Traffic lights

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Satan A.K.A James Earl Jones


The original prototype for traffic lights, as developed by Dr. I. M. Cruel.

Traffic lights were originally designed by criminal mastermind Dr I. M. Cruel, in his plan to take over the world and thereafter the universe. The original prototype featured three red lights, which would turn on and off in a set pattern. His plan was for everyone in the world to eventually stop at a traffic light and he would then take over the world government once everyone had done so, but due to the person in charge of mass-production being colour blind, he accidentally made the other two lights amber and green, which enabled road users to keep driving once a green light had turned on.

Another prototype developed by Dr. Cruel was the pelican crossing, which would tell both pedestrians and drivers to stop, and then go at the same time, resulting in the pedestrians being run over and killed by the drivers. However, in mass-production the signals to the pedestrians and the drivers were out-of-sync, meaning that so far only 100,000 pedestrians have been killed as opposed to the intended 300 million, foiling Dr. Cruel's plans once and for all.

For his incredibly evil plans to take over humanity, Dr. Cruel was sentenced to 850,900 years in jail, at which time in the future he is predicted to start going bald. Meanwhile, other villians have utilised traffic lights as a form of mental torture, labeled by the villains as 'road safety'.

How traffic lights work[edit]

The basic principle of the traffic light is to make your journey to work take as long as possible. This sounds simple enough, but how do they work? Many people wonder this and many people are ignorant on the matter. The truth behind how they work is that when traffic lights were invented Dr. Cruel wasn't sure on how to get them to change evenly. He solved this problem by training hamsters to run up and down to change the lights.

The hamsters are able to change the colour of the lights by running to the top (the red light) and eating a little snack, when they have finished the snack, the light will change to red. The hamster then proceeds to run to the bottom of the pole (the green) and eat a snack there. This process is repeated until the hamster dies of exhaustion or falls asleep. These are the moments when a traffic light is commonly known as broken, but what is actually happening is a replacement hamster is being transported to the traffic light by a series of plastic chutes.

When you see someone fidling with the the 'electric wires and all the doovie' in a traffic light, what they are actually doing is putting more food into it and making sure the mechanisms are working alright.


One downside to this way of working traffic lights is many hamster deaths. These hamsters could have been played with by little kids and everyone would be happier. However the control of traffic is more important so they are called to duty to serve their nation (which ever one that may be.) Many just ask why scientests just don't invent a way to change traffic lights with out using hamsters. This would require less food, less hamsters, and less problems with animal welfare organisations.

Another downside is the dangerous super infra-red rays emitted by red traffic lights, due to the hamster food supplies at red lights being radioactive. These rays affect the part of the human brain that controls anger, and as a result the next World War may break out if enough people are affected, of which 207,491 have occurred worldwide so far as of 17th February, 2008. These World Wars are commonly known as 'rush hour'.


Some of the upsides to this are when you acquire a live feed from an internal traffic light camera and you are able to view the hamsters running up and down. It is rather fun to watch. This however is the only upside. Still very enjoyable though.

Colours of Stoplights[edit]

There are four colours on every stop light. The most common one is red, which means: stop wherever you are even if you are in the middle of the road and a truck is coming at you at 100 miles per hour. The second most common is green, which means: step on the peddle. The third most common is yellow, except you are supposed to disregard it and treat it as if it was green. One which is only found in Iceland is the blue light, which means: turn around. It is very useful and will soon be found in countries all around the world.

See also[edit]

External Links[edit]

I like traffic lights