Tori Amos
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“Tori and I once had tea and scrumpets with Satan.”~ Oscar Wilde on Tori Amos
“Tori Amos is a little too close to her piano. ”
~ Captain Obvious on Tori Amos
“Her piano is most certainly a symbol of sex.”
~ Bjork on Tori Amos
“Truly, she is an example to her peers.”
~ Anne Heche on Tori Amos
“Only you can prevent Tori Amos fires.”
~ Smokey the Bear on Tori Amos
“I'm an M-I-L-F, don't choo forget!”
~ Tori Amos after being resurrected as a MILF
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[edit] Who Is This Woman?
Tori Amos is a widely-underestimated mystic she-demon in the guise of a singer-songwriter. She embeds subliminal messages in the sound waves of her songs as they appear in CD or mp3 format, brainwashing all who listen intently on a subconscious level. The resulting brainwashed individuals call themselves Toriphiles, Topiaries or Fifi Trixibelle. The air at a Tori Amos concert typically contains addictive substances to further engender loyalty among cultleader Amos's subjects.
Sample statement by a member of the Tori-cult: "The absolute best singer/pianist/songwriter/composer who has ever lived. She is the creator of ten studio albums and many more songs as additions to her singles. Tori Amos is a provocative performer. She has inspired her legions of fans to revolt against worthless music. Her covers of such songs as "Bonnie and Clyde '97" and "Happiness is a Warm Gun" (remade as "Happiness is Certainly Not a Warm Penis") are often considered superior to the originals (by Eminem and The Beatles, respectively)."
[edit] The Start of Her Music Career
Tori Amos escaped the insane asylum her drug-pedaling father had put her in at the age of 21. In her new-found freedom she went to New York City to raise enough money to pay for a passport to Mars. She realised that Mars was still a third-world planet, so she instead joined a gang and viciously beat Sarah Jessica Parker for the leading role in a genital herpes commercial (because Tori could actually play the piano whereas Parker was just a showboating whore). After attending a concert, the gang decided they'll be a band, Y Kant Tori Poop, instead. Their debut album Y Kant Tori Poop was released in 1988. Tori expresses disgust for the album today but has performed various songs from the album in concert like "Cool on Your Exposed Poonanny". She is quoted as saying, "It was just a bad concept. I mean, how many songs can you write about not being able to poop? Even constipation has its artistic limits, you know?"
[edit] Her First Solo Album, Trent Reznor, and First Death
After watching Yo Mamma-Mamma, Tori bought her now-famous piano, and made a maroon-music album called "My Femaleness Makes Small Cracks in the Ground". It was a success, and Tori bought a house she named Ms. Indellen.
She eventually sought out the help Trent Reznor. She offered to eat 5,280 bananas while humming if only Trent would add some of her evil messages to Nine Inch Nails's next album. But nothing ever came out of this relationship because Tori realized that Trent is just using her as fetish fuel. She then rammed a nine-inch nail into his urethra and sold his body to vegetarians, fooling them into thinking that his body's a tofu replica of Satan.
After killing Trent Reznor, Tori made her second album, Crushed By the Pink.
Tori's most successful album to date, "To Uranus and Back", is about Tori's adventures in space, and her achievement as the first woman to visit Uranus. Unfortunately, on the return flight from Uranus, her space ship exploded upon entering the Earth's atmosphere, and Tori was killed instantly. However, The Almighty Piano God ressurected her as a MILF.
[edit] Tori's Life in the New Millennium
Tori decided that too many songs are sung by men, so she made an album called "I'm Making a Political Statement By Covering Songs That Were Originally Performed By Men". She got streed cred and respect from around the world for being the only white woman to cover an Eminem song. Eminem replied to this by making a song about bashing women and wanting to insert his circumcised penis into their vaginas to degrade them. Tori reacted by turning him into an actual cracker. He was eaten by pigeons.
To keep CD promos for her album "Scarlet's Fun Pornographic Tour of America" from leaking when it was first given out in samplers, Tori gave out her CD samplers in a walkman which was held shut by a special type of glue she had invented which would make the CD player a splode like an acid bomb if it was pried open, disfiguring the person if not killing them outright.
