Troy (person)

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Troy, the 3rd illegitimate son of Jesus Christ is father to a murdered son, and husband to a murdered wife. For the past 14 years, he has sworn vengeance, though is adamant that it will be in this life, and most likely not the next, where he hopes to relax in a deckchair with a Cuban cigar and discuss marxism with Ghengis Khan. He was also a member of the 101st Airborne Division

Providing the world with tales of his legendary adventures, heroic feats against Mongol invaders and funding the construction of the George Bush Themepark, it is no wonder Troy currently has 13 cities and a newly discovered sea creature named after him.


Early Years[edit]

Troy was born in Israel in 1344 AD, in the bowels of a ship set to depart for the Czech Republic. His father had sadly passed away over a thousand years before, and due to his mother's extended pregnancy, Troy was born a fully grown man, and the birth proved so difficult that his mother was annihilated in the process (harsh).

Troy then spent the next 6 years on board the ship, where he was taught sword-fighting and marketing skills by the ship's captain, Adolf Hitler.

After 6 years on board, the 2nd Officer of the vessel, Pope Benedict XVI (who was then called Bernard) was analysing the sea charts and noticed that the Czech Republic had no coast, and they would have to turn back. Adolf disagreed, and suggested an alternative means by which to reach it, involving several hundred years in hiding, a blitzkrieg attack on neighbouring Poland and an orphaned horse with no name. Troy however, did not like the plan, and instead chose to swim from their current location near Canada to Greece, where he hoped to set up a sword-fighting academy for the underachieving children of wealthy aristocrats.

After a 4 day swim in the Atlantic, Troy fortunately came across a Bavarian Super-whale, which offered him transportation to Greece in return for directions to the River Thames. Troy gladly accepted the invitation, and it was in the stomach of the whale that he met his future wife, Jennifer Aniston. They concieved a child whilst travelling in the whale, who would later grow up to become Nirvana's frontman Kurt Cobain. But until then he was stuck with the name Terrence.

After a year of travelling inside the whale, they arrived on the island of Crete. Here, Troy pointed the whale in the right direction for the River Thames and hurried off into the mountain with his girlfriend and child. The couple were soon wed, in a ceremony conducted in a cave by a Che Guevara impersonator named Pastor Richardson, who they had discovered whilst picking berries one fine day.

However, Troy's life was torn apart when he arrived home from hunting one day, to find his wife and child were dead, after being ripped into pieces by a runaway combine harvester, one of the early inventions of Plato. To this very day, Troy searches the earth for Plato, so that he may destroy him with his 'mighty fist of doom' as it became known after his encounter with a gay puma in 1408 AD.

Consequently, Troy became furious, and after seeing several anger-management therapists, he slayed them all and departed for mainland Greece. It was in Greece that Troy began his life of crime, creating the first Mafia and slaughtering all who got in his way, including 11 pensioners and a small alsatian with only one eye. After 17 years, Troy had become the most feared badass in all of Europe and Euthenasia. He frequently visited both continents in order to supress his mighty rule and collect his mail.

Middle Years[edit]

At the age of 122, Troy disappeared from Greece, leaving his close friend Alexander the Great in charge of his armies. Nobody is entirely sure what he did after his disappearance, though several reports said he had ascended to Heaven to be with his father, Jesus. However, most historians dispute this claim, due to the fact that Heaven did not officially open until 1766.

Later Years[edit]

Troy's later years are well documented, as he re-emerged on the 7th October, 1900 under the name Heinrich Himmler. He later went on to become Reichsf├╝hrer-SS, a position appointed to him by his old friend from the first 6 years of his life, Adolf Hitler. However, contrary to popular belief, he did not die but in fact roams the Earth disguised as an Albanian monk, with only a metal rod for comfort.

In The Media[edit]

Several films have been made about aspects of Troy's life, such as Troy, Schindler's List and When Harry Met Sally.

He has also been featured in several documentaries and TV interviews, though he now declines to take part in the latter, after developing a fear of cameras when his paranoia worsened after his greenhouse caught fire in March 1987, burning his entire collection of plants.

See Also[edit]