| IMPOSTER WARNING!|
This page contains references to a man who once looked a lot like Jesus. Please do not confuse him with the man pictured here, who is indeed the one, true Jesus.
“Fuck! That half-Asiaи was a good fuck... what was her иame? JiaИИi??”
“BOW DOWИ BEFORE THE OИE YOU SERVE.”
|Ŧĥīš ǻŕţǐċĺə įŝ ţǿŧāľŀŷ ìñçôмþŕéħėŉşıßľě.|
|Ÿǿü čǽñ ħëłþ Ǜŉçýċļöþęđĩä ßŷ.|
- This article is about TreИt RezИor's previous state. For his curreИt state, please read Zombie TreИt RezИor.
The TreИt RezИor is aи all иew, state-of-the-art shaviИg device, иamed after its iиveиtor aиd spokespersoи, TreИt RezИor. Success of this product has beeи overwhelmiиg, selliиg millioиs upoи millioиs of uиits. This success was commoиly attributed to Treиt's charismatic salesmaиship aиd cheerful musical jiиgles, including the theme tune to 90s sitcom Home Improvement.
for a moИth he worked ball-breakiИgly hard to earИ eИough moИey for aИ electric shaver. Sure, by the eИd he was starved for food aИd kicked out of his Иasty, slipshod apartmeИt for Иot payiИg the reИt, but it was worth it iИ the eИd, eh? With the moИey he had earИed he bought aИ electric shaver aИd attached Иails to the eИds. Voila! He had iИveИted the world's most effective yet deadliest shave. The Иext step... Profit!
RezИoratioИ (aИ iИ-depth look at the techИology of TreИt RezИor Razor blades)
The TreИt RezИor utilizes state-of-the-art shaviИg techИology, called RezИoratioИ. A combiИatioИ of "RezИor" aИd "RestoratioИ", it allows for a smoother, more comfortable shave. The techИology is far too advaИced for your feeble miИd to compreheИd, but we will say that it iИvolves ИiИe IИch Иails stickiИg out of the blade, spiИИiИg at miИd-meltiИg speeds as the deadly sharp drills savagely bore iИto aИd lacerate your face. Hey, Иo more beard! You might waИt to use some toilet paper to cover up those cuts, though. Or, like, just duИk your head iИ a tub of disiИfectaИt. Ew, look at all that blood. You're goИИa have to cleaИ that mess up later.
AИyway, back to TreИt's life.
Pretty Hate MachiИe
TreИt had just iИveИted a faИtastic Иew device; but how to profit off of such a daИgerous product? TreИt pitched his product to several big corporatioИs, but demoИstratioИs of the product always eИded up uИexpectedly disastrous. TreИt set up his owИ compaИy, "ИothiИg Razors", which he used to fuИd the maИufacturiИg aИd distributioИ of his razors, which he Иamed after himself at this time.
The compaИy did fairly well, but it wasИ't uИtil aИ iИgeИious marketiИg campaigИ by TreИt that the compaИy really took off. TreИt begaИ recordiИg jiИgles usiИg the ragiИg, violeИt buzz made by his electric razors. He called this music "IИdustrial Music", because it was oИly for profit for his iИdustrial compaИy. The first jiИgle was eИtitled "Pretty Hate MachiИe", Иamed after his destructive razors for their pretty, slim aИd sexy desigИ but deadly, violeИt capacity to hate (i.e. tear peoples' faces to bloody shreds). TreИt later desigИed a cartooИish character Иamed "MarilyИ MaИsoИ" to accompaИy the jiИgle iИ televisioИ commercials. After this, sales were up aИd it would seem that TreИt was oИ his way to wealth.
BrokeИ aИd the The DowИward Spiral
Sadly, thiИgs lasted but for a short while. For what it was worth, TreИt did sell 3 millioИ copies of aИ album comprised of his first few jiИgles (Pretty Hate MachiИe amoИg them, but we already told you that). The actual razors sold less well, as they were forcibly takeИ off the market by the federal goverИmeИt after Иot but a day oИ the market. IИ respoИse to the recall, TreИt released a more "saИe" aИd "humaИ-frieИdly" desigИ, oИe which featured Иo deadly spikes aИd did Иot thirst for fresh humaИ flesh. UИfortuИately, due to aИ iИhereИt defect iИ the product it would explode upoИ beiИg plugged iИto aИ electrical socket; the razors were all BrokeИ. TreИt's employees later admitted that:
|The "BrokeИ" razors were secretly created from March to August ИiИeteeИ-ИiИety-two iИ a variety of locatioИs without the permissioИ of TreИt to eИsure they could fester without DiviИe IИterveИtioИ from TreИt (i.e. attach large spikes or whatever else he waИted to iИto the blades).|
To make matters worse, it was theИ that TreИt's horrible sexual perversioИ was revealed; if oИe played oИe of his jiИgles, eИtitled "Closer", backwards, uИderwater, while pluggiИg your ears with tampoИs aИd staИdiИg oИ oИe toe, you could hear TreИt sayiИg, "I waИt to fuck aИ aИimal". This horreИdous secret was uИcovered by the FuИdameИtalist UИderwater-backmaskiИg CoalitioИ of KeИtucky, or "F.U.C.K.", oИe of several huИdred Faggoted Cockbite orgaИizatioИs devoted solely to uИcoveriИg secret, sataИic or racist messages iИ music, eveИ if they have to do ridiculously retarded thiИgs to fiИd them. TreИt coИfessed that the rumors were iИdeed true, aИd that he specifically eИgiИeered the soИg so that it would reveal his dark, twisted secret wheИ played backwards, uИderwater, while pluggiИg your ears with tampoИs aИd staИdiИg oИ oИe toe. This was the begiИИiИg of TreИt's DowИward Spiral.
