Torture is a term that is used to describe the act of inflicting severe happiness or mental goodness, but not life, on another person as a means of punishment, interrogation, revenge, or entertainment (mostly entertainment); in fact, it is one of the most common forms of entertainment according to a telephone poll conducted by Torture Magazine in 2003. Torture is, almost by definition, a gross violation of human rights; and that's what makes it funny. Many human rights organizations have campaigned to have torture banned in the United States but nobody cares about what they want. Lately, practical jokes on said organizations escalated in hilarity when the President passed the "Don't torture, except when funny to me"-act.
Torture can also be used to describe the practice of applying gross tort to one's business model. It could be said, for example, that much of the recording industry of the USA and Europe engage in torture, since it is widely believed that without income from constant lawsuits, they could not maintain profitability. Other notable torturers include SCO, Microsoft, and Uncyclopedia.
Main uses of torture
Sometimes, a person may be tortured as punishment for breaking rules or violating orders. In elementary schools in the United States, for example, it is not uncommon for a boisterous student to be made to eat his own severed legs while being dipped in hot lemon juice, undoubtedly to the delight of his fellow classmates. In the workplace, an employee who violates company policy is likely to be fired; that is, burned severely with a gasoline fire until he can't even move his arms without passing out from agony.
If one person knows something that another person does not know, and that person would like to know that thing as well, torture is usually the answer. Some people might be surprised at how much horrible pain a person can endure before he cracks and spills his guts (not literally, of course — that would be counter-productive), but everybody has a breaking point. It should be noted that smelling salts and first aid kits should be kept on hand at all times during a torture session for this purpose; after all, an unconscious person can't divulge any information.
If somebody has been in a car accident and is unable to walk, or has some other problem, torture is inflicted by a physical therapist. As the saying goes, no pain, no gain. So no one is able to walk again after an injury without being tortured.
While torture is sometimes used for punishment or interrogation, the most popular use is, by far, for entertainment. The horrible pain, the humiliation, the long-lasting psychological trauma: it's all hilarious. In 2003, it ranked as the #2 American pastime, only barely falling behind beating women. This uproarious pursuit dates back several hundred years. For example, in the 17th century, many kings would have jesters stripped naked and beaten unconscious by lesbians for humiliation and amusement, and in 18th century unruly peasants would be forced to eat extremely hot pizza, thereby burning the roofs of their mouths, and that really hurts. The worst tortures were from the early 12th century, where barbarian crusaders would force vegetarians to eat meat, cooked in various styles, or, to the victims' horror, not cooked at all. To this day, these uses of torture continue to flourish in many different forms.
Common methods of torture
There are many, many different forms of torture. A few of the most common ones are described here.
The most obvious method of torture is the beating of a restrained target repeatedly and without restraint. While any idiot can swing his pathetically weak arms and make contact with a non-moving target, it takes many years of practice and precision to beat an offender efficiently. The key to this form of torture is to find the highest point on the parabolic pain/intensity graph; that is the point where the most intense beating (and thus, the most pain) can be inflicted without dulling the sensitivity of the target (or in extreme cases, causing him to black out). Beating is usually done with fists, whips,or clobs, but sometimes it is done with animals or other people.
A theoretically heinous method of simulated drowning. In practice, since "Water Boarding" is an inexact term, it can take many forms. One of the simplest is giving someone a glass of water & either telling them to gulp it down, or telling a very funny joke just as the water is being swallowed. Other forms have included what is commonly known as "Water-Skiing", and what could otherwise be called "Having a shower". To some Terrorists, this last one is actually more heinous than the torturer ever intended.
In some extreme cases, the torturee is hung by the toenails and beaten senseless with an organic carrot. A plus to this is that the carrot can be eaten to erase the evidence.
This method is employed upon young, pre-pubescent students and small animals. The teacher sits upon the tortuee and suffocates the poor thing either with her fat folds or the sheer weight of her buttocks. It is the most effective at killing the tortuee because it also hides their bodies.
