“It's a trap!”
“They're the greatest threat to my empire.”
“As soon I trap all the little smurfs I will finaly make my special Smurf soup! Buhahahaha!!!”
Traps (not to be mistaken with tarps, although a trap can be made of tarps) are events or objects that seem like a great idea, but screw you over unexpectedly. Murphy's Law makes good things a virtual impossibility. As thus, traps are becoming more and more commonplace. If something good happens to you, turn back, because it's a trap! Traps typically won't be noticed until you're already in one. When such happens, it is referred to as 'falling into a trap', 'tripping a trap', 'Oh shit!!', 'Wheeeeee', and 'AAAAAAAAA!'.
Making Your Trap
First, find a victim. Small children, old people, and action heroes make great subjects. Try to find a gullible victim, such as a sibling or United States President. Then, stalk them until you know their daily bowel movements. Having knowledge of their sex life may help as well. Once you have figured all of this out you can find the best place for a trap. Many people prefer a jungle clearing so that the trap is as obvious as possible. Due to the quantum mechanics of traps though, the more obvious the trap is the better it will work in trapping someone. This means that practically any trap will work on someone if you have someone tell them about the trap ahead of time.
Regarding Important Individuals
When constructing traps to catch important people, the trap's design changes. Important people include superheroes, celebrities, Jedi, and politicians. Important individuals such as these (particularly Jedi) have an animal instinct to spring any trap they see. As such, it is ever more important to inform such people of the trap you have created if you want your trap to work.
Some Examples of Traps
The Democratic Party: "Don't fall into the trap, because democrats are full of crap. Don't fall into the pit, because democrats are full of..." (You get the idea)
The Simple Box-Stick-String trap
- This erroneous trapping device follows the basic principles of equilateral rectangular prisms in conjunction with the string stick theory of 1882, which was first proposed by F. Scott Fitzgerald in his novel Mein Kampf. He proposed that when a subject requires containment, an equilateral rectangular prism can be utilized in conjunction with a stick and a string to produce a trap. What could be simpler? This is a good trap to use for most small game and a large range of different celebrities and U.S. senators. This also happens to be the trap used by Dick Cheney to capture Harry Whittington before he shot and cooked him during a teamwork-building retreat on lawyer hunting grounds in southern Australia.
The Punji Pit
- This trap is a hole. A spiky hole. An old shit hole works best. Then, take some pointed sticks, and stuff them in the shit. Commonly used objects are sharpened bamboo rods, marshmallow pokers, biker helmets, and kittens. Then cover it with leaves or dead Jews and wait for your victim to come along. When they come to investigate the smell, the camouflage will fall away and your victim will be impaled by poky things. From here, you can they use the victim for shish kabobs, smores, or mantle pieces. If you are following your American Dream and putting babies on spikes, the punji pit may expedite your goal. On the other hand, it will make those following the American Dream easier to trap, just leave it uncovered.
- This is the most dangerous, and hence most effective trap known to man. They can be used to lure their victim into any situation and force them to do anything they or their master desires. Girlfriends use their wits and tits to trap their victims, whom they have dubbed "boyfriends." If someone recommends a girlfriend to you, it is safest to assume that it's a trap and hire an assassin to eliminate this someone and the female they recommended, as to avoid getting trapped. The use of girlfriends to trap foes is highly hazardous, and you may end up getting trapped yourself. Take extreme caution when handling females, girlfriend or otherwise.
The Ghost Trap
- The gizmo used by the Ghostbusters to lock up ghosts. However, this is in less common use as of today due to the extremely dangerous probability of crossing the beams, which will result in immediate death and a wide variety of other things that generally suck. A common replacement for this trap is your common vaccum, or a shiny black box wrapped in christmas lights. Or, you could just open a portal to hell in your closet like they did in the Poltergeist movies. That works too.
- Androgyny is a term in popular use to describe the many dangers of a person who is ambiguous in gender. A person who is androgynous could be either male or female- but gosh darnit, you just can't tell! It's highly recommended that you avoid this as much as possible- unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing. Then go right ahead, I suppose.
The Death Star Trap
- Used by the Empire against the Rebels, to great success. By building an enormous superweapon the size of a small moon and saying that it isn't operational, one can lure enemies into attacking the structure, before turning it on and owning all your enemies. The downside? Thanks to a meddling Mon Calamari, it worked for all of fifteen minutes...