The Turnip you imagine is probably the one used in Russian soup and in making high explosives. In fact the Turnip is so much more. It is the reason the World exists; and all it wants is your life. C'mon, is that so much to ask? Only and handful have embraced the Turnip, and they were granted Das Eternal Wank by the patron Saint Turnip. Give the Turnip your soul and you shall be spared.
The Unknown Origin Of Das Turnip
Only one grimoire about the origin of The Turnip is in existence; its pages made from the skin of many Turnips. It tells of the first believers: Laurence Fishburne, Nelson Mandela and Fred West; and of their Crusades in Canada to accuire rich Turnip growing soil. They were forced to raid many villages for compost, but they succeeded eventually and made the first Church of the Holy Turnip around the time Baby Jebus found strange changes happening to his body. Sadly the history of Das Turnip is lost in the fermented pages of time; until the 1950's, when Turnips came to England.
Репа находит Скалу.
The Turnips began appearing around England when a returning group of of Explorers brought back Turnip root. The de-bowling of Turnips was consider a major offence in Turnip Worship, and it is imortant to understand that, after the Turnip had embraced England with its presence, the explorers were Turnipped to Death. Stephen Fry, a young man at that time stumble upon Das Turnip when loitering in a neighbours garden. He bought specimens to the labratory and they strange vegatables were named, The Turnip. Of course examining Turnips without respect is condidered a major offence; so Stephen Fry and the professor involved were later turnipped to death.
In the early 60's a young man had the blues, until he foung Turnip. This man was Keith Moon, the first man to not abuse Das Turnip. He embraced the Turnip, and The Turnip gave him powers to drum like a motherfucker. When he was in The Who he introduced the Turnip to Roger "I'm a Boy" Daltery. Together the rekindled the embers of the Church of The Turnip, and the Turnip became the primary religion for future Rock Stars.
“Hendrix speaks, but Turnip listens.”
The Turnip gave Rock Stars eternal Happiness; some devoting their lives to The Turnip. Their experimentation gave birth to a whole new breed of sexual Turnipping, Turnip Huffing, Grade A Turnip and killing the carrot worshippers.
“What's the point on worshipping carrots? they improve your eyesight true, but what the hell is the point of that when your vegatable God demands you wank at least eight times a day in it's honour, thus improving your eyesight is completly fucking pointless.”
The Turnipping 70's
With the help of Turnips, AC\DC was born; and the Turnips saw that it was good. The Austrailians were Turnipped to death until they allowed the Turnip to colonise Australia; then they were Turnipped to death again. The band KISS attempted to abuse the Turnip, but were not turnipped to death oddly. Due to the high amouut of Turnip in their bloodstreams the esteemed Keith Richards chopped up KISS and huffed them for their turnip. The religion was on all continents and their churched were full of Rock Stars, masturbating for The Turnip. The sexual shape of the Turnip allowed extreme fantasy, unlike the carrot, which is shit.
The 80's and the Decline of The Turnip
In the 19AT's the religion was begining to dwindle, due to it's followers overdosing on Turnip pleasure and dying. The likes of Keith Moon and the Who, AC\DC (Minus Bon Scott, who had passed to The great Turnip), Gun's and Roses without Axl Rose, who had been Turnipped to death and Black Sabbath remained. Unfortunatly the bastards at the carrot church created a 'synthasizer,' which made rock stars all but obsolete. No amount of Turnip whipping, Turnip huffing or good ol' Turniping coul stop progress. The churchs closed, and the religion became decadant.
The Tragic 90's
The ninety's saw the end of the Turnip, and the end of good music.
РЕПА В НОВОМ ТЫСЯЧЕЛЕТИИ!!
Panic not; Panic, and you will be Turnipped to death. The rekindling of The Turnip is at hand, and this is how to stop dribbling and embrace The Turnip:
- Dream of Turnips.
- Huff The Turnips
- Have sex with Turnips
- Thow Turnips at people until their heads go Kablooey!
- Pray for Turnips
- Pay for Turnips