Treasure
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Treasure is shiny and valuable stuff that is usually found in treasure chests.
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[edit] History of treasure
Pirates have been burying treasure since the beginning of time itself, while treasure hunters armed with straws have in turn hunted it. Anthropologists have yet to determine what sort of benefits the pirates themselves are supposed to derive from this strange activity; although some suggest it is a form of altruism intended for the funding of future generations of anthropological studies.
[edit] Treasure maps
Since all pirates are highly skilled in the scientific art of cartography, the location of every treasure chest is meticulously mapped via global positioning satellites and posted to alt.pirates.treasure.buried.yarrr for the benefit of amateur treasure seekers. Every valid treasure map must contain (at minimum) the following elements: dashed lines forming a path to follow, scary names for land and sea features, and a big stylized X to indicate the location of the treasure.
[edit] Typical contents of a treasure chest
- Kittens for Huffing
- Gold doubloons
- Pieces of 8
- Pieces of 7.5
- Diamonds
- Ruby slippers
- Frankincense
- Ankle bracelets
- Trinkets
- Super Bowl rings
- Shiny baubles
- Nose rings
- Canadian toonies
- Knickknacks
- Doo-dads
- Myrrh
- Cuff links
- Subway tokens
- Fur-lined woks
- Cubic zirconium
- Sacagawea dollar coins
- Parrot droppings
- Silver-plated sporks
- Green rupies
- Red rupies (worth 20 rupies!!!)
- Heart containers
- Unhatched Pokémon eggs
- Gewgaws
- Earrings
- Crowns
- Half crowns
- Susan B Anthony dollar coins
- Authentic Lollapalooza tickets
- Weapons of Mass Destruction
- Fashion nippleware
- Cast iron anus plugs
- Candle snuffers
- Digital watches
- Roach clips
- Bong holders
- Kitten clamps
- Melon ballers
- Cheese slicers
- Assorted foil-wrapped chocolates
- Tax-free cigarettes
- Captain Crunch
- Styrofoam peanuts
- Baking soda (to absorb nasty parrot odors)
- Gold-plated dentures
- Spare eyepatches
- Gunstar Heroes
- Dynamite Headdy
- Alien Soldier
[edit] Places to look for treasure
- Landfills
- Skips
- Where X marks
- Under palm trees
- In neighbours' gardens
- Unmanned stockrooms
- Under the sea
- Anywhere that there are pirates
[edit] Places to avoid looking for treasure
- Syringe bins in public toilets
- Minefields
- Graveyards
- Chernobyl
- In other men's pants
- In corpses
- In fires
- Downtown Bagdad