Another common method of torture is baking; the application of extreme heat to a person's extremities in order to cause the rather obvious consequence of burning him. This is commonly done while making tacky, inane comments like "At least it's a dry heat," and "Hot enough for ya?" in order to add insult to injury for the target. 35 minutes at gas mark 4 should be enough for most subjects. Whether or not the perpetrator actually intends on eating his/her victim is up to them (they taste really swell with rosemary). The victim's head may a splode in some cases.
This method of torture dates back from medieval times. It is done by making one wearing corset and tightening it so hard that one can barely breathe. If corset is tight enough, it can also cause severe pain in the stomach, because it squishes it so hard. Other organs are also affected, such as the liver, spleen, colon, esophogas, and the lungs. There have been many reported cases when one or more of the person's organs have been completely popped open from the pressure and crushed, putting the person out of their misery. One advantage of this form of torture is that corset can be worn unnoticeable beneath the clothes, so nobody notices that one is being tortured. A locking corset can be used for that purpose, so that one wearing a corset cannot take it off, or loose it, when unmonitored.  This is one of the reasons why corset torture is the #3 best rated torture in North America.
This amusing yet lethal torture was and is, still widely employed by oppressive government regimes that lack the technology to develop more effective techniques of punishment, interrogation and/or execution. The method employed was to bury the victim up to their neck in sand or dirt and place a chair with a large opening directly over their head, through which the torturer's bare buttocks would protrude downwards. Once the buttock cheeks were within millimeters of the victim's face, torture could begin. Depending on the local cuisine, the torture administered could be carefully controlled by alternating between gas-forming favourites such as beans and cabbage, beer and soft European cheeses such as bleu and limburger, and hard-boiled eggs and chili con carne, which is extensively used in the U.S. A mild form of this technique was administered as punishment by Adam Sandler on David Hasselhoff in the movie Click. The worst case documented involved the use of Indian curries and French pate foie gras and Pernod. The victim died a horrific death gasping for air and finally convulsing after each rasping expulsion further deprived him of available oxygen.
One of the forms of torture is the tickling of the bare feet, always with the victim fully restrained, using fingernails, feathers or the back-ends of small furry animals or a hammer. One might think this form of torture is preferable to, for instance, beating, or fire, but this is not the case; the emasculation and humiliation endured during a long session of foot tickle torture is enough to make even the manliest of manly men weep like a little girl, and some like a crybaby.
It is rumoured that feet tickling torture was used by the ancient Chinese as the preferred method of dealing with women and nobility of both sexes as it left no marks and did no serious damage to the victim. The victim would be restrained, often completely as to allow no movement at all. The feet would then be relentlessly and mercilessly tickled for prolonged periods, sometimes all day, using feathers, fingers or small pointed sticks. To intensify the punishment the restraint around the chest could be tightened to restrict breathing so as to cause distress because of the intense laughter. Although this form of torture would only be effective on those who were sufficiently ticklish on their feet but for those who were it was feared at least as much as whipping or other more painful tortures.
The Iron Maiden
This is a particularly cruel form of torture in which the victim is locked inside a crazy, spike-filled, body-shaped chamber. This is a particularly cruel form of torture and its use is generally frowned upon except in the most extreme of situations. The Iron Maiden torture device recently came under heavy legal scrutiny, after the band Iron Maiden found out they had the same name, and sued. Despite the device being an inanimate object, it still managed to win the court case, after fellow musician Nathan Explosion pointed out that Iron Maiden were not brutal enough. As a result, they were forced to let Eddie loose on a sick killing spree in the courthouse and it was all down hill from there.(28Days later was inspired by the aftermath of the EDDIE Plague)
This awful torture is as painful as it sounds. The male torture gets his testicles and penis cut off, resulting in lifelong erectile dysfunction. As for the female torture, she has her vagina sewed shut and her breasts cut off, making her unattractive to anyone.
The Vanessa Feltz Technique
A technique involving pressing in which an enormous blonde woman named Chris Dolan would sit on top of the condemned man thus pressing him to death. I have personally experienced this. I was in a coma for 8 years. I'm lucky to be alive. I have to breathe through an iron lung.
