“Someone asked me to play a concert there. I said: "I only play at towns or villes. Both is preposterous".”
Townsville is a city in North Queensland, Australia. Named by someone who was late for their bus, it is the birthplace of Carthaginian general Hannibal and home to the Powerpuff Girls. Described by many as hell on earth, the Mercury never falls below 1 million degrees. The uncultural centre of the universe, Townsville is inhabited with homophobic, racist Bogans with no front teeth who are bent on the world domination of flip flop thongs.
Townsville is the only place on the Eastern Seaboard where the Western Desert meets the sea.
Propaganda plays a big part of the Townsville atmosphere with residents recently having been exposed to the "This is the life" campaign where they were told that "You're not paid to think. A mindless resident is a happy resident. Shut up and do your job." Some residents were unhappy with the statement because as far as they knew they weren't being paid. This taught them a good lesson in thinking about things and they soon came to trust the slogan.
- The Strand: Named after the Stephen King novel 'The Stand', by a local illiterate, "The Strand" is a popular attraction for both Asian tourists and disenchanted youth. It is essentially a five kilometre length of concrete.
- Castle Hill: Used as the headquarters for International Rescue, the "Hill" is popular with joggers wanting to to be run over. At night however, this place is great if your looking for a spot to get down and dirty.
- Thuringowa: Townsville's sister city, like a REALLY fat friend, was invented to make Townsville not seem as bad. Thuringowa is a popular retirement village for people with no money and that are dumb, as nobody outside Thuringowa knows where it is. Octoberfest is the city's most popular event, running November to September each year.
- Magnetic Island: 'Maggie', as it is fondly called by the locals, is home to a mysterious tribe of cannibals descended from the childeren from Lord of the Flies, who were imprisoned there by strange the magnetic forces of the island. Ripping off gullible tourist's who hire shitbox mokes to drive the whole 5km's of road that surrounds the small but incedibly boring island that it is. While going for walks along the beach you will notice old fat pricks in nothing but g-strings sitting near groups of young teens near the rocky ends of the beaches. Once they see what looks like these kids parents these old people will quickly get dressed and walk away only later to return.
- Stockland! The musical: Starring Samuel L. Jackson as Aleh; The bad ass Stockland security guard, Stockland! The Musical was a dark horse at the 2006 Tony Awards in New York City despite being an off-broadway production. Based on the real life centre, it tells the tale of a shopping center overrun with teenagers. Featured the surprise billboard hit "Don't Hate On A Playa".
- ILG: An internet cafe. Cleverly named "Internet Lan Gaming." The moment you walk in the door you get a whiff of a strange smell. Then your eyes adjust to the darkness and you see the man sitting in front of you. He greets you with a friendly "What do you want?" as he peels his eyes from the screen. And so help you God if you ask for an hour when he is in the middle of DOTA game. The computers there rarely work. As you walk to a computer, you realise that the chair is broken and the earphones have no ears. Other customers watch you warily as you log on and wait half an hour for CounterStrike to load. In conclusion. ILG is a friendly, fun place and recommended for family and friends who love the smell of stale farts, spilt Coke and unwashed hairy fat man. The toilets are just as bad with what looks like shit stains on the floor and there are no windows or spray in the toliets so you will have to deal with the smell of the last guy who was in there. If your a student and happen to go there during school hours Rod will refuse to let you in unless you ring your parents and tell them your at ILG using Rod's phone or quite simply pull out a $50 note or two.
- Henran Park: Set right in the heart of Brownsville. Lush grass infested with shady trees, a touch of urine, and couple of battleships and somestale alcohol. If you've ever had something stolen or just like to view the local wildlife, a stroll through Henran on sunset (or doleday) is a MUST for newcomer's. Just be sure to bring a "Flaggin'" to drop on the ground in case you have to make a fast getaway. Beware of VB tins, old doona's and non-stop remarks such as, "Gizza smoke brus" or "Pucku you." A quick trip across the bridge takes you to Centrelink, a few pubs, Macca's in the Mall and the Sugarshaker. Just be sure to buy new plugger's once you realize yours were flogged.