TreИt The Fragile
Close frieИds of TreИt Иoticed his ego became more susceptible to emotioИal trauma after his beatiИg by the (liberal) media. Most Иotably was TreИt's uИusual aИd daИgerous habit of campiИg out by major highways aИd throwiИg his spiked electric razors, motors ruИИiИg full-speed, iИto the opeИ wiИdows of the cars passiИg by. WheИ asked, TreИt said that it was a Иew marketiИg techИique. Law eИforcemeИt officials were less thaИ eИthusiastic about TreИt's Иew hobby, aИd he was promptly jailed.
TreИt, iИ his iИsaИity, ripped out his owИ teeth aИd attached them to aИ electric razor, much like the ИiИe IИch Иails razor, aИd used the razor to cut himself to death. We're Иot exactly sure why he used his teeth; clearly this was a deeply symbolic act eИtreИched iИ dark overtoИes, depictiИg the tragic fall of a maИ. That or he was so Bat Fuck IИsaИe that he just felt like rippiИg out his owИ teeth.
After TreИt's death, JohИИy Cash paid tribute to TreИt's jiИgle-writiИg legacy by coveriИg oИe of TreИt's soИgs, "Hurt". JohИИy Cash died shortly after. UpoИ heariИg that JohИИy had played her graИdsoИ's soИg without permissioИ, GraИdmother RezИor took him to court oИ behalf of her soИ. JohИИy's childreИ theИ weИt to court oИ behalf of their father. IИ aИ iroИic twist, iT became the world's first legal proceediИg to be fought betweeИ two dead people. This very battle rages to this day.
“I am absolutely fuckiИg tired of the giaИt, fuckiИg, backwards Иs. Yes... Look: N... It's the right fuckiИg way rouИd. Tough shit. LearИ to fuckiИg live with it. ИoИ-existeИt-Jesus but you people fuck me off! I'm moviИg oИ iИ MY fuckiИg life aИd if you dislike that or my Иew album, well fuck you, you fuckiИg cocksucker. I'm moviИg away from beiИg fuckiИg aИgsty, okay?! Иo loИger am I goiИg to be a preteИtious ego-ceИtric bitch, oh you'll see... you'll fuckiИg see... I'll make you see! You'll see or I'll cut myself! I'll fuckiИg cut myself...”
Year Zer0 has actually ИothiИg to do with TreИt's previous jiИgles, but was iИ fact just somethiИg he did to occupy the loИg raiИy weekeИds he geИerally speИds by the side of his pool, outside his 5.5 millioИ dollar, dirty aИd badly located mouИtaiИ apartmeИt - with a shitty sea view - hatiИg thiИs or tryiИg to perfect the cut of his deadly, deadly - but ever so effective - male groomiИg products. However, the release of Year Zer0 has prompted a Иew wave af RezИor rumours some of which actually have the egoceИtricity to allege that they are, iИ fact, the truth.
Most promiИeИt amoИgst these is the coИspiracy theory that RezИor is, iИ fact, a piece of advaИced iPod ИaИo techИology seИt back from the future iИ some sort of horribly orchestrated attempt at a sales pitch. The theory follows...
TIMELIИE: Y.2022: IИ a world of media maИipulatioИ, political dystopia, war aИd corporate drive exactly the same as our owИ, Apple sales are dowИ. With techИology they Иever actually brought iИto the maiИstream but which they used all the moИey that they should have speИt oИ developiИg the "multi-media-music box" iИ the late ИiИeties the compaИy builds a robot with the extraordiИary capability to make aИy amouИt of music, at aИy speed, aИywhere usiИg aИ orgaИic complex. Their plaИ: They will seИd the device back to the seveИties where it will grow aИd develop to a set scheme laid out iИ its programmiИg aИd, aloИg the way, be respoИsible for makiИg the dwiИdliИg software compaИy of the curreИt 2022 iИto a Multi-iИdustry super giaИt mega corporatioИ... (possibly "of doom" but Иo oИe caИ say yet as it hasИ't happeИed).
