Twilight (book)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Twilight (book).

“No, No, These books are good.”

~ Captain Denial on Twilight books.

“And so, after the aliens had abducted me, I noticed that all the color and sparkle had gone out of my outfit and been absorbed into my skin, and I had aged backwards 30 years.”

~ Elvis on becoming Edward Cullen

“Sparkles?! What the hell is this?”

~ Vampires on Sparkly Vampires
The book is all about apples, as the book cover clearly shows.

“This isn't fun anymore.”

~ Dracula on after reading the book

Twilight the "novel"[edit]

Twilight is a 434 page waste of ink and paper, bound in black, with a picture of an apple on the front (oooh, I wonder what that symbolises, you Mormon cultist). It makes excellent firewood, but be careful, accidental contact with the content of the book can result in contraction of the deadly Twilight Virus (see below).

Backstory[edit]

Stephenie Meyer was a sad, lonely, sexually frustrated Mormon cult-girl. Growing up she was obsessed with Necrophilia. So she wrote a book about a live girl, and a dead boy falling in love... and banging (live girl + dead boy = Necrophilia). She woke up in the middle of the night one night (after having a wet dream about a sparkling boy, eighteen years her junior, with whom she had hot sex), she suddenly realised what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to make lots of money, waste lots of trees, influence the youth of today, and, most importantly, spread Mormon propaganda to the unbelieving masses. She thought back to her wet dream, and, realising it would be the perfect way to make good her plan for world domination, instantly set about writing in down (making sure to use as many long and obscure words as possible, so that her prose would seem intellectual, astute and impertinent and waste as many trees as possible). Thus, Twilight was born.

Plot[edit]

Kristen Stewart just got PWNED by Miley Cyrus.

Twilight has no plot. It is merely a sequence of events that don't culminate in anything and then something else happens for no actual reason but merely because SM decided it should happen to make the book interesting.

The sequence of events goes like this:
There is a totally plain and ordinary girl named Stephenie Meyer *cough* I mean Mary Sue *cough* I mean Bella Swan. She moves to a miserable town named after a utensil to live with her dad, because of some incomprehensible reason, after all, she doesn't want to go, and no one is making her go, but she goes anyway. Wait, what? The only logical conclusion that can be drawn is that this chick is a retard.
There she goes to school and is instantly popular and loved, and all of the guys fall in love with her on sight. In one class she sits next to this TOTALLY HAWT GUY named Edward Cullen, who acts like a real dick to her (which causes her to be obsessed with him), and then he leaves for a week. But when he comes back he's really nice and stuff, and they get all smart together in class. Then, in the carpark, a van skids on black ice and comes STRAIGHT FOR BELLA!!!! *gasp*. Then follows some ridiculous, difficult to understand sentences and then suddenly Edward is in front of Bella pushing the van away with his bare hands *shock*! The guy in the van is bleeding from the head, but noobody cares about him, they only care about FRIGGIN' HAWT BELLA SWAN!
Then Bella goes to a larger town to go shopping and somehow nearly gets raped by some sandal wearing thugs. But then Edward turns up out of nowhere and saves her, and on the drive home he confesses to her that he's a VAMPIRE!!1 (like we didn't know that already, it says it on the back cover, morons).
Some other stuff happens, like Bella gets introduced to Edward's family, who are VEGETARIAN vampires, which means they ONLY EAT ANIMALS. That logic's a bit twisted, if you ask me. Also, being 'vegetarian somehow changes the color of their eyes, and they don't burn in the sun, they *sparkle*...pretty.
Then the vampires play some random baseball - clearly Meyer couldn't think up a decent equivalent of Quidditch so had to throw in some other retardation - but some other vampires show up and want to eat Bella, so everyone runs away. But the evil vamp manages to lure Bella away, because she's a complete retard. He tries to kill her, but Edward comes and saves the day... right after she gets bit by the evil vamp. After Edward saves her, she asks why he took so long to help her. He replies with "Because I took the Volvo".
Then they live happily ever after until the next book, which is equally as stupid as the first. They hump like gorillas. Or at least that's what Stephanie Meyers intended it to be. Clearly due to his pale and bony condition, Edward is a sufferer of the dreaded AIDS virus, giving it to Bella is simply another pathetic attempt at spreading propaganda in favor of illicit intercourse. And you thought we wouldn't know Meyers! Incidently, in Meyer's dreadful novel, young Bella Swan is described being in a relationship with Jacob Black.

The Twilight Virus[edit]

Twilight is the epidemic virus genetically engineered by the diabolical scientist known as Stephanie Meyer. When Stephanie was just a young girl, her older sister had asked her to wash her car for her. Stephanie felt cornered and manipulated by this devious request. Hatred filled her lungs with every breath she took for years to come. She wanted revenge. She had to create some thing that would instill a high influence on people in return. A very high influence at that, the infection caused TFG (Twilight Fan Girl) blood levels of .86. They were intoxicated by the plague that she developed in the walls of her own home.

Transmission[edit]

Virus2.JPG

The virus is more likely to infect girls, and the occasional, the odd Homosexual male. It can be implanted while even merely browsing over the novel. Mere gloves will not protect any one from the substance. The virus triggers your neurological cells to self produce its own form of the virus, as you scan across the pages with your eyes. The virus then hastily enters your leukocytes and erythrocytes to reproduce a mutated copy of the RNA. The virus has been known to kill anybody who isn't compattable for the virus.

Symptoms[edit]

The symptoms of the Heartococcus Twilitosis (AKA vampy sue syndrome) virus are similar to the less severe epidemic known as HIV. A very unique effect has been shown from this pandemic. A list of general symptoms may include: ((NOTE: Since these symptoms are entirely factual, and therefore may be difficult for some viewers to read, please feel free to add "in bed" to any and all items on the list.))

  • Ridiculously mourning over people that have never existed
  • Longing for a companion to sweet talk you into getting laid
  • Dying your hair black and shopping at Hot Topic
  • Self induced vomiting and manically yelling "Team Edward!"
  • Carpet burns on the patella's while using Twilight as your prayer booklet
  • Ditching your old boyfriend in hopes of a guy that is just like Edward
  • Performing the opposite of the catholic cross in hopes that Stephanie, the god of the new

world, will provide you with your own Edward.

  • Avoiding direct sunlight
  • Strange fascinations with blood. Most girls with the virus decide to drink their own period, thinking that it will make them more like Edward.
  • Yelling at people who hate Twilight.
  • Getting pissed at people who read Dracula.

Treatment[edit]

There is no known cure for Heartcoccus Twilitosis. However, experts have studied and concluded that symptoms can be alleviated. Possible methods of protecting replication of the virus include:

  • Igniting libraries
  • Consuming each page of the book in which Bella calls out for help (all)
  • Impaling your prayer book
  • Getting rid of/burning all Twilight books/posters/etc. and dancing around the fire.
  • Tearing out and igniting each page of the book in which Bella desires to have Edwards baby (all)
  • And confetti creation of the materialized virus itself.
  • Lighting the book on fire and then kicking it into a sewage pipe full of shit water
  • Throw holy water on the individual infected with the virus. Unless they are total fuckwits, they will immediately realise that they are in fact not vampires when it does not scorch their flesh. (Don't fret, if you intend on burning them, simply douse them in keroscene and set them alight.)

Virologists have been noting that while no given cure has been announced, a possible vaccination is in development and is proved effective in some cases. The suppository vaccination mass includes merely two known ingredients : Emo tears and The blood of Stephanie Meyer.

See Also[edit]


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