Trombone

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A stereotypical trombone innuendo
Glenn Miller, one of the most famous trombone players ever.
“Being a Trombonist is like having a big dick, except you are morally obligated to present it to everyone.”
~ Woody Allen on Trombones

Somewhere deep in the fires of Mount Doom, a sinister instrument of badassery and awesome was being forged by the Great Cthulhu as a present to Azathoth on his birthday. This instrument was simultaneously to become the world's most feared weapon and most desired sexual companion, being infused with pure essence of "Balls." However,in his foolishness, Azathoth threw the instrument at the least important thing in the Universe: Earth. The impact of such a powerful object with Earth resulted in such things as the extinction of dinosaurs and the creation of the Moon; again, nothing important. It was later found by The Esoteric Order of Dagon. Few knew of the destructive power this device truly contained, except maybe Yog-Sothoth for Yog-Sothoth knows all. Many names were considered for this instrument, "God," "Testosterone Bacon Dickmeat," and "Pure Fuck," among them. Ultimately, the new instrument was christened "Trompwn." Later, when the mighty, unconquerable "white" race discovered it in a German brothel, its name was bastardized to the only-slightly-less-awesome Tombstone "Trombone or Trombwn." The true story is that in the hottest pits of Hell, Mothman who used the bones and souls of the dammed,commissioned by Jesus, the shape created by the Green Lantern, the metal forged by Thor, and finally put together by the roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris, and blessed by ancient Jewish blood rituals fifteen thousand years ago. Because of this whoever plays this almighty insrument will be indestructible and able to bend the fabric of the universe itself.

It is rumored that it was actually first rediscovered by The Deep Ones and given to The Esoteric Order of Dagon as a reward of thier loyalty to Father Dagon.

Contents

[edit] The Trombone's Calling in Life

The Trombone was created after the existence of the Trumpet plagued the earth for thousands of years. The main purpose of the Trombone was to fight off the Trumpet infestation. The trombone's deafening "Loud Sonofabitch" (aka: pedal tone) is undefeatable. The only thing that could ever combat the "Loud Sonofabitch" (aka: pedal tone) would be if all the Trumpet players in the world teamed up and fought back with their own deafening blow of the super high in-tune quadruple C. This maneuver is called Piercing Motherfucka. But, we all know that won't ever happen... (It has been noted that this has been attempted once before, and the trumpet exploded. Sadly, video evidence of this has been lost to time, as any video recording devices could not have been invented until the 20th century.)

[edit] Mating Rituals of the Trombone

While the mating habits and preferences of the female trombone are sketchy and dangerous to research (particularly if said female trombone is possessing metaphorical band balls), the patterns of the male trombone are fairly easy to predict. Most male trombone players are strongly attracted to female choir members or spot fillers (if belonging to a marching band). They are extremely territorial and have been known to shove mouth pieces up the asses of other males imposing upon their mates. The mates of male trombones have been known to be able to get away with anything. This is probably due to the fact that trombones are so awesome that any female with the power to seduce one is supreme among women and can therefore control anything. Female trombones like to de-masculate men in any way possible. Since she already plays a very testosterone (and badass) filled instrument she will find any way possible to take down the opposite sex. This may get her the nickname "bitch" but keep in mind that she's trying to find a suitable mate that will "put her in her place". Female trombones secretly want to be controlled, they need a man that can come up with more snarky, sexual references, than she can. Otherwise don't waste your time. Females trombonists are also very territorial, in the sense of her own body. She's quick to shove her trombone up any guys ass if they try to place their hands anywhere near her, without consent.

[edit] Trombone Players (and Sections)

As a trombone, it is absolutely necessary to make at least one subtle sexual innuendo every ten minutes. If this fails to happen, the world will--most certainly-- carry on as normal, but everyone else will be very disappointed in you, because "fuck that guy." [citation needed] Some of the more common jokes are:

  • If you're happy and you know it, raise your bone!
  • I've got an enormous erection!
  • Hey guys, wanna bet on how many mouthpieces I can fit inside this trumpet player's anus before I get arrested?
  • We do it in 7 positions! (8 if you like it on the floor!)
  • FUCK!
  • I like cake!
  • My boner is bigger than yours!
  • Isn't this great? My wang is as hard as a prosthetic leg!
  • You've been boned.
  • FUCK!
  • Long! Loud! Lubricated!
  • FUCK!
  • Like my boner!?
  • Strength Through Length
  • Strong and Wrong

NOTE: It is customary and recommended for a second trombone player to add the phrase That's what she said to any joke.

