version of Jaa Helps the present Version of Jaa by kicking his present self's feet launching him higher. When scientists went to see the child after he implicated his Theory they had realised he had passed away a few days earlier by an extreme case of super aids.

Tony Jaa Facts[edit]

Fact 1: Tony Jaa is so awesome that he is even winning The Game when he is thinking about The Game.

Fact 2: He will kick/punch/knee/elbow/face/toe/finger you in the face.

Fact 3: The next time you say a "your mom" joke Tony Jaa will rip your heart out and eat it for breakfast. Even if it's dinner time.

Fact 4: God is just Tony Jaa's seat warmer.

Fact 5: Tony Jaa is standing right behind you. ALWAYS.

Fact 6: Tony Jaa can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. No questions asked.

Fact 7: Tony Jaa's real name is not Tony Jaa...if he told you his real name, people in a 50 mile radius would die from the amount of awesome.

Fact 8: Tony Jaa hates Spanish, make sure you speak Mexican when around him.

Fact 9: Tony Jaa can take Chuck Norris to water AND make him drink.

Fact 10: When the boogeyman goes to bed, he doesn't check his closet for Chuck Norris. He checks it for Tony Jaa.

Fact 11a: Every time an elephant dies Tony jaa dosen't cry; he kills.

Fact 11b: Every time an elephant is born Tony Jaa gets a royalty.

Fact 12: In Tony Jaa movies they don't say, "lights, camera, action!" - The director stabs Tony with a big knife.

Fact 13: Nothing motivates Tony Jaa as much as getting stabbed in the guts with a big knife; it makes him "snap".

Fact 14. Tony Jaa can jump over and under a moving car at the same time.

Fact 15. Martial Arts "quit" when Tony Jaa showed up. He is now Deputy Arts.

Fact 16. If an elephant-hater has 900 bones in his body, Tony Jaa can snap 1000 of them.

Fact 17. Tony Jaa is so awesome that he can actually "dodge" Jack Bauer.

Fact 18. Tony Jaa can jump off the Empire State Building, do 3000 back flips, and land on his tip-toes, ready to strike.

Fact 19. Tony Jaa never uses a stunt-double; stunt men use Tony Jaa.

Fact 20. By Reading this you have become a victim of Tony Jaa.

People and Things He's Killed[edit]

Note: These are the people we know of the list is growing right now.

1. Everybody whos laid hands on him.

2. All of his cast and crew members.

3. Cancer, AIDS, SuperAIDS.

4. Timo Ebert's Stay in Australia.

5. Actors who suck.

6. Soviet Union.

7. Hitler. Twice.

8. That guy with the hole in his throat in Ong Bak.

9. Jackie Chan.

10. N Sync.

11. Britney Spear's career.

12. 300 Spartan Warriors (Twice, with one blow).

13. Those pesky foreigners.

14. Bruce Willis.

15. The Early Bird that tried to steal his worm.

16. Me.

17. Jet Li (Three times... with two blows).

18. Wikipedia.

19. Cthulhu (Actualy not, because when dead he`s in fact sleeping...).

20. Oscar Wilde.

21. Sauron and everyone in "The Lord of The Rings".

22. John Cena.

23. Reversal Russia.

24. URSS.

25. USSR.

26. Stalin.

27. Lenin.

28. Two birds with no stone.

29. The superdevil

30. Gandhi

31. Optimus Prime and all Autobot.

32. Megatron and all Decepticon.