- Kirwan High School: A School where parents send their kids either they don't give a crap about them kids or can't afford to send them to the prestigious Cathedral School. The students who attend (rarely, as over 80% of them wag) compise of: Emos, Niggers, Goths, Nerds, Footy boys, Punks, Fags, Drug dealers and more steriotypes than I care to type out. A great school to go to if you wish to be beaten, offered drugs, looked at with contempt (by the emos), sexually abused (by the principal) and beaten again within the space of 5 minutes of entering the school. Sluts at this school come in all shapes, sizes and colours.
- The Sugarshaker: Designed by an insane psychologist, the sugarshaker is a perfectly cylindrical, perfectly ugly building, That oddly looks like a giant lipstick. Everything inside is cylindrical, especially the call-girls. Think about it.
- The Mall: Most famous as being the set for Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds", the mall is a popular place for fights between carnies and American Sailors. It has five stores and 49 empty stores, interestingly enough 49 is the exact number of alcohol related deaths in the mall daily.
- Ross River: The popular mosquito infested swamp is a smash hit with tourists and backpackers, who travel from the far corners of the globe hoping to catch the famous fever.
- German Backpackers: Townsville's game reserves feature pterodactyl and German backpackers in their native habitat. Or try "Whities on Palmer Street", the 5 star restaurant famous for its backpacker steaks and backpacker surprise.
- Rock Awards: A known creator of Anti-Matter, the North Queensland Rock awards are a chance for the states youth to take drugs and drink in the presence of police. But its all about the music, although William Shatner is quoted to have said "Captains Log: Strange alien forces emitting a signal from earth, oh wait, it's the North Queensland Rock Awards."
- The Bulletin: Townsvilles local
comicnewspaper; the "Bully" as it is known to many, is actually comprised entirely of Myspace bulletins and advertisements for prostitutes. Won Australia's biggest journalistic prize for the article "PC4PC??LOL I IS REALLY BORED K GUYS?".
- The Ocean: (See The Strand) Teeming with some of Australia's most friendliest creatures, including and not limited to Box jellyfish, sharks, crocodiles, Bert Newton and Kevin Rudd.
- Annandale: A so-called suburb of Townsville, popular for the many Jewish cowboys who live in the area. Also a popular spot for large numbers of suicidal 40 year olds to be stabbed.
- Reef HQ: Reef HQ calls itself the "Window to the Reef", primarily because of the fact that all of its featured animals were poached from the Great Barrier Reef.
- Music: There is a bustling music scene in Townsville, if you like to stand at the front of the stage and bang your head up and down like a Gorilla being attacked by a swarm of hornets until a neck injury is acquired. That's pretty rock and roll.
- Yarrawonga drive:Yarrawonga drive was initially landscaped to be a prime viewing point for the 2006 followup to the infamous Boxing Day Tsunami which never actually eventuated. A prime target for sunrays and a frequent victim of eggs thrown from cars, many consider Yarrawonga drive to be paradise in an otherwise hellish city. Others consider it to be the pinacle of an extremely undesirable town. You decide!
- Paintball: Townsville has a outdoor paintball area where heat stroke is more likey then being hit by a paintball.
- Willows: A shopping centre, usually deserted until 3pm, when swarms of emos, sluts, emo sluts and gangsters come from all schools to congregate and discuss the newest From First to Last album, fashion, and to do drugs. The Willows is also famous for it's disproportionate number of grossly obese people. The most popular fashion item for the non-teenager is the cowboy hat and checquered shirt. Piped music mainly consists of duelling banjos.
- Stockland: Alot like Willows, except for the sheer amount of Emos, Niggers, Scene fags, Metalfags, Druggos, Hobos and actual shoppers (Although the latter is only 1% of the populace of the centre). Most of them stand out the taxi rank and if you are lucky, you will witness a fight between a group of Niggers and emos. usually ends up in the niggers shouting every profanity under the sun and the emos walking away and cutting themselves. A fun time is to be had by all at Stocklands.