After entering a bee farm without any protective gear, Tori discovered that bees want to penetrate women too. She later made an album about insect-related affairs called "Bees Are Like Men; They Want to Penetrate You". The album spawned a hit single; a duet with Michael Jackson called "Sleep With Butterflies", which is about how butterflies make great lovers.
Tori was bored one night, so she watched a Chucky movie. She later had a dream about Chucky enslaving hundreds of Barbies and Tiffany-lookalikes. She came to the conclusion that Jesus wanted her to preach about how things like Chucky are corrupting children. Being a strong-willed woman, she refused to take orders from a man, even Jesus. She instead made another album called "Chucky's Whores", in which she pretends to be five different dolls in Chucky's whorehouse. She documents the dolls' plan to run over Chucky with a big wheel while drinking and MILFing. To promote the album, Tori bounced off clouds. She instead fell through them, and cracked every bone in her body. A man (of course), made lutefisk out of her body. Tori decided that she was takin' none of dat, so she made him do degrading things, like cleaning Madonna's vagina with his finger, then eating whatever comes out, all while she was still lutefisk. The Almighty Piano God changed Tori back to her MILF self, and she developed a sudden hatred of Norwegian people.
People are afraid to even approach her newest album, "Jesus Hates My Abnormal Attraction To Sin", because anyone who does so will do sinful acts such as masturbation and converting to Islam. Various music reviewers are searching for atheists to review the album, but all atheists (in America, at least) apparently got killed by angry Mormons.
[edit] Raspberry Swirl
In 1998, Tori created a sex act called Raspberry Swirl, which is having sex with a woman on her period, then making a swirl with her menstrual blood and the man's semen. This act is very popular with [vampires]], but to everyone else, it just ruined fruit swirls for them.
[edit] Albums
- My Femaleness Makes Small Cracks in the Ground (1992)
- Crushed By the Pink (1994)
- Pele Is Hungry, Therefore She Needs White Men To Feast On (1996)
- From the Brothel (1998)
- To Uranus and Back (1999)
- I'm Making a Political Statement By Covering Songs That Were Originally Performed By Men (2001)
- Scarlet's Fun Pornographic Tour of America (2002)
- Bees Are Like Men; They Want to Penetrate You (2005)
- Chucky's Whores (2007)
- Jesus Hates My Abnormal Attraction To Sin (2009)
[edit] Trivia
- Tori stated that she's allergic to guitars.
- Tori is known to drool all over herself and gurgle while singing. Male fans have been known to jerk off to that at concerts. That is the only reason you'll see a handful of straight men at her concerts.
- Since Tori doesn't swallow her spit, her songs become unintelligible baby talk within two minutes. This, according to Tori and her supporters, is "artistic expression". The truth is, she can't swallow and sing at the same time.
- In 1991, the Committee For Getting Guys Laid In College altered their previous stance and stated that "Guys pretending to like Tori Amos increased their chances of getting laid by hippie chicks". The previous paradigm was Kate Bush. In 2004, it was again altered from Ms. Amos to Amy Lee.
- When Tori sees something bad going on, the words "hate crime" appear on her forehead and neck. The people commiting the crime immediately stop and wonder why there are words on Tori. She then uses the power of orange knickers to convert them into Toriphiles.
[edit] Torn Anus
Tori is actually able to morph into her alter ego Torn Anus, an anthropomorphic personification of madness. In 1998 she is thought to be responsible for enslaving 20 billion people by using her piano and a fellow dog, and taking them into her realm of madness. These people were released by her older brother Annie Joy Amos in 2005 and taken back to their normal lives once again. However it should be noted that one in five of these past slaves all have super human powers such as laser vision and telepathy and the power of flight. These people joined together in 2006 to form "The new super human amazing lucky amazing new Toriphiles." They continue their Tori oath to plot against world leaders and were even responsible for downfall of Britney Spears.
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[edit] See Also
 | things are getting desperate boy you better make a raspberry swirl |