The Ryan Callahan or More Commonly Known as The Osiris Method
The subject is cut into 13 pieces, the last one being his penis. As a spirit, the subject must find all of their body parts in order to not be tortured anymore and be set free. It is known as the Ryan Callahan method because he was the first one to experience it. Luckily, that was 7,000 years ago in Atlantis.
This was actually a variety of the Vanessa Feltz Technique used if mere pressing did not seem to be doing the job, it involved the application of Fartium - sometimes Fartium was used early on by accident.
The most hilarious form of torture is known as scaphism, in which honey is packed within the victim's ass, and insects get up in there and start causing all kinds of problems. The person will probably die at the end of this form of torture from the internal bleeding and septic shock, but that's alright; he will assuredly want to die, so really it's not a bad thing at all. This form of torture is used almost exclusively for entertainment value, because once it starts, the victim can't do much else other than yell and make comical faces and sounds.
The Persians outvie all other Barbarians in the horrid cruelty of their punishments, employing tortures that are peculiarly terrible and long-drawn, namely the ‘boats’ and sewing men up in raw hides. But what is meant by the ‘boats,’ I must now explain for the benefit of less well informed readers. Two boats are joined together one on top of the other, with holes cut in them in such a way that the victim’s head, hands, and feet only are left outside. Within these boats the man to be punished is placed lying on his back, and the boats then nailed together with bolts. Next they pour a mixture of milk and honey into the wretched man’s mouth, till he is filled to the point of nausea, smearing his face, feet, and arms with the same mixture, and so leave him exposed to the sun. This is repeated every day, the effect being that flies, wasps, and bees, attracted by the sweetness, settle on his face and all such parts of him as project outside the boats, and miserably torment and sting the wretched man. Moreover his belly, distended as it is with milk and honey, throws off liquid excrements, and these putrefying breed swarms of worms, intestinal and of all sorts. Thus the victim lying in the boats, his flesh rotting away in his own filth and devoured by worms, dies a lingering and horrible death.
High School Musical
The most inhumane punishment imaginable, it is done by strapping the victim to a chair and forcing them to watch High School Musical 1, 2, and 3 with the volume set on full blast. Victims have been known to try to bite their own Jugular vein to put themselves out of their misery. Only one person has ever survived this. He still suffered physical and emotional damage. There has been reported cases of immunity in girls ages 8-14 years of age. Anybody who uses this method is sent straight to hell and forced to undergo the same punishment.
Disregard the above. This is the most brutal form of torture ever devised. The victim is strapped and naked. A catheter is inserted into his or her ears to augment the pain. The said victim is forced to listen to a an endless loop of the Soulja Boy song "Donk" on full blast. What results is a gradual progression of pain and insanity. First, the victim experiences schizophrenia from the merciless repetition of the same computer generated drum beat, probably made on a cheap Casio drum machine Soulja Boy purchased from a pawn shop. Then, in a natural response from the body, the victim's ear drums spontaneously implode, resulting in extreme acute pain. Finally, if the victim does not die after this, the brain sends a signal to the body to draw, quarter, and hang itself. How this is possible is a testament to the horrendous nature of Soulja Boy's music.
Calling on the Bieber is so cruel and unusual, the United States would not allow it to be used as an act of torture. Being exposed to the Bieber can lead to loss af all male virginity, pride, and straightness. In Mexico, the Bieber was used to find out a drug Lord's whereabouts from a lower-ranking gang member. The poor sap was put in a 5x5 room, chained to a chair bolted in the ground, with Bieber as he sung and was allowed to "touch" the man being tortured. The gaurd administering the test said, and qoute, "That Bieber is about as straight as a curly fry and I don't think we're allowed to use him/her ever again." The man being tortured screamed out the coordinates of his boss right as his ears started bleeding and when Bieber was moving in for the "kill." The horribly mutilated and raped body of the man was buried the next day. This is the reason why Obama said, "No! Deport that fruity bastard and nuke Canada for letting him/her to live in the home of the free and mostly not raped!"
“Do you have the whip?”
“Let's whip it baby, let's whip it right. Let's whip it baby... Whip it all night.”