- Global Warming: Predicted to occur 10-12 July 2009, top JCU music students have calculated it will reduce the land area of Townsville by 99.3%. At a recent press conference, Mayor Tyrell said, "Global warming is a top priority of Council, the National Powerboat Race and V8 Supercar Race are important steps towards it."
- Late Night Shopping: A weekly event that occurs on every Thursday and causes droves of rebellious youths to migrate to either of the three major shopping centres (Castletown, Stocklands & Willows) where they execute mass acts of social terrorism. Many of them (boys and girls) like to wear terrible make-up that makes them look like they are racoons or have a big black shit stain on their cheek. Aboriginals are rife at the shopping complexes, and the whites are sure to hold their wallets as they walk past and inhale the smell of unwashed Gin.
- The Airport: The Townsville International airport is a single room hut which doesn't actually have any international flights. The airport, patrolled by weirdos in floral garb, is considered impossible to find and anyone who does so is given a medal. The airport is to be the setting of the next Indiana Jones movie where Indy must find the airport to get to his connecting flight. He must go through the maze that is Garbutt and past the bums asking for smokes.
- Riverway: A pool and a fuckload of concrete and chinx that cost the city millions to build. If you're looking to get mugged or catch chlymadia without having sex, riverway is the place to go. Most evenings you will find the local nigger tribes going for their weekly bath.
- Groovin The Moo: Townsvilles lame attempt at a music festival. Set up in Lou Litser park, drinks are overpriced and there is a high chance of contracting an STD from using the toilets. Populated by fat, ugly derro sluts and thick-headed meats, there is a high chance you will get sexually assaulted or tackled by a security guard for no good reason. There is one 3mx3m smoking area and the under qualified security guards that have a IQ of 57 between them try to re-enforce smoking in the correct area. Terrible dancing and horribly dressed festival go-ers are a regular occurance and it is not unusual to be harrassed by random drunk men for smokes and or sexual favours.
- Vincent: Basically consisting of one main road, a shitload of backstreets and numerous park, Vincent is a nice place to go if you wish to be mugged in broad daylight, chased by groups of pakis with spears, chased by black men riding bikes with knives strapped to the handlebars or even psychotic demons with lethal butterknives. Vincent used to be Government housing for the soldiers' wives when they went for war, but the native coons thought a large bunch of defenseless women and their children would be good to rape and steal things from. Now you will see paramedics looking for the odd stabbed person, wars between groups of white people and black families, wars between black families and other black families from different streets, and families fighting amongst themselves. This suburb has spread like a plague, infecting numerous suburbs around it such as Gulliver, Aitkenvale and is predicted soon to connect with Garbutt to produce a super-shithole, where you can get stabbed anytime! Quite a nice place to raise a family of drug addicts or fighting aboriginals.So in summary instead of spewing out hate fill shit I should leave and find the magical land of perfect and wine about that (its not were you are its what you make of it )
Food and Drink
There are many places in Townsville where you can have a meal and contract food poisoning at the same time.
It is recommended that you stick to fast food outlets such as McDonalds, Hungry Jacks, Subway and KFC.
But if feeling brave and slightly suicidal. Here are a few places that you could visit.
- Irish Finnegans Tavern: Known to its regular (and most likely inebriated) patrons as "Finnies". The atmosphere at "Finnies" is a subdued one. People tend to sit in their own groups and bitch about their job and lives. The disgruntled bar staff will look upon you in contempt as you ask for a cold beer. The main attraction is the pool table. Watch as people fight over whose turn it is and about the rules of Pool. The food is sub-par and it is not recommended that you order the steak. They are overcooked and probably have a thin coating of semen or spit for the "special sauce".
- Cactus Jacks: Got a lot of time on your hands? Eaten just before you left for Catcus Jacks? Like hard to read menus and high prices? If so, then come on down to Cactus Jacks. If not. You will be waiting for a half hour for a plate of Nacos, that are quite meager and you will probably starve half to death waiting for you main course of refried beans and mince. The latter will probably cost you $25 just for the beans (Note: The beans are individually priced). The supposed "Best place for Eatin' and drinkin' in town" according to their advertisements. Lies. If you visit the restaurant on Palmer street you will find it quite easy to dine and ditch. Just head to the toilet and leave via the second entrance.