[edit] A Description of a Typical Trombonist, or Tromboner

Typical badass jazz trombonist Buddy Dwyer gave his mind-blowing televised final performance in 1987.


Boys: Almost as awesome as Winston "Badass" Churchill in bed, they are often compared to "OH GOD, DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP, RIGHT THERE, THAT'S IT, OH GOD IT'S SO BIG." [citation needed] They are also awesomely loud talkers. When not playing the instrument, trombones (and their players) can usually be found participating in threesomes, kicking ass, neglecting to use condoms, being awesomely irresponsible, throwing rocks at the elderly, putting KY Jelly or IcyHot in other people's mouthpieces, kicking ass, making obscene amounts of money, or reading in their personal studies on the origins of testosterone, phallic symbols in everyday life, and the [http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=beatass/ proper techniques for kicking ass.

A glimpse of the first trombone, forged deep in the fires of Mount Doom. Not to be confused with Excalibur. That is the black magma of Mount Doom, and the hand wielding the Holy Bone is assumed to be that of the long extinct Bonum Badassus breed of super-human.

Girls:Typically refered to as "Boneita's" or "Trombone Divas." Are generally are not relevant to a true section of trombones. Primarily, this is because they have a "Vagina," and thus lack "Balls," a key component of trombone assembly. There are, however, a number of female trombonists who are known to possess the much-sought-after "Metaphorical Band Balls". These mystical figurative testes bestow upon their owners extreme powers of badassery and awesomess, and any female trombonist who happens to have them is generally viewed as a goddess (both musically and sexually). In general, though, female trombonists are few and far between. Most keep a spare set of Balls in their lockers, "in case you forget yours." [citation needed]

While all trombones (even those goddamned piccolo trombones) are most commonly defined as "definitely fucking awesome," <citation needed> not all trombones are created equal. The rank of a trombone player is determined by his proficiency, the depth of his lowest pitch, and his number of triggers. However, all trombone players are considered "fucking better than eveyone else, in particular those unlubricated assfuck trumpets and bastard-child woodwinds." <citation needed> This means that a contrabass BBb trombone, which plays notes in the same range as a tuba, is often referred to as a "Jesus Christ what is that noise" and "Goddamnit that thing is loud as balls, can anyone see where that's coming from." [citation needed]

[edit] Trombonist Classifications

There are many general classifications of trombonists They are as follows:

1. The Tromboner: This is what the average trombone player is known as. They are usually loud and outspoken. They have an enormous amount of section pride and like to let everyone know it. The personality of this group of people ranges from emo, to gangsta (the unliked one), to country boy/girl. They tend to get along with those with similar interests, and all other trombonists, even if they don't share interests. To be heard very clearly, they usually like to "stick my tongue in there and just fuckin' go for it, man." [citation needed]
A common tromboner, in a typical state of arousal. Identity concealed in order to maintain element of surprise in ambush situations.

2. The Leader: This person is born with the innate ability to make kickass car sounds using a trombone, and would never be caught dead playing Pachelbel's "Canon in D." Therefore, this person kicks more ass than your father ever will, and is the natural leader of the trombones. Often endowed with a magnificent beard.

3. The Talented Player Who Never Practices: Somehow, this idiot is good enough to be in the top band and get first parts all the time yet he never fucking practices. Often the target of section envy.

4. The One Who Should Have Been an Aborti... er... drummer: A guy with a huge ego (though unaccompanied by a matching penis), who can't really play but blows chunks to fake it and is always in desperate need for attention. He makes loud, inappropriate and non-humorous comments at regular intervals. The rest of the group usually pities his struggle for identity, considers him "kind of a dick, I'll bet he listens to The Cure," [citation needed] or flat-out hates him. But this person is still a trombone and thus, is better than you.