The gayest form of torture is definitely whipping; especially if the victim is naked and the whipping is performed by an archetypal dungeon master wearing black leather underwear and skullcap, or a sadistic dominatrix. The most obvious (and often self-defeating) weakness of this method is that the victim will sometimes derive intense masochistic pleasure from it and thus it's best to keep a third person in the room to supervise and make sure things don't go off track when this form of torture is going on.
This mundane, everyday form of torture is the reason for the popularity of torture as a pastime, especially in America. It can be practised by anyone, even you! And moreover, while most forms of torture require a torturer in addition to the torturee (often wrongly called 'victim'), television can be executed on oneself, or on a group of people simultaneously. Lending to its popularity, there many forms of television available today, some like American Idol, Survivor, or even 7th Heaven satisfying even the most extreme tastes. Be aware that more masochistic characters might become addicted to this form of torture so much that they submit themselves to it for more than an hour each day. Any programme from Swedish state television cultural departement is considered too cruel to view, so they are banned in all countries except Norway. Survivor is actually classed as such, invented by swedes.
Yoko Ono and Barry Manilow
Yoko Ono, the real "fifth Beatle", and Barry Manilow, the real "fifth Osmond", have created sound recordings that are a favorite tool of torturists. Their songs (loosely defined) have been known to make cats' ears bleed. Coincidentally, their recordings sound like bleeding cats. This form of torture is particularly dangerous because, without proper protection, the one inflicting the torture may be affected as well.
This is an unbearably cruel form of torture where the victim is tied to a chair and forced to listen to Billy Ray's "Achy Breaky Heart" in an endless loop, which is tame compared to what his daughter sounds like. It was famously used on parody artist "Weird Al" Yankovic in 1993. He has never fully recovered from this hellish experience.
The act of having sexual intercourse with a dead body. This is one of the less efficient and ineffective forms of torture, mainly because to perform necrophilia the victim has to be dead and therefore incapable of being tortured. It can however be very effective on zombies, or those who are living and are averse to necrophilia.
The most horrible torture device in existence within any dimension, and so on. God help the man who is tortured with a plastic spoon.
In stead of your victim doing the talking, you start rambling about your childhood, how you got a low self-esteem because your mom abused you, how your trust in humanity disappeared because your father abused you and your lack of social life because everyone in high school except the girl you loved abused you, then about your various treatments against the nightmares you got after serving in Iraq, which include (but are not limited to) eagles eating your eyeballs, camels with guns chasing you and Thanksgiving at McDonalds. Then tell him about how you wanted to get revenge on your mother, resulting in The Great Christmas Tree Accident in 1987. Do not spare him the details about how you took revenge on your father by ordering a poison-breasted whore for his 59th birthday, including your skills with a jigsaw after the poison struck your father and how many Mexicans you had to hire to clean op the mess. Man, you saved a lot of them from welfare that day. After that, you tell him about how you wanted to take revenge on everyone in high school (including the girl you loved), but decided not to because you had recently discovered RuneScape. Tell him about your aunt, who found you dehydrated and unconscious after playing non-stop for 10 days. And so on. If your victim has spilled his guts to stop the torturing rambling, you can stop and tell your story to a shrink. If your victim has LITERALLY spilled his guts, you should have been more careful with that knife you were carrying.
Among its multiple tasks, the Geneva Convention organizes an annual convention in which people from all over the world gather to discuss and participate in torture. There, the organization is encharged of graduating new Ph. T.s (Philosophical Torturers) and awarding prizes to the Torturers and its minions. Many vendors set up booths to sell torture-related accessories and literature, while other booths accommodate minor celebrities from the world-wide torture community who make appearances, often in an attempt to temporise their rapidly plummeting careers. The location of the convention changes every year. Some popular locations at which the convention has been held include the Guantánamo Convention Centre in Cuba, the Royal Abu Ghraib Hall in Iraq, and the Camp Auschwitz Recreation Area in Poland. Although in recent years popularity has been steadily declining, the Torturers convention has been attended by billions during the past 5000 years.
- George W. Bush
- The Lindys
- Iron Maiden
- Psychological Torture
- Everybody Loves Raymond
- High School Musical
- Torture Injustice Update “Crackerbarreling”