Top Gear
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Top Gear used to be a motoring program programme program programme on BBC 2, but is now just an excuse for Jeremy Clarkson and James May to kill Richard Hammond, to mock him about his VERY white teeth and blow things up. It was established in 1892 reviewing horses and carriages, when the original presenting line-up included Oscar Wilde, Sir Edward William Elgar, James May and a man with a marvellous moustache. Jeremy Clarkson is especially known to hate everything but British, crappy cars and Italian cars that nobody can afford, and still can't outrun most sportscars from around the world. People who are not from the UK believe that it is some kind of expansion pack of the sims.
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[edit] Format
The format we see today was devised by the director general of the BBC, who'd seen "Last of The Summer Wine" once too often. He phased out the low-budget consumers' guide in favour of a high-budget outlet for middle aged, slightly portly presenters' desire to break expensive cars, say the word "cock", jet around the world doing expensive and pointless things, and to power slide around an airstrip yelling "power". Consequently, viewing figures rocketed from two goats in 1989 to over five million sheep in 2007.
A business which moves pianos by helicopter has recently set up near the Top Gear Test Track, however the pilots are retards, and in the process of driving a Morris Marina around the track in an attempt to show the Morris Marina Owner's Club they did not hate the Morris Marina, an unfortunate "accident" occurred, resulting in a piano falling onto the car. Richard Hammond was not too bothered, however, saying that "It wasn't like they needed a breeding pair or whatever", on the account the stig could easily fill this position.
[edit] Star in a Shitty car
Celebrities are invited to wear an unflattering helmet that, subsequently, squishes their face so as to induce anonymity, and endure Jeremy Clarkson misspelling, mispronouncing, or forgetting their names. Also, Caravans are murdered 'put out of their misery.' This is the only form of televised homicide allowed in the United Kingdom, thanks to a special dispensation from the Queen. Recent features include destroying rural England with tractors, destroying the Top Gear car park with tractors, ploughing fields at 400mph with the head of a midget whilst strapped to an upside-down jet tractor, and wooing Kristin Scott-Thomas (and the guy from Pop Idol). With pictures of tractors painted fluffy pink. 'Cos she's a lady (as is the guy from Pop Idol). Grey tractors would just not suffice. turquoise no.
The show also features on occasion some supposed "boffins", from some UK rocket cult that like strapping long cylinders filled with shredded old tires to various types of cars and lighting them, hoping it doesn't explode in their face. They do this while using fake technical jargon and the insides of a old TV as switches and wiring making the show a bit like Blue Peter but without the cocaine fuelled presenters.
[edit] The bit where we kill Hammond
In this feature, which usually appears between two to forty times per season, Jeremy, James and Luciano Pavarotti devise new methods to put an end to the life of fourth presenter Richard Hammond. As of May 2009 they have been successful 720 times.
A successful attempt is recognised by Pavarotti singing the phrase "Oh my God, they killed Richard!", which was coined by Hyacinth Bucket in finalé of the popular BBC drama "Keeping Up Appearances", where her long-suffering husband Richard died of psychonumotheria.
Regular methods of killing Richard Hammond include:
- Pushing from atop a caravan (equivalent height of The Eiffel Tower to a normal-sized person)
- Being run-over by a 1:32 scale remote-controlled car
- Voodoo doll slaughter
- Replacing teeth-whitening formula with plastic explosive
- Forcing him to be shrunk down to the size of the ant and then squashing him.
- Letting him try to drive a car 30 feet without flipping over and catching on fire.
[edit] Presenters
HowTo: Become a Top Gear Presenter
[edit] Jeremy Clarkson
19'2" tall, fat, and so very, very old not forgetting gay, Jeremy Clarkson's act consists of walking on-stage, saying "POWERRRRRR", then walking off. Oh, and some occasional driving. He has a fetish for cars and was once caught humping a Ferrari in the exhaust. He though claims that this was in fact the Cookie Monster and not him, though most people disagree with him. Police closed the case and Clarkson got away with rape. He has conducted extra-marital affairs with surprisingly short young women (like your mum), including Geri Halliwell, Ellen MacArthur and Richard Hammond, who have written couplets, poems and occasional hosannahs about his rapturous beauty. Jeremy's distinctive hair has a fan club (founded 1887) all its own, with members such as Tom Jones, Yoda, and the Brillo Pad Corporation. Scientists recently analyzed his quaff of hair and resoundingly determined the composition of his hair is identical to pubic hair, thusly explaining the similarities between what comes out of his mouth and what comes out of one's anus.
Jeremy Clarkson is also scientifically proven to be a twat, though this debate between scientists has been raging on for years. Because not only does Ol' Clarky have a disgusting face, but he also wets himself involuntarily. This would normally be a problem for the other co-hosts of Top Gear, but fortunately Hamster and the unimportant guy are both fierce perverts, and so maintain massive erections when they are around Clarkson.