5. The Nerd: Refers to slide as sword or "Feasting Horn". constantly refers to D&D or Halo. most often found taunting saxophone players by chanting "Roll for damage" and "EPIC FAIL!" whenever they screw up.

6. The Bass Trombone: Usually the tallest in the section primarily for the need of having lungs and balls down to their knees so that they can play louder than the rest of the section. There is generally only one per ensemble, thus making them first and last chair because they are that Fuckstanding (Fuck + outstanding). Their trombone is always bigger than all others, therefore making them more elite in the eyes of all that bow down to the superiority of the most sacred trombone. *Note that the Bass Trombone also may come in a rare form, the Douche. He thinks he is better than everyone else when in reality, he was given the instrument because it has easier parts to play. When the Bass Trombone is a douche, his instrument does not match that of his genitalia.

7. The Apathetic One: Goes along with any leadership, even from a Bonita. This rare person has little to no ambition, could care less about most things, plays only sucky video games. Commonly harassed by bass clarinets, and is commonly refered to as "Club Penguin" because of how he waddles when he walks.

There are six trombonist classifications that only apply to Boneitas. Generally, only one or two of these will ever be present in a given section at a time, unless in the rare case that they are combined in one person (in which the said Boneita with the combined classifications is considered a Boneita Goddess and hated on by the boys who envy her):

1. The Section Mommy: Often the 'nice section leader.' She's a "Fuckin' Beast" on the trombone and will "kick your ass into Swaziland if you hurt anyone in my section, I might also rip out your goddamned throat." [citation needed] Her maternal instincts are strong, so she's often found teaching the freshmen/sixth graders how to march, play, and "make smoke bombs and shit."

2. The One That Sucks (in every sense of the word): Cannot play or march, but practices frequent and varied copulation of ferocious intensity, generally only to add to her impressive library of venereal diseases. Known biohazard, yet protected by PETA. Do not approach without FDA permit.

3. The Bonerette: Female version of 'the tromboner'. In fact, the only difference may be her vagina in most cases. The Leader or The Tromboner likely has a crush on her, purely because it is rare that he finds a woman who shares his interests as much as she does. Typically mixed with one or more of the six Bonita personas.

4. The One That's TOO Quiet: Everyone else is a bit afraid of this one, often referring to her as "that weird bitch. I'll bet she's best in the section, though, and a boss at video games." [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Can often be found staring quietly into corners. Probably has a crush on The Nerd or The Apathetic One but too shy to talk to him.

5. The "guy": the rarest characteristic of the Bonita, this small group of boneitas have had the great privilege of being blessed with the "metaphorical band-balls". Not much is known about these people, as their MBB's give them extreme badassness and power in the section, and therefore they will not be quick to blurt it out to just anyone. However, if you have enough courage and stupidity to claim you have more balls than them, they will quickly (and gladly) prove otherwise. This makes them the "guy" of the section, and not right for mating with other trombones.

6. The one that doesn't fit in: Most of the time the girls in the band do not associate themselves with the trombones and would gladly steer clear... way clear. But the same is also true for some girls in the trombone section. For some reason they don't partake in the ceremonial handshake of the tromboners and every joke their male sectioniers make is considered either rude or not funny. These people are very messed up in the head and must be exiled at once, lest they contaminate the entire section, which may lead to their extinction.

[edit] Things trombones Do To Show Their Awesomenicity

A group of Boners (with Tubist) using subtle wordplay for comic effect.
File:Trombone tuba.jpg
A Trombone takes on the "Dragon of Instruments" a Sousaphone.
  • Devise songs such as the F-A-G song, which consists of playing the notes F-A-G in a series of rhythms to piss off the Good Sportsmanship League. When five trombones are present, the trombone "one finger wave" must be assumed. Also has cheers like the B-O-N-E-R-S cheer, which is also a small iteration of how awesome they are.
  • Kick lots of ass out of spite, because they haven't gotten action within the last twenty seconds.
  • Rape others with their trombones by sticking their slides in the asses of anyone lucky enough to be in front of them. Also called "Credit Carding" or "Scooping"
  • WAMP-WOW
  • Potentially kill off an entire ensemble. The Trombone's slide is actually a WMD, giving a single trombone more nuclear influence than Australia. Those who have any intelligence whatsoever avoid these at all costs, and most other band members end up with huge bumps on their heads and/or genitalia.
  • Do it in seven positions. Eight if you like it on the floor.
  • Act gay towards clarinets and stalk them in High School.

