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The main street of turku during business hours.

“Next time you think a bird crap on your head, make sure its white.”

~ Oscar Wilde on turku


~ Oscar Wilde on food at Näsinneula

turku is a very special city. Even the name of the city is unique, as it's the only name of a place in the world that begins with an un-capitalized letter.


On the contrary to popular belief, turku is not a city in Turkey, but a city in Finland, between Vammala and Homola, ruled by Matti and Teppo. It is also known to be a cold-air balloon cruising at an altitude of 1337 ankles over Finland, although nobody has actually seen it, because it has dedicated bureaucrats with the invisibility gene, who constantly flap their arms to hide turku's actual position. This is done to prevent the inhabitants of Finland throwing living sausages at turku. Legend says the balloon is filled with Oscar Wilde's breath. turku has a population of 20,852 as of 2005 A.C. Most of the ballooners work with garbage disposal, and are known as "ballooners who work with garbage disposal". turku is also commonly referred as ass of Finland and some say it's the best one. Currently, turku's population consist of mainly drunken students that blame their hideous illness on being exchange students.


According to secret records of GAY's, turku was probably founded by Dave Lindholm, notary public of then-imperial Finland, by the end of the Stone Age. Another theory states that turku was a spin-off series from the Alpha Centauri-based sitcom about five mischievous laundry midgets, who had the nerve to call themselves "The Buddies", only to be sued by MPAA and some other totally irrelevant communist bands for violating the 8th amendment of the TV-law.

For the first few years of its existence, turku was actually a city located in the northsouthern lakeside of the country, but due to some unforeseeable political disputes, it was sawed off from Finland by vicious elderly folk of Tampere and a bunch of citizen-wannabes also known as students with a gigantic robot saw built by a Portuguese corporation called Liebherr. This event also included a misfortunate incident with living sausages, which resulted in quite a lot of casualties. To prevent turku from sinking into the mud abyss below it from whence it came, the townsmen decided to build a balloon to attach turku to, and flew away. According to eyewitnesses, it was a good year. To this date, Tampereans have tried to annihilate turku by shooting randomly at the skies with a photon cannon called Näsinneula, which by the way sports an excellent rotating restaurant at the top of it. This restaurant is located 666 meters from sea level and 777 meters from ground level.


Turku's, I mean, turku's inhabitants are commonly known as turkunians or turkustuoises. They are all clinically depressed and alcoholics, this can be proved by an empirical research conducted in one famou's turku's nightclubs. ie dynamo. turkunians love dogs because they love dog poo as an excuse for getting to know each other in what is called turku's annual dog poo convention. There lonely turkustoises meat each other through the poo thriving competition.

Adverse effects to the entire nation[edit]

It is believed that the Finnish McDonalds, also known as "Hesburger" originated from turku. We managed to smuggle an agent into their organisation and were able to learn from him, that this is actually a cunning plan to attempt to control the thoughts of the Tampereans to shoot their photon cannon a bit less.