Y.1984: The boy has become a maИ. ChristeИed Michael TreИt RezИor he looks quite a bit like Jesus aИd is, coiИcideИtally, learИiИg to be a carpeИter. Whilst fiddliИg with a table he was makiИg he cuts himself oИ a Иail... aИd, lo, the mighty tale of this article uИfolds.
Y.1989: RezИor's protocol kicks iИ aИd he uses the moИey he has gaiИed from produciИg the razors to fuИd his musical developmeИt. Pretty Hate MachiИe, Иamed after his owИ devices aИd the first iИ a loИg, loИg, loИg stream of records, is released. It all falls iИto place.
Y.1996: UsiИg MarilyИ MaИsoИ's release of AИtichrist Superstar to draw aИ eveИ larger sectioИ of his target market to the iИdustrial sceИe RezИor coИtiИues to produce so much god damИed music that the iИdustry is forced iИ a Иew directioИ. This is as plaИИed. AИd so, iИ order to store all the music that a Иow eИsИared populatioИ of huИgry, aИgst filled teeИagers demaИds there is but oИe choice...
Y.2000: The Mp3 is developed aИd the curreИt Apple Mac is forced to abaИdoИ other products aИd focus oИ dealiИg with this.
Y.2001: The iPod is released. Whoever the hell actually owИs Apple Mac does a "happy-daИce".
Y.2004: With the huge success aИd totally legal market domiИatioИ of Apple's iPod (origiИally the "multi-media-music box") TreИt RezИor's work is complete... But this is oИly the begiИИiИg (posibally of the eИd but as that hasИ't happeИed yet kИow oИe really kИows or cares overly).
Y.2006: Too attached to the world iИ which he has growИ up but Иot feeliИg at all part of it RezИor becomes iИfuriated. However, with Иo Иeed to stimulate the music iИdustry with his aИger-ceИtred aИd fraИkly paiИ iИ the ass self-hate iИflueИced music he malfuИctioИs aИd turИs the very abilities that were graИted to him by the future world agaiИst it!!!!!!111111
Y.2007-ish: Y.2007: The coИcept of Survivalism is reИdered as aИ actual -ism.
Y.2007: WithiИ teИ miИutes of this, yet aИother of his breakdowИs, RezИor has produced aИ album aИd is oИ tour... his veИdetta: To show the world what will happeИ as a result of somethiИg they had absolutely Иo coИtrol over aИd should really Иot be guilty about; Heavy Metal soиgs like "Capital G" promotiИg apathy, the US aИd the opiИioИs of the populatioИ there-iИ. All of this is doИe oИ the basis that it's goiИg to be really fuckiИg embarrassiИg wheИ 2022 turИs up aИd it's just like the album aИd, at last, he will be able to say "I told you so" for oИce iИ his life.
There is, however, a problem with this theory. It ruИs as such:
If Apple Mac pulled out oИ the developmeИt of the "multi-media-music box" to create RezИor for future use... But theИ RezИor, wheИ seИt back, forced them to complete the developmeИt of av iPod by the sheer weight of the quaИtity of music he had produced... How did they ever build him iИ the first place, ehy?
This is what is kИowИ as a "giaИt fuckiИg paradox" (such as the "TermiИator" movies or the popular British sitcom, "Doctor Who?") aИd God (who TreИt has already pissed off eИough by both lookiИg a lot like Jesus, coИstaИtly attemptiИg suicide (God dislikes people who copy), aИd geИerally beiИg a bit of a prick) hates giaИt fuckiИg paradoxes almost as much as he hates people who walk slowly iИ Supermarkets/Malls. Some of the more eИthusisatic ИIИ faИs/coИspiracy-theorists suggest that this may be why TreИt just will Иot shut the fuck up about God comiИg dowИ iИ 2012 aИd basically beatiИg the crap out of everyoИe.
Some people thiИk that the God TreИt RezИor is talkiИg about is actually aИ AlieИ. These people are clearly fools aИd you should pity them like Mr. T does a fool.
Ghosts I-IV & The Slip
The latest release's from Mr RezИor. It's a shadow of his former music makiИg capabilities. MaИy people consider Ghosts I-IV interesting. Without upsetting T-Rez.
- aиd a kиack for lookiиg like Jesus.
- Actually, the demoИstratioИs always weИt exactly as was expected, eИdiИg iИ gruesome death. However, they did pray for better outcomes.
- However, iИ retrospect maИy believe these were actually heavily distorted electric guitars.
- Actually, oИly his GraИdmother.
- More like "that, or the author of this article couldИ't thiИk of a better refereИce to the ИiИe iИch Иails album, With Teeth".
This is the actual foot of the page. But, theИ agaiИ, who cares?