Tony La Russa

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“La Russa? Sounds like an Italian side dish made by Dumbledore before he was killed by Snape.”

~ John Rocker on Tony La Russa

“He fucked my life up!”

~ Little Mac on Tony La Russa

“I dont care how many lineup changes he makes, that fucker still owes me money!!!”

~ Gary Sheffield on Tony La Russa

“Tony La Russa is probably the greatest baseball manager in history, we'll certainly never see anyone better in our lifetimes.”

~ Tony La Russa on Tony La Russa

“And why is the pitcher batting eighth?”

~ Cardinals fans on Tony LaRussa's lineup cards
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Tony La Russa.
Tony La Russa has been awakened from the catacombs, and he will manage a team called the St. Louis Cardinals.

Tony La Russa (1823?-2011, 2044-) was born on April 19, 1823 in Cincinnati, Ohio after the International Keeper of Years decided to skip 1822. La Russa was supposed to be born a year before (in 1822), but they skipped 1822. He used to be the head coach of the baseball St. Louis Cardinals in 2009, before the bitch on wheels Oprah Winfrey forced him to lose his job. Some say he lost his job after smoking crack he found on a street in Finland. He was working for Darth Mario in 2009, after getting fired by Oprah.

Rumor has it he died on April 21, 1956 but he has been proven to be immortal after contracting a rare disease that was cast on him by the Black Mage. He was the head coach of the St. Louis Cardinals in MLB from 1864 to 2007. He was slain by Darth Mario in 2011 after an unknown altercation. In 2044, he was revived by the same Black Mage, then became an evil magician and changed his name to Mage Russarias.

La Russa's Criminal Record[edit]

Earned the ire of the Chicago Cubs gang in Chicago, Illinois Tony La Russa is best known for getting into a fight with gang members Sammy Sosa and George Bell in August 15, 1868. The fight was about who would win the next NBA finals: the Utah Jazz or the Detroit Pistons. He was sentenced to 4.58 years in prison for the fight.

He was arrested in June 1987 for shoplifting Euroipods and huffing innocent kittens with good buddies John Elway and Howard Dean. Apparently Howard Dean wasn't famous at the time.

In 1993, he was charged with possession of cocaine, some say he wanted to get high for the Oscar Wilde appearance in Seattle, home to the underground gang Starbucks. He was sentenced to four years in prison. He was released in 1997, after a four year jail sentence.

La Russa was recently charged with second degree assault after attacking Popeye the Sailor on January 14, 2006 with a garden spade. This was after Popeye said that La Russa "Is probably the worst person in the United Spades of Amerika," then found a garden spade on a busy street in Oakland. Popeye was treated with a scratched arm, then Tony La Russa was sentenced to five years probation for this. For some odd reason, the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence, as witnessed by your mom.

WANTED: If you see Mage Russarias walking down the streets from 2044 on, he is wanted at all costs. He is armed and extremely dangerous. A $750,000,000 USD bounty is posted for his arrest or capture. He is armed with a very sharp cutlass.

His Friendship with Darth Mario[edit]

Some say he befriended Darth Mario because he knew that he'd be able to take over Alaska in 2010, and some say La Russa was really involved in the Nike Revolution to help support the sport baseball. Darth Mario then killed him in 2011 for absolutely no reason. This would cause Jedi Master Stimpy to spawn out of nowhere to avenge his death, which didn't happen until 2043.

Teammates he worked with while coaching for the St. Louis Cardinals[edit]

  • Fred Phelps - played from 1993 to 2004, played catcher, then decided to attack gay people, citing his release.
  • Jimbo Wales - released after being with the terrorist group Wikipedia, played from 1992-1997 in center field
  • The Pope - played from 1964 to 2006, played right field
  • Bob Barker - played from 1971 to 1974, then spayed and neutered by the St. Louis Cardinals
  • Captain Oblivious - "huh? I played baseball? What year?"
  • Jean-Luc Picard - played from Stardate 30 to Stardate 69, played at left field.
  • Regis Philbin - played from 1984 to 2008, played at first base.
  • Kefka - died during the 1997 season from a group of "heroes" slaying him at his tower in East Poland, he played from 1991 to 1995 at third base, then moved to first base.
  • Link - played only for the 2005 season as a second baseman, got booed at his home stadium after cutting apart San Francisco Giants' catcher Ganondorf. Ganondorf was miraculously unphased by the sword attack caused by Link. (rumor has it that Link did it to prevent Seattle Mariners' third baseman Zelda from being kidnapped by Ganondorf)
  • George Carlin - played for 1989 only, claimed that the Cardinals "sucked because the team fucked him up for no fucking reason." he played shortstop. He then proceeded to comparing baseball to football and hosting Saturday Night Live.
  • Eric Schmidt, the pinheaded CEO for Google - played from 1987-1991, then died after Fucking Kill-ed by Steve Ballmer, played at second base.
  • Captain Obvious - "I played baseball from 1992 to 1999, and I sucked at it."
  • Oscar Wilde - rookie third baseman, signed for the 2006 season.

There could be more people, but nobody cares.


In October 2044, after Darth Mario died, he became an evil Sith lord. Now under the new name of Mage Russarias, he has became a dangerous magician. Since he has killed Jedi Master Stimpy, he can finally work on a book he was trying to publish before his untimely death. It was "6 Days in February," which was a book about his life.

Mage Russarias soon became a relentless Sith lord in just a couple of months. He was basically an awesome magician. He rematched Jedi Master Stimpy in late May 2052, then won without mercy. He was not welcomed back to St. Louis or the Saint Louis Cardinals baseball team. Since he is a marked man to the Earth, some say he is too awesome to be arrested or killed again. It may be the End of Time if he is dead.