Jeremy writes a column in the The Sun about cars he has driven and what generally pisses him off (foreigners, the British government, Al Gore, et al), writes a column in Top Gear magazine about cars he has driven and what generally pisses him off (foreigners, et al), and presents a TV show about cars he has driven, and what generally pisses him off (foreigners, et al). He receives three separate salaries for this, and if his employers ever find out, they are going to be quite vexed. Jeremy is often quite mocking about homosexualists, which for a man called "Jeremy" is rather suspicious. Jeremy gets his fashion tips from Tesco Magazine, then throws away his fashion tips (ouch!), steals crotch-hugging jeans off homeless men and wears them. On the show. Good grief...It has also been rumoured that in Rural Suffolk George Scott Murdered Jeremy with the aid of Oscar Wilde......
Jeremy was born on Clarkson Island where he was brought up by farmers. He now laughs at his unsuccessful siblings who were rejected for the BBC2 show, and have had to resort to working on Dave.
On three occasions Clarkson was banned from entry into the United States. This didn't bother him in the slightest, he just pissed onto it from the other side of the Canadian border.
[edit] Richard Hammond
Richard stands at a mighty 3'8", and worked as a lookalike of the cat in "Shrek 2" before joining Top Gear. Contrary to popular belief, he does not whiten his teeth, but cleans them with a pressure-washer before each show. He is well known for his entirely normal interest in dogs, as well as his puppy eyes, which he keeps in the fridge. He recently went into a coma after attempting to plough a field at 400mph with his head whilst strapped to an upside-down jet tractor. He is a judge at "Crufts" and awards points for glossy coats, moist noses and pert bottoms, and that's why he was backstage with the three shar-peis and the crate of baby-oil yelling "I am the God of All Dogs", your Honour. He also had a very brief afternoon show which was bombed badly due to his ultra bright teeth, him offending every major religion (except Christianity because the pope and him go bowling together and that would be awkward), and because he can't talk about anything other than cars and dogs.
In July 2006 Hammond married James May in a secret ceremony. May was too drunk at the time to remember it. In an episode of Top Gear in 2007 Jeremy Clarkson stated that the marriage had indeed been consumated. May does not remember that either, much to his chagrin.
[edit] James May
James is a former campaigner against balding traffic cops and often exceeds the speed limit by as much as 0.375933748 mph. He is of standard human height, although not of standard human parentage, being born of mostly spaniel. He has a lot of pictures of the Queen in his house and has refused to donate any of his hair to Jeremy Clarkson. James thinks running is a left-wing activity practised by the sort of people he wouldn't want to talk to, but people from whom he would accept free beer. James' chemical make-up is approximately 37% pie - 63% real ale. And he doesn't trust the French or Welsh. Known as 'The Most Likeable One Cos The Other Two Are Twats'.
[edit] The Stig
Some say he has a digital face, and if he wanted to, he could fire Alan Sugar. Some also say that he has life-sized tattoo of his face on his face. Others say that he knows two facts about ducks, and that they are all wrong. But some are wrong. Everybody else knows his real identity as an old sod, and so therefore is the most interesting presenter (apart from the dog, of course). However some blithering idiots (who shall remain anonymous for legal reasons, and because we don't know who they are) have put forward the following (untrue) identities of the Stig (all except for the Peter Cotterill one).
In reality, Julian Bailey is really, really the real Stig. He's a former F1 driver, although obviously not a famous former F1 driver. Yes I know, I've never heard of him either, but the Daily Mirror claimed he was the guy, so it must be true, and Top Gear have never confirmed or denied it!
So there we have it. Nigel Mansell is the Stig. Tah-dah! Glad you read this, now, aren't you... Unless you read the Daily Express, and then it's Princess Diana.
The origional black stig was replaced with a white stig, many believe that this was due (not Jew) to Jeromy Clarkson's random outbursts of racism towards the black stig.
[edit] Top Gear Dog
The dog is a Cockerschnauzer, which is half "Cocker" and half "schnauzer". Not half "cock" and half "erschnauzer", which would be entirely different. The dog sleeps most of the time during the show, thus making her the most interesting and proactive members of the cast. She is always being pulled and pushed around in a special way by cruel Hammond. There are three problems with her (the dog, not the incredibly butch Hammond):
- 1: They don't know what to do with the dog. Except for Hammond. Who has several ideas.
- 2: She is completely terrified of cars. Which is unfortunate.
- 3: She is not very fond of James May. Which is very fortunate.
[edit] Top gear stunts:
- Tried to make a car out of a boat, unfortunately James May won.
- Tried to break a Toyota Pickup and failed miserably.
- Once sent a Reliant Robin 3 thousand feet up in the air, strapped to a gigantic rocket, before failing, falling back to earth and exploding.
(It was damn funny though)
[edit] Top Gear Stuntman
- .A man if he is indeed a man who knows no fear and obviously very little about driving especially forwards. He is in fact the Stig's bastard brother Clive. Fathered after a particularly heavy night on the 2 stroke "Clive Top Gear stuntman"was raised in a caravan in Hemsby on Sea near Great Yarmouth. He learned the stunt trade raising dodgems backwards at Scratby sands and was discovered by Steven Spielberg in a compromising position in a teacup with some WD40 and a Wrench called Wendy. His first stunt job was actually as Robert Shaw's lower torso in Jaws and he later went on to be a stunt nipple for Arnold Schwarzenegger. His big driving break came when he was asked to stand in for Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy.
He settled down and now lives with Wendy the Wrench and has since fathered himself a socket set that James May has individually named.