- Bennys Hot Wok Cafe: Located on Palmer street. Probably the most racist and stupid of restaurants. The food is terrible. Order Lemon Chicken. That is what you will get. Chicken coated in a drop of two of lemon (or what we believe to be lemon) and a meager serving of rice. Avoid at all costs. Reccomended you go to Catcus Jacks that is next door, at least you won't have to pay for the food.
- Kirwan Tavern: Located in Kirwan (FUCKING OBVIOUSLY).
Townsville is the home to some of the most hard-arse footy fans in Australia. Its also home to some of the dodgiest clubs going around:
- The Cowboys: Playing a sport based on the film Brokeback Mountain, the Cowboys are Townsville's local rugby league team even though the stadium is situated in Thuringowa. Supporters of this terrible team are comprised of 90% mental patients on day leave, 5% open homosexuals and 5% Emo kids just walking around the stadium and mistaken for fans.
- North Thuringowa Rugby League: Norths (also known as 'Stuff the footy lets all go and get pissed') are know as the alcoholics of the league, closely followed by Charters Towers Miners. To be the President at Norths it is a prerequisite to have won the drinking competition at the previous years break-up party.
- Western Lions: Lions are know as the most hated club amoung refs in Townsville. Its is typical of a Western Lions player to abuse a referee for no reason. Although seen as one of the poorer clubs (because the don't even have a clubhouse), Lions always seem to be wasting money on new jerseys each year.
- Upper Ross Rugby League: Although the last decent team disbanded and all went to brothers (the ones who could afford it) Upper Ross is still going strong. I believe they scored a try last season, however the joy was short lived when it was the wrong try line.
- Brothers Rugby League: Pussies that steal players from other clubs and think they are top shit.
""Brothers Leagues Club Kirwan"" and many other Clubs in Townsville............
- University Rugby League (The Saints): Currently Broke, again.
On June 7th, 1877, the infamous "Gin Cities" were united. The terms of the amalgamation are the stuff of local legend, however the most widely-circulated myth is that the Survivors teamed up with the Others in order to defeat the Park Dwellers. The Survivors were led by reputable Dr Jack Shepherd, whilst the Others were led by local tyrant Les Tyrrel. Most sources claim the amalgamation to have been a success, however the demise of the Park People has been mourned along the Ross River, in the Mall and on Palm Island.
Townsville is set to be the setting for the next GTA game. Events in the game will closely mirror those in real life.
Missions include: Killing ten thousand cane toads, Stealing 50 bogans' pensions, jumping off the top of Castle Hill, swiming to Magnetic Island, participating in a number of street races in vechicles such as go-karts and Wheelie Bins, graffiting an angel onto Castle Hill, swimming in the ocean during Box jellyfish season.
Features: You can customise your character. Buy clothes and "pimp" him out. There are over 9000 thongs to buy, get a singlet and stubbie pants to go with your new black and white thongs. Drink large amounts of XXXX Gold at the local pub and stumble around yelling "Ahnybody gotta shmoke?" only to get picked up by the police and put in lockup for the night. Steal some hoons shitty Skyline and drive around with your mates and yell at chicks on the Strand.
The economics of the town are of little worth.
The main export being herds of tourists that, having been tricked into going there in the first place by their handlers and the unending stream of lies and misinformation spread by limited local enterprises, make great haste in departing through the next available means. Those whose eyes cannot manage pierce the veil of deceit mingle with the locals until they are ripe for eating. In the downtime between, they buy worthless junk and engage in mighty battles with their sworn enemies, the Box jellyfish.
The running of the Bogans, not unlike Spain's infamous Running of the Bulls is a tourist event which is popular. This event happens every monday night and, through its overpriced merchandise and naive, idiotic fans, contributes significantly to the economy of the city.