[edit] The Trombone Ten Commandments

  • Thou shall hate thy trumpets, for thou knoweth trumpets is bad
  • Thou shall show how divinely awesome thou is
  • Thou shall always buzz in thy neighbors ear
  • Thou shall make friends with thy clarinets (even through they are annoying)
  • Always smear the tubas
  • Thou shall always attend marching band
  • Thou shall impale rebels
  • Thou shall honor Darth Vader, awesomeist of all bonists
  • Worship thy Bass Clef as Gods
  • Empty thy water key on the flutes
  • Always laugh at epic failure of others

[edit] Things That are 100% True About All trombones

  • All trombonists have the innate ability to act massively homosexual towards each other; however, most of them are not actually gay. Girls will often act massively sexual towards everyone, no matter the gender.
  • Elder Trombonists have a longer right arm.
  • The collective noun for trombones is 'curry'; for example, 'A curry of trombones is exponentially more badass than a single trombone'.
  • Trombonists are often known to be easily persuaded by the prospect of free stuff and will often mow down other instruments if there is free food in the vicinity.
  • Trombones are better than every section in the band, even the trombone section. This is a quantum paradox

[edit] The Trombone Handshake

All Trombones are required to perform the "balls" trombone handshake (U.S. Patent No. 5,507,334) on a regular basis. To perform this hallowed greeting, a trombone of lesser rank must approach a trombone of higher rank and initiate by saying "Hey ________, pass the balls!" The superior trombone must then extend his half-cupped fist, knuckles down, back of hand forward (representing dangling testicles), and loudly ejaculate "BALLS!" as the inferior trombone, palm up, performs a tickling/fondling motion on his superior's symbolic balls. This asserts both the players' masculinity and trombone ownership.

[edit] Trombone Gatherings

Sometimes, purely to reaffirm their most singular and unique levels of badassery a trombone section will have a gathering outside of the normal rehersal times. It is usually hosted by the section leader, who will also decide what will happen at the gathering. These gathering go under many different names, such as a "Boner party". Exactly what happens at these events is not known by anyone execpt the most senior boners. However it is rumoured by other sections that activities include:

  • Carrying out menial tasks associated with the maintenance and upkeep of trombones such as lubrication.
  • Indulging in unadulterated consumption of lubricant.
  • Stealing Children.
  • Routine mocking of woodwind players.
  • Breaking Clarinets. And the people who play them.
  • Fire jumping
  • Looking up obscure words such as "natterjack" and "pannychous" and promptly use them in daily conversation.
  • Paleontology Conventions.
  • Destroying small planets with pedal notes.
  • Lubricating their fellow boners boners.
  • Waterboarding French Hornists
  • Playing really loud just to to piss off the neighbors and other related acts of badassery.
  • Teasing and annoying flutes
  • Stalking people in their own band

[edit] MiC (Made in China) trombone

A cheap-Chinese knockoff of a real Trombone, the MiC trombone differs from the real deal in terms of out-of tuneness.

It can only be played by Asians, and then not very well.

[edit] Note:

Trombonists or tromboners may act incredibly shy to people if given the chance, and if the trombonist is gay or lesbian, and in the company of a a fellow band member they have a crush on, they may be even more so. Also, trombonists, no matter what they are are all truly loyal to their instruments. In some cases, if a past member moved on to High School or College, and they have a sibling still in band, the trombonist in particular if they like the older sibling would try to reach out to the younger sibling. But, in the presance of both or more siblings they (trombonist) would stiffen, and if the younger sibling sees it, and especially when the older sibling they have a crush on gets closer, you as the littler sibling should assume they like their older sibling. It dosen`t matter if they are boy or girl, "love" has no boundaries in this case. Because love is weird. And so are trombonists.

[edit] See also


Band Class
Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell
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