Turd
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King Seamus the Turd (1313-1331), commonly known simply as 'Turd', was a king of Ireland in the Middle Ages.
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[edit] Early Life
King John the turd was a happy turd, and a happy ol' turd was he. But one day that changed. He was walking to the kitchen, when he tripped over his landlady's cat, Mr. Flufferbutt. Once fallen, he cried to his wife, and these are the same words he said." damn it woman, get me my 12 guage!" after that, neither John nor the cat nor his woman, were ever seen again.
[edit] Ascension
In 1321, Turd's father died of the Blight, and Seamus the Turd became King of all of the Irelands, even t'at one over t'ere. His first official act was to ban Britain, this was widely seen as both economically necessary and fun.
In 1331, Turd faced the most difficult challenge of his reign. It looked like it was going to overcome him, and ultimately it did. Because it killed him.
[edit] The Challenge and Turd's Legacy
The challenge that faced Turd was an epidemic of the Blight, an ailment that causes Irishmen to become too full of food and ultimately turn into potatoes. Turd's response to this challenge was brilliant. Using his 31337 gene-splicing skillz he gave Irishmen the ability to shit, an ability that had long been taken for granted in Mainland Europe and Birmingham.
Selflessly, Turd tried out this new therapy on himself first, at first it seemed to work perfectly and the cure was passed on to the population at large. However within 24 hours Turd's body rejected the cure and he shat himself to death. In honour of Turd's sacrifice, parts of the world to this day still refer to human solid waste as 'turd'.
[edit] The Turdish Uprising and the Founding of Turdistan
So legendary was Turd in his time that subsequent King Seamuses giant cock could not live up to his image and thoroughly pissed off a large portion of the population. Proclaiming loyalty to Turdish ideals, several thousand people gave the finger to whatever Seamus was on the throne at the time and sailed east where they established a new nation known as Turdistan. Turdistan existed as an independent nation for over five-hundred years before being merged into the Union of Seriously Dumbass Republics conglomerate in a hostile takeover bid.
[edit] The Invasion of Our Swimming Pools
The Turd's Legacy lives on today in spirit, whenever someone shits in a pool, it is said that "The Turds are invading". Babies carry the turds in their systems as a disease, and release them into their natural habitat, the pool.
